[ 100 ]

of the line of science too ; -- for consider,
it had one eighth part of his body to
bear up ; -- so that in this case the po-
sition of the leg is determined, -- because
the foot could be no further advanced,
or the knee more bent, than what would
allow him, mechanically, to receive an
eighth part of his whole weight under
it, -- and to carry it too.

   This I recommend to painters ; --
need I add, -- to orators ? -- I think not ;
for, unless they practise it, -- they must
fall upon their noses.

  So much for Corporal Trim's body and
legs. -- He held the sermon loosely, -- not
carelessly, in his left hand, raised some-
thing above his stomach, and detach'd a
little from his breast ; ---- his right arm
falling negligently by his side, as nature

[ 101 ]

and the laws of gravity order'd it, -- but
with the palm of it open and turned to-
wards his audience, ready to aid the sen-
timent, in case it stood in need.

  Corporal Trim's eyes and the muscles of
his face were in full harmony with the
other parts of him ; -- he look'd frank, --
unconstrained, -- something assured, ----
but not bordering upon assurance.

  Let not the critick ask how Corporal
Trim could come by all this ; I've told
him it shall be explained ; -- but so he
stood before my father, my uncle Toby,
and Dr. Slop, -- so swayed his body, so
contrasted his limbs, and with such an
oratorical sweep throughout the whole
figure, -- a statuary might have modell'd
from it ; ---- nay, I doubt whether the
oldest Fellow of a College, -- or the He-
             G 4              brew

[ 102 ]

brew Professor himself, could have much
mended it.

  Trim made a bow, and read as follows :

The S E R M O N.

HEBREWS xiii. 18.

   ------ For we trust we have a good
. ----

``TRust ! -- Trust we have a good
`` conscience !''

  [Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, in-
terrupting him, you give that sentence a
very improper accent ; for you curl up
your nose, man, and read it with such a
sheering tone, as if the Parson was going
to abuse the Apostle.

[ 103 ]

  He is, an' please your Honour, replied
Trim. Pugh ! said my father, smiling.

  Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Trim is certainly
in the right ; for the writer, (who I per-
ceive is a Protestant) by the snappish
manner in which he takes up the Apostle,
is certainly going to abuse him, -- if this
treatment of him has not done it already.
But from whence, replied my father,
have you concluded so soon Dr. Slop,
that the writer is of our Church ? -- for
aught I can see yet, -- he may be of any
Church : ---- Because, answered Dr. Slop,
if he was of ours, --- he durst no more
take such a licence, -- than a bear by his
beard : ---- If, in our communion, Sir,
a man was to insult an Apostle, ---- a
saint, ---- or even the paring of a saint's
nail, -- he would have his eyes scratched
out. ---- What, by the saint ? quoth my

[ 104 ]

uncle Toby. No ; replied Dr. Slop, -- he
would have an old house over his head.
Pray, is the Inquisition an antient build-
ing, answered my uncle Toby, or is it a
modern one ? -- I know nothing of archi-
tecture, replied Dr. Slop. -- An' please
your Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquisi-
tion is the vilest ---- Pri'thee spare thy
description, Trim, I hate the very name
of it, said my father. -- No matter for
that, answered Dr. Slop, -- it has its uses ;
for tho' I'm no great advocate for it, yet
in such a case as this, he would soon be
taught better manners ; and I can tell
him, if he went on at that rate, would
be flung into the Inquisition for his pains.
God help him then, quoth my uncle
Toby. Amen, added Trim ; for, heaven
above knows, I have a poor brother who
has been fourteen years a captive in it. --
I never heard one word of it before, said

[ 105 ]

my uncle Toby, hastily : -- How came he
there, Trim ? ---- O, Sir ! the story will
make your heart bleed, -- as it has made
mine a thousand times ; -- but it is too
long to be told now ; -- your Honour
shall hear it from first to last some day
when I am working besides you in our
fortifications ; ---- but the short of the
story is this : ---- That my brother Tom
went over a servant to Lisbon, -- and then
married a Jew's widow, who kept a small
shop, and sold sausages, which, some how
or other, was the cause of his being taken
in the middle of the night out of his
bed, where he was lying with his wife
and two small children, and carried di-
rectly to the Inquisition, where, God help
him, continued Trim, fetching a sigh from
the bottom of his heart, -- the poor ho-
nest lad lies confined at this hour ; --
he was as honest a soul, added Trim,

[ 106 ]

(pulling out his handkerchief) as ever
blood warm'd. ------

   ------ The tears trickled down Trim's
cheeks faster than he could well wipe
them away : -- A dead silence in the room
ensued for some minutes. -- Certain proof
of pity !

  Come, Trim, quoth my father, after
he saw the poor fellow's grief had got a
little vent, -- read on, -- and put this me-
lancholy story out of thy head : -- I grieve
that I interrupted thee ; -- but pri'thee be-
gin the sermon again ; -- for if the first
sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou
sayest, I have a great desire to know what
kind of provocation the Apostle has given.

