[ 100 ]

them) have been at bo-peep, -- or some-
thing has been wrong above, or below
with us.

  'Tis possible, answered Yorick. -- But
is the child, cried my uncle Toby, the
worse ? -- The Troglodytes say not, replied
my father. -- And your theologists, Yo-
, tell us -- Theologically ? said Yorick,
-- or speaking after the manner of * apo-
thecaries ? -- Ý statesmen ? -- or double dagger washer-
women ?

  ---- I'm not sure, replied my father,
-- but they tell us, brother Toby, he's
the better for it. ---- Provided, said Yo-
, you travel him into Egypt. ---- Of
that, answered my father, he will have

  * Khalepes nosou, kai dusiaton apallage, hen anthraka

  Ý Ta temnomena ton ethnon polugonotata, kai po-
luanthropotata einai.

  ++ Kathariotetos eineken.               BOCHART.

             1              the

[ 101 ]

the advantage, when he sees the Pyra-
. ----

  Now every word of this, quoth my
uncle Toby, is Arabick to me. ---- I wish,
said Yorick, 'twas so, to half the world.

  -- * ILUS, continued my father, cir-
cumcised his whole army one morning.
-- Not without a court martial ? cried
my uncle Toby. ---- Though the learned,
continued he, taking no notice of my
uncle Toby's remark, but turning to Yo-
, -- are greatly divided still who Ilus
was; -- some say Saturn; -- some the su-
preme Being ; -- others, no more than a
brigadier general under Pharaoh-neco.
---- Let him be who he will, said my
uncle Toby, I know not by what article
of war he could justify it.

  * `O Ilos, ta aidoia peritemnetai, tauto poiesai
kai tous ham' auto summakhous katanankasas.


             H 3              The

[ 102 ]

  The controvertists, answered my fa-
ther, assign two and twenty different rea-
sons for it : -- others indeed, who have
drawn their pens on the opposite side of
the question, have shewn the world the
futility of the greatest part of them. --
But then again, our best polemic di-
vines -- I wish there was not a polemic
divine, said Yorick, in the kingdom ; --
one ounce of practical divinity -- is worth
a painted ship load of all their reverences
have imported these fifty years. -- Pray,
Mr. Yorick, quoth my uncle Toby, -- do
tell me what a polemic divine is. ----
The best description, captain Shandy, I
have ever read, is a couple of 'em,
replied Yorick, in the account of the
battle fought single hands betwixt Gym-
and captain Tripet ; which I have
in my pocket. ---- I beg I may hear it,
quoth my uncle Toby earnestly. -- You
shall, said Yorick. -- And as the corporal
is waiting for me at the door, -- and I

[ 103 ]

know the description of a battle, will
do the poor fellow more good than his
supper, -- I beg, brother, you'll give him
leave to come in. -- With all my soul,
said my father. ---- Trim came in, erect
and happy as an emperour ; and having
shut the door, Yorick took a book from
his right-hand coat pocket, and read, or
pretended to read, as follows.


  ---- `` which words being heard by
`` all the soldiers which were there, di-
`` vers of them being inwardly terrified,
`` did shrink back and make room for
`` the assailant : all this did Gymnast very
`` well remark and consider ; and there-
`` fore, making as if he would have
`` alighted from off his horse, as he was
`` poising himself on the mounting side,
`` he most nimbly (with his short sword
`` by his thigh) shifting his feet in the
             H 4              `` stirrup

[ 104 ]

`` stirrup and performing the stirrup-lea-
`` ther feat, whereby, after the inclining
`` of his body downwards, he forthwith
`` launched himself aloft into the air, and
`` placed both his feet together upon the
`` saddle, standing upright, with his
`` back turned towards his horse's head,
`` -- Now (said he) my case goes forward.
`` Then suddenly in the same posture
`` wherein he was, he fetched a gambol
`` upon one foot, and turning to the left-
`` hand, failed not to carry his body per-
`` fectly round, just into his former po-
`` sition, without missing one jot. ----
`` Ha ! said Tripet, I will not do that
`` at this time, -- and not without cause.
`` Well, said Gymnast, I have failed, --
`` I will undo this leap ; then with a
`` marvellous strength and agility, turn-
`` ing towards the right-hand, he fetched
`` another frisking gambol as before ;
`` which done, he set his right-hand
`` thumb upon the bow of the saddle,
                          `` raised

