[ 80 ]

for a single time to **** *** ** ***
****** ?

  I was five years old. ---- Susannah did
not consider that nothing was well hung
in our family, ---- so slap came the sash
down like lightening upon us; -- Nothing
is left, -- cried Susannah, -- nothing is left
-- for me, but to run my country. ----

  My uncle Toby's house was a much
kinder sanctuary ; and so Susannah fled
to it.


WHEN Susannah told the corpo-
ral the misadventure of the sash,
with all the circumstances which attend-
ed the murder of me -- (as she called it)
-- the blood forsook his cheeks ; -- all ac-
cessaries in murder, being principals, --
Trim's conscience told him he was as
much to blame as Susannah, -- and if the

[ 81 ]

doctrine had been true, my uncle Toby
had as much of the blood-shed to an-
swer for to heaven, as either of 'em ; --
so that neither reason or instinct, separate
or together, could possibly have guided
Susannah's steps to so proper an asylum.
It is in vain to leave this to the Rea-
der's imagination : ---- to form any kind
of hypothesis that will render these pro-
positions feasible, he must cudgel his
brains sore, -- and to do it without, --
he must have such brains as no reader
ever had before him. ---- Why should I
put them either to tryal or to torture ?
'Tis my own affair : I'll explain it my-


'TIS a pity, Trim, said my uncle
Toby, resting with his hand up-
on the corporal's shoulder, as they both
stood surveying their works, -- that we
  VOL. V.        G            have

[ 82 ]

have not a couple of field pieces to mount
in the gorge of that new redoubt ; ----
'twould secure the lines all along there,
and make the attack on that side quite
complete : ---- get me a couple cast,

  Your honour shall have them, re-
plied Trim, before to-morrow morning.

  It was the joy of Trim's heart, -- nor
was his fertile head ever at a loss for ex-
pedients in doing it, to supply my uncle
Toby in his campaigns, with whatever his
fancy called for; had it been his last
crown, he would have sate down and
hammered it into a paderero to have pre-
vented a single wish in his Master. The
corporal had already, -- what with cut-
ting off the ends of my uncle Toby's
spouts -- hacking and chiseling up the
sides of his leaden gutters, -- melting
down his pewter shaving bason, -- and

[ 83 ]

going at last, like Lewis the fourteenth,
on to the top of the church, for spare
ends, &c. ---- he had that very cam-
paign brought no less than eight new
battering cannons, besides three demi-
culverins into the field ; my uncle Toby's
demand for two more pieces for the re-
doubt, had set the corporal at work
again ; and no better resource offering,
he had taken the two leaden weights from
the nursery window : and as the sash
pullies, when the lead was gone, were
of no kind of use, he had taken them
away also, to make a couple of wheels
for one of their carriages.

  He had dismantled every sash window
in my uncle Toby's house long before, in
the very same way, -- though mot always
in the same order ; for sometimes the
pulleys had been wanted, and not the
lead, -- so then he began with the pullies,
-- and the pullies being picked out, then
             G 2              the

[ 84 ]

the lead became useless, -- and so the lead
went to pot too.

  ---- A great MORAL might be picked
handsomly out of this, but I have not
time -- 'tis enough to say, wherever the
demolition began, 'twas equally fatal to
the sash window.

C H A P. XX.

THE corporal had not taken his
measures so badly in this stroke of
artilleryship, but that he might have
kept the matter entirely to himself, and
left Susannah to have sustained the whole
weight of the attack, as she could ; --
true courage is not content with coming
off so. ---- The corporal, whether as ge-
neral or comptroller of the train, -- 'twas
no matter, ---- had done that, without
which, as he imagined, the misfortune
could never have happened, -- at least in

[ 85 ]

Susannah's hands; ---- How would your
honours have behaved ? ---- He deter-
mined at once, not to take shelter be-
hind Susannah, -- but to give it; and with
this resolution upon his mind, he march-
ed upright into the parlour, to lay the
whole manoeuvre before my uncle Toby.

  My uncle Toby had just then been
giving Yorick an account of the Battle of
Steenkirk, and of the strange conduct of
count Solmes in ordering the foot to halt,
and the horse to march where it could
not act ; which was directly contrary to
the king's commands, and proved the
loss of the day.

  There are incidents in some families
so pat to the purpose of what is going to
follow, -- they are scarce exceeded by the
invention of a dramatic writer ; -- I mean
of ancient days. ------

             G 3              Trim,

[ 86 ]

  Trim, by the help of his forefinger,
laid flat upon the table, and the edge of
his hand striking a-cross it at right an-
gles, made a shift to tell his story so,
that priests and virgins might have li-
stened to it ; -- and the story being told,
-- the dialogue went on as follows.


  ---- I would be picquetted to death,
cried the corporal, as he concluded Su-
's story, before I would suffer the
woman to come to any harm, -- 'twas my
fault, an' please your honour, -- not hers.

  Corporal Trim, replied my uncle Toby,
putting on his hat which lay upon the
table, ---- if any thing can be said to be
a fault, when the service absolutely re-
quires it should be done, -- 'tis I certain-
ly who deserve the blame, ---- you
obeyed your orders.

