T  H  E

L   I   F   E

A  N  D



G E N T L E M A N.

Dixero si quid fortè jocosius, hoc mihi juris
Cum venia dabis

----- Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet
    theologum, aut mordacius quam deceat Chris-
    tianum ---- non Ego, sed Democritus dixit.----


V O L. VI.

L  O  N  D  O  N :
Printed for T. BECKET and P. A. DEHONT,
in the Strand.   MDCCLXII.


L I F E  and  O P I N I O N S


T R I S T R A M S H A N D Y, Gent.


C H A P. I.

---- WE'LL not stop two mo-
ments, my dear Sir, -- only,
as we have got thro' these five volumes,
(do, Sir, sit down upon a set ---- they
are better than nothing) let us just look
back upon the country we have pass'd
through. ------

  ---- What a wilderness has it been !
and what a mercy that we have not both
  VOL. VI.        B            of

[ 2 ]

of us been lost, or devoured by wild
beasts, in it.

  Did you think the world itself, Sir,
had contained such a number of Jack
Asses ? ---- How they view'd and re-
view'd us as we passed over the rivulet
at the bottom of that little valley ! ----
and when we climbed over that hill, and
were just getting out of sight -- good
God ! what a braying did they all set up
together !

  ---- Prithee, shepherd ! who keeps
all those Jack Asses ?  * * *

  ---- Heaven be their comforter ----
What ! are they never curried ? ---- Are
they never taken in in winter ? ---- Bray
bray -- bray. Bray on, -- the world is
deeply your debtor ; ---- louder still --

[ 3 ]

that's nothing ; -- in good sooth, you
are ill-used : ---- Was I a Jack Asse, I
solemnly declare, I would bray in
G-sol-re-ut from morning, even unto

C H A P. II.

WHEN my father had danced his
white bear backwards and forwards
through half a dozen pages, he closed
the book for good an' all, -- and in a
kind of triumph redelivered it into Trim's
hand, with a nod to lay it upon the 'scru-
toire where he found it. ---- Tristram
said he, shall be made to conjugate every
word in the dictionary, backwards and
forwards the same way ; ---- every word,
Yorick, by this means, you see, is con-
verted into a thesis or an hypothesis ; --
every thesis and hypothesis have an off-
             B 2              spring

[ 4 ]

spring of propositions ; -- and each pro-
position has its own consequences and
conclusions ; every one of which leads
the mind on again, into fresh tracks of
enquiries and doubtings. ---- The force
of this engine, added my father, is in-
credible, in opening a child's head. ----
'Tis enough, brother Shandy, cried my
uncle Toby, to burst it into a thousand
splinters. ----

  I presume, said Yorick, smiling, -- it
must be owing to this, ---- (for let logi-
cians say what they will, it is not to be
accounted for sufficiently from the bare
use of the ten predicaments) ---- That
the famous Vincent Quirino, amongst the
many other astonishing feats of his child-
hood, of which the Cardinal Bembo has
given the world so exact a story, -- should
be able to paste up in the publick schools
             5              at

[ 5 ]

at Rome, so early as in the eighth year of
his age, no less than four thousand, five
hundred, and sixty different theses, upon
the most abstruse points of the most ab-
struse theology ; -- and to defend and
maintain them in such sort, as to cramp
and dumbfound his opponents. ----
What is that, cried my father, to what
is told us of Alphonsus Tostatus, who,
almost in his nurse's arms, learned all
the sciences and liberal arts without be-
ing taught any one of them ? ---- What
shall we say of the great Piereskius ? --
That's the very man, cried my uncle
Toby, I once told you of, brother Shandy,
who walked a matter of five hundred
miles, reckoning from Paris to Schevling,
and from Schevling back again, merely
to see Stevinus's flying chariot. ---- He
was a very great man ! added my uncle
Toby ; (meaning Stevinus) -- He was so ;
             B 3              bro-

[ 6 ]

brother Toby, said my father, (meaning
Piereskius) ---- and had multiplied his
ideas so fast, and increased his know-
ledge to such a prodigious stock, that,
if we may give credit to an anecdote
concerning him, which we cannot with-
hold here, without shaking the authority
of all anecdotes whatever -- at seven years
of age, his father committed entirely to
his care the education of his younger bro-
ther, a boy of five years old, -- with the sole
management of all his concerns. -- Was the
father as wise as the son ? quoth my uncle
Toby : -- I should think not, said Yorick : --
But what are these, continued my father --
(breaking out in a kind of enthusiasm)
-- what are these, to those prodigies of
childhood in Grotius, Scioppius, Heinsius,
Politian, Pascal, Joseph Scaliger, Fer-
dinand de Cordouè
, and others -- some of
which left off their substantial forms at