  Corporal Trim wiped his face, and re-
turning his handkerchief into his pocket,
             3              and

[ 107 ]

and making a bow as he did it, -- he be-
gan again.]

The S E R M O N.

HEBREWS xiii. 18.

   ------ For we trust we have a good
. ------

``TRust! trust we have a good con-
`` science ! Surely if there is any
``thing in this life which a man may
``depend upon, and to the knowledge of
``which he is capable of arriving upon
``the most indisputable evidence, it must
``be this very thing, -- whether he has a
``good conscience or no.''

  [I am positive I am right, quoth Dr.
                          `` If

[ 108 ]

  ``If a man thinks at all, he cannot
``well be a stranger to the true state of
``this account ; -- he must be privy to
``his own thoughts and desires ; ---- he
``must remember his past pursuits, and
``know certainly the true springs and
``motives which, in general, have go-
``verned the actions of his life.''

  [I defy him, without an assistant,
quoth Dr. Slop.]

  ``In other matters we may be deceived
``by false appearances ; and, as the Wise
``Man complains, hardly do we guess
``aright at the things that are upon the
``earth, and with labour do we find the
``things that are before us
. But here the
``mind has all the evidence and facts
``within herself; -- is conscious of the web
``she has wove ; -- knows its texture and

[ 109 ]

``fineness, and the exact share which
``every passion has had in working upon
``the several designs which virtue or vice
``had plann'd before her.''

  [The language is good, and I declare
Trim reads very well, quoth my father.]

  ``Now, -- as conscience is nothing else
``but the knowledge which the mind has
``within herself of this ; and the judg-
``ment, either of approbation or censure,
``which it unavoidably makes upon the
``successive actions of our lives ; 'tis plain
``'you will say, from the very terms of
``the proposition, -- whenever this inward
``testimony goes against a man, and he
``stands self-accused, -- that he must ne-
``cessarily be a guilty man. -- And, on
``the contrary, when the report is fa-
``vourable on his side, and his heart con-
             2              ``demns

[ 110 ]

``demns him not ; -- that it is not a mat-
``ter of trust, as the Apostle intimates,
``-- but a matter of certainty and fact,
``that the conscience is good, and that
``the man must be good also.''

  [Then the Apostie is altogether in the
wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr. Slop, and
the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir,
have patience, replied my father, for I
think it will presently appear that St. Paul
and the Protestant divine are both of an
opinion. -- As nearly so, quoth Dr. Slop,
as East is to West ; -- but this, continued
he, lifting both hands, comes from the
liberty of the press.

  It is no more, at the worst, replied my
uncle Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit ;
for it does not appear that the sermon is
printed, or ever likely to be.

[ 111 ]

  Go on, Trim, quoth my father.]

  ``At first sight this may seem to be a
``true state of the case ; and I make no
``doubt but the knowledge of right and
``wrong is so truly impressed upon the
``mind of man, -- that did no such thing
``ever happen, as that the conscience of
``a man, by long habits of sin, might
``(as the scripture assures it may) insen-
``sibly become hard ; -- and, like some
``tender parts of his body, by much
``stress and continual hard usage, lose,
``by degrees, that nice sense and percep-
``tion with which God and nature en-
``dow'd it : -- Did this never happen ; --
``or was it certain that self-love could
``never hang the least bias upon the
``judgment ; -- or that the little interests
``below could rise up and perplex the
``faculties of our upper regions, and
   VOL. II        H            ``en-

[ 112 ]

``encompass them about with clouds and
``thick darkness : ------ Could no such
``thing as favour and affection enter this
``sacred COURT : -- Did WIT disdain to
``take a bribe in it ; -- or was asham'd to
``shew its face as an advocate for an un-
``warrantable enjoyment : -- Or, lastly,
``were we assured, that INTEREST stood
``always unconcern'd whilst the cause
``was hearing, -- and that PASSION never
``got into the judgment-seat, and pro-
``nounc'd sentence in the stead of reason,
``which is supposed always to preside
``and determine upon the case : ---- Was
``this truly so, as the objection must
``suppose ; -- no doubt then, the religious
``and moral state of a man would be
``exactly what he himself esteem'd it ; --
``and the guilt or innocence of every
``man's life could be known, in general,
``by no better measure, than the de-

[ 113 ]

``grees of his own approbation and cen-

  ``I own, in one case, whenever a man's
``conscience does accuse him, (as it sel-
``dom errs on that side) that he is guil-
``ty ; and, unless in melancholy and hy-
``pochondriack cases, we may safely pro-
``nounce upon it, that there is always
``sufficient grounds for the accusation.