[ 87 ]

  Had count Solmes, Trim, done the
same at the battle of Steenkirk, said Yo-
, drolling a little upon the corporal,
who had been run over by a dragoon in
the retreat, ---- he had saved thee ; ----
Saved ! cried Trim, interrupting Yorick,
and finishing the sentence for him after
his own fashion, ---- he had saved five
battalions, an' please your reverence,
every soul of them : ---- there was Cutts's
-- continued the corporal, clapping the
forefinger of his right hand upon the
thumb of his left, and counting round
his hand, ---- there was Cutts's, ---- Mac-
's, ---- Angus's, ---- Graham's, --- and
Leven's, all cut to pieces; ---- and so
had the English life-guards too, had it
not been for some regiments upon the
right, who marched up boldly to their
relief, and received the enemy's fire in
their faces, before any one of their own
platoons discharged a musket, ---- they'll
go to heaven for it, -- added Trim. --
             G 4              Trim

[ 88 ]

Trim is right, said my uncle Toby, nod-
ding to Yorick, ---- he's perfectly right.
What signified his marching the horse,
continued the corporal, where the ground
was so strait, and the French had such a
nation of hedges, and copses, and ditches,
and fell'd trees laid this way and that to
cover them; (as they always have.) ----
Count Solmes should have sent us, ----
we would have fired muzzle to muzzle
with them for their lives. ---- There was
nothing to be done for the horse : ---- he
had his foot shot off however for his
pains, continued the corporal, the very
next campaign at Landen. -- Poor Trim
got his wound there, quoth my uncle
Toby. ---- 'Twas owing, an' please your
honour, entirely to count Solmes, ----
had we drub'd them soundly at Steen-
, they would not have fought us at
Landen. ---- Possibly not, ---- Trim, said
my uncle Toby ; ---- though if they have
the advantage of a wood, or you give

[ 89 ]

them a moment's time to intrench them-
selves, they are a nation which will pop
and pop for ever at you. ---- There is
no way but to march cooly up to them,
---- receive their fire, and fall in upon
them, pell-mell ---- Ding dong, added
Trim. ---- Horse and foot, said my uncle
Toby. ---- Helter skelter, said Trim. ----
Right and left, cried my uncle Toby. ----
Blood an' ounds, shouted the corporal ;
---- the battle raged, ---- Yorick drew
his chair a little to one side for safety,
and after a moment's pause, my uncle
Toby sinking his voice a note, -- resum-
ed the discourse as follows.


KING William, said my uncle Toby,
addressing himself to Yorick, was
so terribly provoked at count Solmes for
disobeying his orders, that he would
not suffer him to come into his presence

[ 90 ]

for many months after. ---- I fear, an-
swered Yorick, the squire will be as
much provoked at the corporal, as the
King at the count, ---- But 'twould be
singularly hard in this case, continued
he, if corporal Trim, who has behaved
so diametrically opposite to count Solmes,
should have the fate to be rewarded with
the same disgrace ; ---- too oft in this
world, do things take that train. ----
I would spring a mine, cried my uncle
Toby, rising up, ---- and blow up my
fortifications, and my house with them,
and we would perish under their ruins,
ere I would stand by and see it. ----
Trim directed a slight, ---- but a grate-
ful bow towards his master, ---- and so
the chapter ends.

                          C H A P.

[ 91 ]


  ---- Then, Yorick, replied my uncle
Toby, you and I will lead the way abreast,
---- and do you, corporal, follow a few
paces behind us. ---- And Susannah, an'
please your honour, said Trim, shall be
put in the rear. ---- 'Twas an excellent
disposition, -- and in this order, without
either drums beating, or colours flying,
they marched slowly from my uncle Toby's
house to Shandy-hall.

  ---- I wish, said Trim, as they entered
the door, -- instead of the sash-weights,
I had cut off the church-spout, as I once
thought to have done. -- You have cut
off spouts enow, replied Yorick. ----


AS many pictures as have been given
of my father, how like him soever
in different airs and attitudes, -- not one,

[ 92 ]

or all of them, can ever help the reader
to any hind of preconception of how my
father would think, speak, or act, upon
any untried occasion or occurrence of life.
-- There was that infinitude of oddities
in him, and of chances along with it, by
which handle he would take a thing, -- it
baffled, Sir, all calculations. ---- The
truth was, his road lay so very far on
one side, from that wherein most men
travelled, -- that every object before him
presented a face and section of itself to
his eye, altogether different from the plan
and elevation of it seen by the rest of
mankind. -- In other words, 'twas a differ-
ent object, -- and in course was differ-
ently considered :

  This is the true reason, that my dear
Jenny and I, as well as all the world
besides us, have such eternal squabbles
about nothing. -- She looks at her out-
side, -- I, at her in -- . How is it possible
we should agree about her value ?
                          C H A P.

[ 93 ]


'TIS a point settled, -- and I mention
it for the comfort of * Confucius,
who is apt to get entangled in telling a
plain story -- that provided he keeps along
the line of his story, -- he may go back-
wards and forwards as he will, -- 'tis still
held to be no digression.

