[ 120 ]

`` Thou whose power and goodness can
`` enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to
`` this infinite degree of excellence and
`` perfection, -- What have we MOON-
`` ITES done ?''


WITH two strokes, the one at
Hippocrates, the other at Lord
Verulam, did my father atchieve it.

  The stroke at the prince of physicians,
with which he began, was no more than
a short insult upon his sorrowful com-
plaint of the Ars longa, -- and Vita brevis.
---- Life short, cried my father, -- and
the art of healing tedious ! And who are
we to thank for both, the one and the
other, but the ignorance of quacks them-
selves, -- and the stage-loads of chymical
nostrums, and peripatetic lumber, with

[ 121 ]

which in all ages, they have first flatter'd
the world, and at last deceived it.

  ---- O my lord Verulam ! cried my
father, turning from Hippocrates, and
making his second stroke at him, as the
principal of nostrum-mongers, and the
fittest to be made an example of to the
rest, ---- What shall I say to thee, my
great lord Verulam ? What shall I say
to thy internal spirit, -- thy opium, -- thy
salt-petre, ---- thy greasy unctions, -- thy
daily purges, -- thy nightly glisters, and
succedaneums ?

  ---- My father was never at a loss
what to say to any man, upon any sub-
ject ; and had the least occasion for the
exordium of any man breathing : how
he dealt with his lordship's opinion, ----
you shall see ; ---- but when, -- I know
not : ---- we must first see what his lord-
ship's opinion was.
                          C H A P.

[ 122 ]


`` THE two great causes, which
`` conspire with each other to
`` shorten life, says lord Verulam, are
`` first ----

  `` The internal spirit, which like a gen-
`` tle flame, wastes the body down to death :
`` -- And secondly, the external air, that
`` parches the body up to ashes : -- which
`` two enemies attacking us on both sides
`` of our bodies together, at length de-
`` stroy our organs, and render them
`` unfit to carry on the functions of life.''

  This being the state of the case ; the
road to Longevity was plain ; nothing
more being required, says his lordship,

[ 123 ]

but to repair the waste committed by the
internal spirit, by making the substance
of it more thick and dense, by a regu-
lar course of opiates on one side, and by
refrigerating the heat of it on the other,
by three grains and a half of salt-petre
every morning before you got up. ----

  Still this frame of ours was left ex-
posed to the inimical assaults of the air
without ; -- but this was fenced off again
by a course of greasy unctions, which
so fully saturated the pores of the skin,
that no spicula could enter ; ---- nor
could any one get out. ---- This put a
stop to all perspiration, sensible and insen-
sible, which being the cause of so many
scurvy distempers -- a course of glisters
was requisite to carry off redundant hu-
mours, -- and render the system compleat.


[ 124 ]

  What my father had to say to my
lord of Verulam's opiates, his salt-petre,
and greasy uncrions and glisters, you
shall read, -- but not today -- or to mor-
row : time presses upon me, -- my reader
is impatient -- I must get forwards. ----
You shall read the chapter at your lei-
sure, (if you chuse it) as soon as ever
the Tristrapædia is published. ------

  Sufficeth it at present, to say, my fa-
ther levelled the hypothesis with the
ground, and in doing that, the learned
know, he built up and established his
own. ----

                          C H A P.

[ 125 ]


THE whole secret of health, said
my father, beginning the sentence
again, depending evidently upon the due
contention betwixt the radical heat and
radical moisture within us ; -- the least
imaginable skill had been sufficient to
have maintained it, had not the school-
men confounded the task, merely (as
Van Helmont, the famous chymist, has
proved) by all along mistaking the ra-
dical moisture for the tallow and fat of
animal bodies.

  Now the radical moisture is not the
tallow or fat of animals, but an oily and
balsamous substance ; for the fat and
tallow, as also the phlegm or watery

[ 126 ]

parts are cold ; whereas the oily and bal-
samous parts are of a lively heat and spi-
rit, which accounts for the observation
of Aristotle, `` Quod omne animal post
`` coitum est triste

  Now it is certain, that the radical heat
lives in the radical moisture, but whether
vice versâ, is a doubt : however, when
the one decays, the other decays also ;
and then is produced, either an unnatu-
ral heat, which causes an unnatural dry-
ness ---- or an unnatural moisture, which
causes dropsies. ---- So that if a child, as
he grows up, can but be taught to avoid
running into fire or water, as either of
'em threaten his destruction, ---- 'twill
be all that is needful to be done upon
that head. ----

                          C H A P.