  ``But the converse of the proposition
``will not hold true ; ---- namely, that
``whenever there is guilt the conscience
``must accuse ; and if it does not, that
``a man is therefore innocent. -- This is
``not fact : -- So that the common con-
``solation which some good christian or
``other, is hourly administering to him-
``self, -- that he thanks God his mind
``does not misgive him ; and that, con-
             H 2           ``sequently,

[ 114 ]

``sequently, he has a good conscience,
``because he has a quiet one, -- is falla-
``cious ; -- and as current as the inference
``is, and as infallible as the rule appears
``at first sight, yet, when you look nearer
``to it, and try the truth of this rule
``upon plain facts, -- you see it liable to
``so much error from a false application ;
``-- the principle upon which it goes so
``often perverted ; -- the whole force of
``it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast
``away, that it is painful to produce the
``common examples from human life
``which confirm the account.

  ``A man shall be vicious and utterly
``debauched in his principles ; -- excep-
``tionable in his conduct to the world ;
``shall live shameless, in the open com-
``mission of a sin which no reason or pre-
``tence can justify ; -- a sin, by which,

[ 115 ]

``contrary to all the workings of huma-
``nity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded
``partner of his guilt ; -- rob her of her
``bestdowry ; and not only cover her own
``head with dishonour, -- but involve a
``whole virtuous family in shame and
``sorrow for her sake. -- Surely, you will
``think conscience must lead such a man
``a troublesome life ; -- he can have no
``rest night or day from its reproaches.

  ``Alas ! CONSCIENCE had something
``else to do, all this time, than break in
``upon him ; as Elijah reproached the
``God Baal, ---- this domestick God was
``either talking, or pursuing, or was in a
``journey, or peradventure he slept and
``could not be awoke

  ``Perhaps HE was gone out in com-
``pany with HONOUR to fight a duel ; --
             H 3              ``to

[ 116 ]

``to pay off some debt at play ; ---- or
``dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust :
``Perhaps CONSCIENCE all this time was
``engaged at home, talking loud against
``petty larceny, and executing vengeance
``upon some such puny crimes as his
``fortune and rank in life secured him
``against all temptation of committing ;
``so that he lives as merrily,'' [if he was
of our church tho', quoth Dr. Slop, he
could not] -- ``sleeps as soundly in his
``bed ; -- and at last meets death as un-
``concernedly; -- perhaps much more so
``than a much better man.''

  [All this is impossible with us, quoth
Dr. Slop, turning to my father, -- the case
could not happen in our Church. ---- It
happens in ours, however, replied my fa-
ther, but too often. -- I own, quoth Dr.
Slop, (struck a little with my father's

[ 117 ]

frank acknowledgment) -- that a man in
the Romish Church may live as badly ; --
but then he cannot easily die so. -- 'Tis
little matter, replied my father, with an
air of indifference, -- how a rascal dies. --
I mean, answer'd Dr. Slop,he would be de-
nied the benefits of the last sacraments. --
Pray how many have you in all, said my
uncle Toby, -- for I always forget ? --
Seven, answered Dr. Slop. -- Humph ! --
said my uncle Toby ; -- tho' not accented as
a note of acquiescence, -- but as an inter-
jection of that particular species of sur-
prize, when a man, in looking into a
drawer, finds more of a thing than he ex-
pected. -- Humph ! replied my uncle Toby.
Dr. Slop, who had an ear, understood my
uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a
whole volume against the seven sacra-
ments. ------ Humph ! replied Dr. Slop,
(stating my uncle Toby's argument over
             H 3              again

[ 118 ]

again to him) ---- Why, Sir, are there
not seven cardinal virtues ? ---- Seven
mortal sins ? ---- Seven golden candle-
sticks ? ---- Seven heavens ? ------ 'Tis
more than I know, replied my uncle
Toby. ---- Are there not seven wonders
of the world ? --- Seven days of the crea-
tion ? -- Seven planets ? -- Seven plagues ?
-- That there are, quoth my father, with
a most affected gravity. But pri'thee,
continued he, go on with the rest of thy
characters, Trim.]

  ``Another is sordid, unmerciful, (here
``Trim waved his right hand) a strait-
``hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either
``of private friendship or publick spirit.
``Take notice how he passes by the wi-
``dow and orphan in their distress, and
``sees all the miseries incident to human
``life without a sigh or a prayer.'' [And

[ 119 ]

please your Honours, cried Trim, I think
this a viler man than the other.]

  ``Shall not conscience rise up and sting
``him on such occasions ? -- No ; thank
``God there is no occasion ; I pay every
``man his own ; -- I have no fornication to
``answer to my conscience ; -- no faithless
``vows or promises to make up ; -- I have
``debauched no man's wife or child ; thank
``God, I am not as other men, adulterers,
``unjust, or even as this libertine, who
``stands before me

  ``A third is crafty and designing in
``his nature. View his whole life ; -- 'tis
``nothing but a cunning contexture of
``dark arts and unequitable subterfuges,
``basely to defeat the true intent of all
``laws, -- plain dealing and the safe en-
``joyment of our several properties. ----