[ 7 ]

nine years old, or sooner, and went on
reasoning without them ; -- others went
through their classics at seven ; -- wrote
tragedies at eight ; -- Ferdinand de Cor-
was so wise at nine, -- 'twas thought
the devil was in him ; ---- and at Venice
gave such proofs of his knowledge and
goodness, that the monks imagined he
was Antichrist, or nothing. ---- Others
were masters of fourteen languages at
ten, -- finished the course of their rheto-
ric, poetry, logic, and ethics at eleven,
-- put forth their commentaries upon
Servius and Martianus Capella at twelve,
-- and at thirteen received their degrees
in philosophy, laws and divinity : ----
But you forget the great Lipsius, quoth
Yorick, who composed a work * the day
  * Nons aurions quelque intérêt, says Baillet, de
montrer qu'il n'a rien de ridicule s'il étoit vérita-

             B 4              ble,

[ 8 ]

he was born ; ---- They should have
wiped it up, said my uncle Toby, and
said no more about it.


WHEN the cataplasm was ready, a
scruple of decorum had unseasona-
bly rose up in Susannah's conscience, about
holding the candle, whilst Slop tied it on ;
Slop had not treated Susannah's distem-
per with anodines, -- and so a quarrel
had ensued betwixt them.

ble, au moins dans le sens énigmatique que Nicius
a tâché de lui donner. Cet auteur dit
que pour comprendre comme Lipse, a pû com-
poser un ouvrage le premier jour de sa vie, il faut
s'imaginer, que ce premier jour n'est pas celui de
sa naissance charnelle, mais celui au quel il a com-
mencé d'user de la raison ; il veut que ç'ait été a
l'age de neuf ans ; et il nous veut persuader que ce
fut en cet âge, que Lipse fit un poème. ---- Le tour
est ingenieux, &c. &c.

                          ---- Oh !

[ 9 ]

  ---- Oh ! oh ! ---- said Slop, casting
a glance of undue freedom in Susannah's
face, as she declined the office ; ---- then,
I think I know you, madam ---- You
know me, Sir ! cried Susannah fastidi-
ously, and with a toss of her head, le-
velled evidently, not at his profession,
but at the doctor himself, ---- you know
me ! cried Susannah again. ---- Doctor
Slop clapped his finger and his thumb
instantly upon his nostrils ; ---- Susan-
's spleen was ready to burst at it ; ----
'Tis false, said Susannah. -- Come, come,
Mrs. Modesty, said Slop, not a little
elated with the success of his last thrust,
---- if you won't hold the candle, and
look -- you may hold it and shut your
eyes : -- That's one of your popish shifts,
cried Susannah : -- 'Tis better, said Slop,
with a nod, than no shift at all, young
                          woman ;

[ 10 ]

woman ; ---- I defy you, Sir, cried Su-
, pulling her shift sleeve below
her elbow.

  It was almost impossible for two per-
sons to assist each other in a surgical
case with a more splenetic cordiality.

  Slop snatched up the cataplasm, ----
Susannah snatched up the candle ; ----
a little this way, said Slop ; Susannah
looking one way, and rowing another,
instantly set fire to Slop's wig, which
being somewhat bushy and unctuous
withal, was burnt out before it was well
kindled. ---- You impudent whore !
cried Slop, -- (for what is passion, but a
wild beast) -- you impudent whore, cried
Slop, getting upright, with the cataplasm
in his hand ; ---- I never was the de-
struction of any body's nose, said Susan-
, -- which is more than you can say :
                          ---- Is

[ 11 ]

  ---- Is it ? cried Slop, throwing the ca-
taplasm in her face ; ---- Yes, it is, cried
Susannah, returning the compliment
with what was left in the pan. ----

C H A P. IV.

DOCTOR Slop and Susannah filed
cross-bills against each other in the
parlour ; which done, as the cataplasm
had failed, they retired into the kitchen
to prepare a fomentation for me ; -- and
whilst that was doing, my father deter-
mined the point as you will read.

C H A P. V.

YOU see 'tis high time, said my father,
addressing himself equally to my un-
cle Toby and Yorick, to take this young
creature out of these women's hands,
and put him into those of a private go-
vernor. Marcus Antoninus provided four-

[ 12 ]

teen governors all at once to superintend
his son Commodus's education, -- and in
six weeks he cashiered five of them ; --
I know very well, continued my father,
that Commodus's mother was in love with
a gladiator at the time of her concep-
tion, which accounts for a great many
of Commodus's cruelties when he became
emperor ; -- but still I am of opinion,
that those five whom Antoninus dismiss-
ed, did Commodus's temper in that short
time, more hurt than the other nine
were able to rectify all their lives long.

  Now as I consider the person who is
to be about my son, as the mirror in
which he is to view himself from morn-
ing to night, and by which he is to adjust
his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the
inmost sentiments of his heart ; -- I would
have one, Yorick, if possible, polished at

[ 13 ]

all points, fit for my child to look into.
---- This is very good sense, quoth my
uncle Toby to himself.