[ 127 ]


THE description of the siege of Je-
itself, could not have engag-
ed the attention of my uncle Toby more
powerfully than the last chapter ; -- his
eyes were fixed upon my father, through-
out it ; -- he never mentioned radical heat
and radical moisture, but my uncle Toby
took his pipe out of his mouth, and
shook his head ; and as soon as the
chapter was finished, he beckoned to
the corporal to come close to his chair,
to ask him the following question,
-- aside. ---- * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * *.  It was at the
siege of Limerick, an' please your ho-
nour, replied the corporal, making a


[ 128 ]

  The poor fellow and I, quoth my un-
cle Toby, addressing himself to my fa-
ther, were scarce able to crawl out of our
tents, at the time the siege of Limerick
was raised, upon the very account you
mention. ---- Now what can have got
into that precious noddle of thine, my
dear brother Toby ? cried my father,
mentally. ---- By Heaven ! continued
he, communing still with himself, it
would puzzle an OEdipus to bring it in
point. ----

  I believe, an' please your honour,
quoth the corporal, that if it had not
been for the quantity of brandy we set
fire to every night, and the claret and
cinnamon with which I plyed your ho-
nour off; -- And the geneva, Trim, added
my uncle Toby, which did us more good
than all ---- I verily believe, continued

[ 129 ]

the corporal, we had both, an' please
your honour, left our lives in the trenches,
and been buried in them too. ---- The
noblest grave, corporal ! cried my uncle
Toby, his eyes sparkling as he spoke, that
a soldier could wish to lie down in. ----
But a pitiful death for him ! an' please
your honour, replied the corporal.

  All this was as much Arabick to my
father, as the rites of the Colchi and Tro-
had been before to my uncle Toby;
my father could not determine whether
he was to frown or smile. ----

  My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick,
resumed the case at Limerick, more in-
telligibly than he had begun it, -- and so
settled the point for my father at once.

  VOL. V.        K            C H A P.

[ 130 ]


IT was undoubtedly, said my uncle
Toby, a great happiness for myself
and the corporal, that we had all along
a burning fever, attended with a most
raging thirst, during the whole five and
twenty days the flux was upon us in the
camp ; otherwise what my brother calls
the radical moisture, must, as I con-
ceive it, inevitably have got the better.
---- My father drew in his lungs top-
full of air, and looking up, blew it
forth again, a s slowly as he possibly
could. ----

  ------ It was heaven's mercy to us,
continued my uncle Toby, which put it
into the corporal's head to maintain that

[ 131 ]

due contention betwixt the radical heat
and the radical moisture, by reinforce-
ing the fever, as he did all along, with
hot wine and spices ; whereby the cor-
poral kept up (as it were) a continual
firing, so that the radical heat stood its
ground from the beginning to the end,
and was a fair match for the moisture,
terrible as it was. ---- Upon my honour,
added my uncle Toby, you might have
heard the contention within our bodies,
brother Shandy, twenty toises. -- If there
was no firing, said Yorick.

  Well -- said my father, with a full as-
piration, and pausing a while after the
word ---- Was I a judge, and the laws
of the country which made me one
permitted it, I would condemn some of
the worst malefactors, provided they
             K 2              had

[ 132 ]

had had their clergy ----- ---- ----
---- Yorick foreseeing the sentence was
likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid
his hand upon my father's breast, and
begged he would respite it for a few
minutes, till he asked the corporal a
question. ---- Prithee, Trim, said Yorick,
without staying for my father's leave, --
tell us honestly -- what is thy opinion
concerning this self-same radical heat
and radical moisture ?

  With humble submission to his ho-
nour's better judgment, quoth the cor-
poral, making a bow to my uncle Toby
-- Speak thy opinion freely, corporal,
said my uncle Toby. -- The poor fellow
is my servant, -- not my slave, -- added
my uncle Toby, turning to my fa-
ther. ----

[ 133 ]

  The corporal put his hat under his
left arm, and with his stick hanging
upon the wrist of it, by a black thong
split into a tassel about the knot,
he marched up to the ground where he
had performed his catechism ; then
touching his under jaw with the thumb
and fingers of his right hand before he
opened his mouth, ---- he delivered his
notion thus.