[ 105 ]

`` raised himself up, and sprung into the
`` air, poising and upholding his whole
`` weight upon the muscle and nerve of
`` the said thumb, and so turned and
`` whirled himself about three times : at
`` the fourth, reversing his body and o-
`` verturning it upside-down, and fore-
`` side back, without touching any thing,
`` he brought himself betwixt the horse's
`` two ears, and then giving himself a
`` jerking swing, he seated himself upon
`` the crupper ---- ''

  (This can't be fighting, said my uncle
Toby. ---- The corporal shook his head
at it. ---- Have patience, said Yorick.)

  `` Then (Tripet) pass'd his right leg
`` over his saddle, and placed himself en
`` croup
. -- But, said he, 'twere better for
`` me to get into the saddle ; then put-
`` ting the thumbs of both hands upon
`` the crupper before him, and thereup-
                          `` on

[ 106 ]

`` on leaning himself, as upon the only
`` supporters of his body, he incontinent-
`` ly turned heels over head in the air,
`` and straight found himself betwixt the
`` bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat ;
`` then springing into the air with a sum-
`` merset, he turned him about like a
`` wind mill, and made above a hundred
`` frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas.'' --
Good God ! cried Trim, losing all pa-
tience, -- one home thrust of a bayonet
is worth it all. ---- I think so too, replied
Yorick. ----

  -- I am of a contrary opinion, quoth
my father.


  ---- No, -- I think I have advanced
nothing, replied my father, making
answer to a question which Yorick had
taken the liberty to put to him, -- I have

[ 107 ]

advanced nothing in the Tristrapædia,
but what is as clear as any one proposi-
tion in Euclid. -- Reach me, Trim, that
book from off the scrutoir : ---- it has
oft times been in my mind, continued my
father, to have read it over both to you,
Yorick, and to my brother Toby, and I
think it a little unfriendly in myself, in
not having done it long ago : ---- shall
we have a short chapter or two now, --
and a chapter or two hereafter, as occa-
sions serve ; and so on, till we get through
the whole ? My uncle Toby and Yorick
made the obeisance which was proper ;
and the corporal, though he was not in-
cluded in the compliment, laid his hand
upon his breast, and made his bow at
the same time. ---- The company smiled.
Trim, quoth my father, has paid the
full price for staying out the entertain-
. ---- He did not seem to relish the
play, replied Yorick. ---- 'Twas a Tom-
fool-battle, an' please your reverence, of
             3              captain

[ 108 ]

captain Tripet's and that other officer,
making so many summersets, as they ad-
vanced ; ---- the French come on caper-
ing now and then in that way, -- but not
quite so much.

  My uncle Toby never felt the consci-
ousness of his existence with more com-
placency than what the corporal's, and
his own reflections, made him do at that
moment ; ---- he lighted his pipe, ----
Yorick drew his chair closer to the table,
-- Trim snuff'd the candle, -- my father
stirred up the fire, -- took up the book, --
cough'd twice, and begun.


THE first thirty pages, said my
father, turning over the leaves, --
are a little dry ; and as they are not close-
ly connected with the subject, ---- for the
present we'll pass them by : 'tis a prefa-

[ 109 ]

tory introduction, continued my father,
or an introductory preface (for I am not
determined which name to give it) upon
political or civil government ; the foun-
dation of which being laid in the first
conjunction betwixt male and female,
for procreation of the species ---- I was
insensibly led into it. ---- 'Twas natural,
said Yorick.