  ---- There is, continued my father,
a certain mien and motion of the body
and all its parts, both in acting and
speaking, which argues a man well
; and I am not at all surprized
that Gregory of Nazianzum, upon ob-
serving the hasty and untoward gestures
of Julian, should foretel he would one
day become an apostate ; ---- or that St.
Ambrose should turn his Amanuensis out
of doors, because of an indecent mo-
tion of his head, which went backwards
and forwards like a flail ; ---- or that
Democritus should conceive Protagoras
to be a scholar, from seeing him bind up
a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it,
the small twigs inwards. ---- There are a

[ 14 ]

thousand unnoticed openings, continued
my father, which let a penetrating eye
at once into a man's soul ; and I main-
tain it, added he, that a man of sense
does not lay down his hat in coming
into a room, -- or take it up in going out
of it, but something escapes, which dis-
covers him.

  It is for these reasons, continued my
father, that the governor I make choice
of shall neither * lisp, or squint, or wink,
or talk loud, or look fierce or foolish;
---- or bite his lips, or grind his teeth,
or speak through his nose, or pick it,
or blow it with his fingers. ----

  He shall neither walk fast, -- or slow,
or fold his arms, -- for that is laziness ; --
or hang them down, -- for that is folly ;

   * Vid. Pellegrina.
             6              or

[ 15 ]

or hide them in his pocket, for that is
nonsense. ----

  He shall neither strike, or pinch, or
tickle, -- or bite, or cut his nails, or
hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his
feet or fingers in company ; ---- nor (ac-
cording to Erasmus) shall he speak to
any one in making water, -- nor shall he
point to carrion or excrement. ---- Now
this is all nonsense again, quoth my
uncle Toby to himself. ----

  I will have him, continued my father,
cheerful, faceté, jovial ; at the same
time, prudent, attentive to business, vi-
gilant, acute, argute, inventive, quick
in resolving doubts and speculative ques-
tions ; ---- he shall be wise and judicious,
and learned : ---- And why not humble,
and moderate, and gentle tempered, and
                          good ?

[ 16 ]

good ? said Yorick : ---- And why not,
cried my uncle Toby, free, and generous,
and bountiful, and brave ? ---- He shall,
my dear Toby, replied my father, get-
ting up and shaking him by his hand. --
Then, brother Shandy, answered my un-
cle Toby, raising himself off the chair, and
laying down his pipe to take hold of my
father's other hand, -- I humbly beg I
may recommend poor Le Fever's son to
you ; ---- a tear of joy of the first water
sparkled in my uncle Toby's eye, -- and
another, the fellow to it, in the corpo-
ral's, as the proposition was made ; ----
you will see why when you read Le Fe-
's story : ---- fool that I was ! nor
can I recollect, (nor perhaps you) with-
out turning back to the place, what it
was that hindered me from letting the
corporal tell it in his own words ; -- but

[ 17 ]

the occasion is lost, -- I must tell it now
in my own.

C H A P. VI.

The Story of LE FEVER.

IT was some time in the summer of
that year in which Dendermond was
taken by the allies, -- which was about
seven years before my father came into
the country, -- and about as many, after
the time, that my uncle Toby and Trim
had privately decamped from my father's
house in town, in order to lay some of
the finest sieges to some of the finest
fortified cities in Europe ---- when my
uncle Toby was one evening getting his
supper, with Trim sitting behind him at
a small sideboard, -- I say, sitting -- for
  VOL. VI.        C            in

[ 18 ]

in consideration of the corporal's lame
knee (which sometimes gave him exqui-
site pain) -- when my uncle Toby dined or
supped alone, he would never suffer the
corporal to stand ; and the poor fellow's
veneration for his master was such, that,
with a proper artillery, my uncle Toby
could have taken Dendermond itself,
with less trouble than he was able to
gain this point over him ; for many a
time when my uncle Toby supposed the
corporal's leg was at rest, he would look
back, and detect him standing behind
him with the most dutiful respect : this
bred more little squabbles betwixt them,
than all other causes for five and twenty
years together -- But this is neither here
nor there -- why do I mention it ? ----
Ask my pen, -- it governs me, -- I govern
not it.

[ 19 ]

  He was one evening sitting thus at
his supper, when the landlord of a little
inn in the village came into the parlour
with an empty phial in his hand, to beg
a glass or two of sack ; 'Tis for a poor
gentleman, -- I think, of the army, said
the landlord, who has been taken ill at
my house four days ago, and has never
held up his head since, or had a desire
to taste any thing, till just now, that
he has a fancy for a glass of sack and a
thin toast, ---- I think, says he, taking
his hand from his forehead, it would
comfort me
. ------

  ---- If I could neither beg, borrow,
or buy such a thing, -- added the land-
lord, -- I would almost steal it for the
poor gentleman, he is so ill. ---- I hope
in God he will still mend, continued he,
-- we are all of us concerned for him.
             C 2              Thou