JUST as the corporal was humming,
to begin -- in waddled Dr. Slop. --
'Tis not two-pence matter -- the corpo-
ral shall go on in the next chapter, let
who will come in. ----

  Well, my good doctor, cried my fa-
ther sportively, for the transitions of his
             K 3              passions

[ 134 ]

passions were unaccountably sudden, --
and what has this whelp of mine to say
to the matter ? ----

  Had my father been asking after the
amputation of the tail of a puppy-dog
-- he could not have done it in a more
careless air : the system which Dr. Slop
had laid down, to treat the accident by,
no way allowed of such a mode of en-
quiry. -- He sat down.

  Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a
manner which could not go unanswered,
-- in what condition is the boy ? -- 'Twill
end in a phimosis, replied Dr. Slop.

  I am no wiser than I was, quoth my
uncle Toby, -- returning his pipe into his
mouth. ---- Then let the corporal go on,

[ 135 ]

said my father, with his medical lecture.
-- The corporal made a bow to his old
friend, Dr. Slop, and then delivered his
opinion concerning radical heat and ra-
dical moisture, in the following words.

C H A P. XL.

THE city of Limerick, the siege of
which was begun under his maje-
sty king William himself, the year after I
went into the army -- lies, an' please
your honours, in the middle of a devilish
wet, swampy country. -- 'Tis quite sur-
rounded, said my uncle Toby, with the
Shannon, and is, by its situation, one of
the strongest fortified places in Ire-
. ----

             K 4              I think

[ 136 ]

  I think this is a new fashion, quoth
Dr. Slop, of beginning a medical lecture.
-- 'Tis all true, answered Trim. -- Then
I wish the faculty would follow the cut
of it, said Yorick. -- 'Tis all cut through,
an' please your reverence, said the cor-
poral, with drains and bogs ; and be-
sides, there was such a quantity of rain
fell during the siege, the whole country
was like a puddle, -- 'twas that, and
nothing else, which brought on the
flux, and which had like to have killed
both his honour and myself ; now there
was no such thing, after the first ten
days, continued the corporal, for a sol-
dier to lie dry in his tent, without cut-
ting a ditch round it, to draw off the
water ; -- nor was that enough, for those
who could afford it, as his honour
could, without setting fire every night

[ 137 ]

to a pewter dish full of brandy, which
took off the damp of the air, and made
the inside of the tent as warm as a
stove. ------

  And what conclusion dost thou draw,
Corporal Trim, cried my father, from
all these premises ?

  I infer, an' please your worship, re-
plied Trim, that the radical moisture is
nothing in the world but ditch-water --
and that the radical heat, of those who
can go to the expense of it, is burnt
brandy -- the radical heat and moisture
of a private man, an' please your ho-
nours, is nothing but ditch-water -- and
a dram of geneva ---- and give us but
enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco,
to give us spirits, and drive away the va-
             1              pours

[ 138 ]

pours -- we know not what it is to fear

  I am at a loss, Captain Shandy, quoth
Dr. Slop, to determine in which branch
of learning your servant shines most,
whether in physiology, or divinity. --
Slop had not forgot Trim's comment
upon the sermon. --

  It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick,
since the corporal was examined in the
latter, and pass'd muster with great
honour. ----

  The radical heat and moisture, quoth
Dr. Slop, turning to my father, you
must know, is the basis and foundation
of our being, -- as the root of a tree is
the source and principle of its vegeta-
                          tion. --

[ 139 ]

tion. -- It is inherent in the seeds of all
animals, and may be preserved sundry
ways, but principally in my opinion by
consubstantials, impriments, and occludents.
---- Now this poor fellow, continued
Dr. Slop, pointing to the corporal, has
had the misfortune to have heard some
superficial empiric discourse upon this
nice point. ---- That he has, -- said my
father. ---- Very likely, said my uncle.
-- I'm sure of it -- quoth Yorick. ----


DOCTOR Slop being called out to
look at a cataplasm he had order-
ed, it gave my father an opportunity of
going on with another chapter in the
Tristra-pædia. ---- Come ! chear up, my
                          lads ;