  The original of society, continued my
father, I'm satisfied is, what Politian
tells us, i. e. merely conjugal ; and no-
thing more than the getting together of
one man and one woman; -- to which,
(according to Hesiod) the philosopher
adds a servant : ---- but supposing in the
first beginning there were no men servants
born ---- he lays the foundation of it,
in a man, -- a woman -- and a bull. ----
I believe 'tis an ox, quoth Yorick, quot-
ing the passage (oikon men protista, gunaika
te, boun t' arotera.
) ---- A bull must have

[ 110 ]

given more trouble than his head was
worth. ---- But there is a better reason
still, said my father, (dipping his pen
into his ink) for, the ox being the most
patient of animals, and the most useful
withal in tilling the ground for their
nourishment, -- was the properest instru-
ment, and emblem too, for the new-join-
ed couple, that the creation could have
associated with them. -- And there is a
stronger reason, added my uncle Toby,
than them all for the ox. -- My father had
not power to take his pen out of his ink-
horn, till he had heard my uncle Toby's
reason. -- For when the ground was til-
led, said my uncle Toby, and made worth
inclosing, then they began to secure it
by walls and ditches, which was the ori-
gin of fortification. ---- True, true ; dear
Toby, cried my father, striking out the
bull, and putting the ox in his place.

  My father gave Trim a nod, to snuff
the candle, and resumed his discourse.
                          ---- I

[ 111 ]

  ---- I enter upon this speculation, said
my father carelessly, and half shutting
the book, as he went on, -- merely to
shew the foundation of the natural rela-
tion between a father and his child; the
right and jurisdiction over whom he ac-
quires these several ways --

  1 st, by marriage.

  2d, by adoption.

  3d, by legitimation.

  And 4th, by procreation ; all which I
consider in their order.

  I lay a slight stress upon one of them ;
replied Yorick ---- the act, especially
where it ends there, in my opinion lays
as little obligation upon the child, as it
conveys power to the father. -- You are
wrong, -- said my father argutely, and
for this plain reason * * * * * * * *
                             * * *

[ 112 ]

*  *  * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * *. -- I own,
added my father, that the offspring, up-
on this account, is not so under the
power and jurisdiction of the mother. --
But the reason, replied Yorick, equally
holds good for her. ---- She is under au-
thority herself, said my father : -- and
besides, continued my father, nodding
his head and laying his finger upon the
side of his nose, as he assigned his rea-
son, -- she is not the principal agent, Yo-
rick. -- In what ? quoth my uncle Toby,
stopping his pipe. -- Though by all
means, added my father (not attending
to my uncle Toby) `` The son ought to pay
`` her respect
,'' as you may read, Yorick,
at large in the first book of the Institutes
of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the
tenth section. -- I can read it as well, re-
plied Yorick, in the Catechism.

                          C H A P.

[ 113 ]


TRIM can repeat every word of it by
heart, quoth my uncle Toby. -- Pugh !
said my father, not caring to be inter-
rupted with Trim's saying his Catechism.
He can upon my honour, replied my
uncle Toby. -- Ask him, Mr. Yorick, any
question you please. ----

  -- The fifth Commandment, Trim --
said Yorick, speaking mildly, and with a
gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen.
The corporal stood silent. -- You don't
ask him right, said my uncle Toby, rais-
ing his voice, and giving it rapidly like
the word of command ; ---- The fifth
---- ---- cried my uncle Toby. -- I must
begin with the first, an' please your ho-
nour, said the corporal. ----

  -- Yorick could not forbear smiling.
-- Your reverence does not consider, said
  VOL. V.        I            the

[ 114 ]

the corporal, shouldering his stick like
a musket, and marching into the mid-
dle of the room, to illustrate his position,
-- that 'tis exactly the same thing, as
doing one's exercise in the field. --

  `` Join your right hand to your fire-
,'' cried the corporal, giving the
word of command, and performing the
motion. --

  `` Poise your firelock,'' cried the cor-
poral, doing the duty still of both adjutant
and private man. --

  `` Rest your firelock;'' -- one motion,
an' please your reverence, you see leads
into another. -- If his honour will begin
but with the first --

  THE FIRST -- cried my uncle Toby, set-
ting his hand upon his side -- * * * *
* * *  * * * * * * * * * * * *.