  This being premised, I take the bene-
fit of the act of going backwards myself.


FIFTY thousand pannier loads of
devils -- (not of the Archbishop of
Benevento's, -- I mean of Rabelais's de-
vils) with their tails chopped off by their
rumps, could not have made so diabo-

  * Mr. Shandy is supposed to mean ****** ***
***, Esq; member for ******, ---------- and not the
Chinese Legislator.


[ 94 ]

lical a scream of it, as I did -- when the
accident befell me : it summoned up my
mother instantly into the nursery, -- so
that Susannah had but just time to make
her escape down the back stairs, as my
mother came up the fore.

  Now, though I was old enough to
have told the story myself, -- and young
enough, I hope, to have done it without
malignity ; yet Susannah, in passing by
the kitchen, for fear of accidents, had
left it in short-hand with the cook --
the cook had told it with a commen-
tary to Jonathan, and Jonathan to Oba-
; so that by the time my father had
rung the bell half a dozen times, to
know what was the matter above, -- was
Obadiah enabled to give him a particular
account of it, just as it had happened. --
I thought as much, said my father, tuck-
ing up his night-gown ; -- and so walked
up stairs.

             3              One

[ 95 ]

  One would imagine from this ----
(though for my own part I somewhat
question it) -- that my father before that
time, had actually wrote that remark-
able chapter in the Tristrapædia, which
to me is the most original and entertain-
ing one in the whole book ; -- and that is
the chapter upon sash-windows, with a
bitter Philippick at the end of it, upon
the forgetfulness of chamber-maids. --
I have but two reasons for thinking

  First, Had the matter been taken into
consideration, before the event happened,
my father certainly would have nailed up
the sash-window for good an' all ; --
which, considering with what difficulty
he composed books, -- he might have
done with ten times less trouble, than he
could have wrote the chapter : this ar-
gument I foresee holds good against his
writing the chapter, even after the event;

[ 96 ]

but 'tis obviated under the second reason,
which I have the honour to offer to the
world in support of my opinion, that my
father did not write the chapter upon
sash-windows and chamber-pots, at the
time supposed, -- and it is this.

  ---- That, in order to render the Tris-
complete, -- I wrote the chap-
ter myself.


MY father put on his spectacles --
looked, -- took them off, -- put
them into the case -- all in less than a
statutable minute ; and without opening
his lips, turned about, and walked precipi-
tately down stairs : my mother imagined
he had stepped down for lint and basili-
con ; but seeing him return with a couple
of folios under his arm, and Obadiah fol-
lowing him with a large reading desk,

[ 97 ]

she took it for granted 'twas an herbal,
and so drew him a chair to the bed side,
that he might consult upon the case at
his ease.

  --- If it be but right done, -- said my
father, turning to the Section -- de sede vel
subjecto circumcisionis
, ---- for he had
brought up Spencer de Legibus Hebræo-
rum Ritualibus
-- and Maimonides, in or-
der to confront and examine us alto-
gether. --

  ---- If it be but right done, quoth he :
-- Only tell us, cried my mother, inter-
rupting him, what herbs. ---- For that,
repleid my father, you must send for
Dr. Slop.

  My mother went down, and my fa-
ther went on, reading the section as

  *  *  *  *  *  *  * * * * * * * *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *
  VOL. V.          H           * * *

[ 98 ]

*  *  * ---- Very well, -- said my father,
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  * * -- nay, if it has that convenience
---- and so without stopping a moment
to settle it first in his mind, whether the
Jews had it from the Egyptians, or the
Egyptians from the Jews, -- he rose up,
and rubbing his forehead two or three
times across with the palm of his hand,
in the manner we rub out the footsteps
of care, when evil has trod lighter upon
us than we foreboded, -- he shut the book,
and walked down stairs. -- Nay, said he,
mentioning the name of a different great
nation upon every step as he set his foot
upon it -- if the EGYPTIANS, -- the SY-
, -- the PHOENICIANS, -- the ARA-
, -- the CAPADOCIANS, ---- if the
COLCHI, and TROGLODYTES did it ----
if SOLON and PYTHAGORAS submitted,
-- what is TRISTRAM ? ---- who am I,
that I should fret or fume one moment
about the matter ?
                          C H A P.

[ 99 ]


DEAR Yorick, said my father smil-
ing, (for Yorick had broke his rank
with my uncle Toby in coming through
the narrow entry, and so had stept first
into the parlour), -- this Tristram of ours,
I find, comes very hardly by all his re-
ligious rites. -- Never was the son of Jew,
Christian, Turk, or Infidel initiated into
them in so oblique and slovenly a man-
ner. -- But he is no worse, I trust, said
Yorick. -- There has been certainly, con-
tinued my father, the duce and all to do
in some part or other of the ecliptic,
when this offspring of mine was formed.
-- That, you are a better judge of than
I, replied Yorick. -- Astrologers, quoth
my father, know better than us both : --
the trine and sextil aspects have jumped
awry, -- or the opposite of their ascen-
dents have not hit it, as they should, --
or the lords of the genitures (as they call
             H 2              them)