[ 115 ]

  THE SECOND -- cried my uncle Toby,
waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would
have done his sword at the head of a re-
giment. -- The corporal went through his
manual with exactness ; and having ho-
noured his father and mother
, made a low
bow, and fell back to the side of the

  Every thing in this world, said my
father, is big with jest, -- and has wit in
it, and instruction too, -- if we can but
find it out.

  -- Here is the scaffold work of I NSTRUC-
, its true point of folly, without the
BUILDING behind it. --

  -- Here is the glass for pedagogues,
preceptors, tutors, governours, gerund-
grinders and bear-leaders to view them-
selves in, in their true dimensions. --

             I 2              Oh !

[ 116 ]

  Oh ! there is a husk and shell, Yorick,
which grows up with learning, which
their unskilfulness knows not how to fling
away !


  Yorick thought my father inspired. --
I will enter into obligations this moment,
said my father, to lay out all my aunt
Dinah's legacy, in charitable uses (of
which, by the bye, my father had no
high opinion) if the corporal has any
one determinate idea annexed to any one
word he has repeated. -- Prythee, Trim,
quoth my father, turning round to him,
-- What do'st thou mean, by `` honour-
`` ing thy father and mother ?

  Allowing them, an' please your ho-
nour, three halfpence a day out of my
pay, when they grew old. -- And didst
thou do that, Trim ? said Yorick. -- He
             3              did

[ 117 ]

did indeed, replied my uncle Toby. --
Then, Trim, said Yorick, springing out
of his chair, and taking the corporal by
the hand, thou art the best commenta-
tor upon that part of the Decalogue ; and
I honour thee more for it, corporal Trim,
than if thou hadst had a hand in the
Talmud itself.


O Blessed health ! cried my father,
making an exclamation, as he
turned over the leaves to the next chap-
ter, -- thou art above all gold and trea-
sure ; 'tis thou who enlargest the soul, --
and openest all its powers to receive in-
struction and to relish virtue. -- He that
has thee, has little more to wish for ; --
and he that is so wretched as to want
thee, -- wants every thing with thee.

  I have concentrated all that can be
said upon this important head, said my
             I 3              father,

[ 118 ]

father, into a very little room, therefore
we'll read the chapter quite thro'.

  My father read as follows.

  `` The whole secret of health depend-
`` ing upon the due contention for ma-
`` stery betwixt the radical heat and the
`` radical moisture'' -- You have proved
that matter of fact, I suppose, above,
said Yorick. Sufficiently, replied my

  In saying this, my father shut the
book, -- not as if he resolved to read no
more of it, for he kept his forefinger in
the chapter : ---- nor pettishly, -- for he
shut the book slowly ; his thumb resting,
when he had done it, upon the upper-
side of the cover, as his three fingers sup-
ported the lower-side of it, without the
least compressive violence. ----

             1              I

[ 119 ]

  I have demonstrated the truth of that
point, quoth my father, nodding to Yo-
, most sufficiently in the preceding

  Now could the man in the moon be
told, that a man in the earth had wrote a
chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That
the secret of all health depended upon
the due contention for mastery betwixt
the radical heat and the radical moisture, --
and that he had managed the point so
well, that there was not one single word
wet or dry upon radical heat or radical
moisture, throughout the whole chap-
ter, -- or a single syllable in it, pro or
con, directly or indirectly, upon the con-
tention betwixt these two powers in any
part of the animal oeconomy ----

  `` O thou eternal maker of all beings !''
-- he would cry, striking his breast with
his right hand, (in case he had one) --
             I 4              `` Thou