[ 80 ]

far the manner and expression of it might
go towards it ; -- or in what degree, or
by what secret magick, -- a tone of voice
and harmony of movement, attuned by
mercy, might find a passage to my heart,
I know not ; -- this I know, that the les-
son of universal good-will then taught and
imprinted by my uncle Toby, has never
since been worn out of my mind : And
tho' I would not depreciate what the study
of the Literæ humaniores, at the university,
have done for me in that respect, or dis-
credit the other helps of an expensive edu-
cation bestowed upon me, both at home
and abroad since ; -- yet I often think that
I owe one half of my philanthropy to
that one accidental impression.

   This is to serve for parents and go-
vernors instead of a whole volume upon
the subject.

[ 81 ]

  I could not give the reader this stroke
in my uncle Toby's picture, by the instru-
ment with which I drew the other parts
of it, ------ that taking in no more than
the mere HOBBY-HORSICAL likeness ;
---- this is a part of his moral character.
My father, in this patient endurance of
wrongs, which I mention, was very dif-
ferent, as the reader must long ago have
noted ; he had a much more acute and
quick sensibility of nature, attended with
a little soreness of temper ; tho' this
never transported him to any thing which
looked like malignancy ; ---- yet, in the
little rubs and vexations of life, 'twas
apt to shew itself in a drollish and witty
kind of peevishness : ---- He was, how-
ever, frank and generous in his nature,
---- at all times open to conviction ;
and in the little ebullitions of this sub-
acid humour towards others, but parti-
             F 2              cularly

[ 82 ]

cularly towards my uncle Toby, whom
he truly loved ; ---- he would feel more
pain, ten times told, (except in the af-
fair of my aunt Dinah, or where an hy-
pothesis was concerned) than what he
ever gave.

  The characters of the two brothers, in
this view of them, reflected light upon
each other, and appear'd with great ad-
vantage in this affair which arose about

   I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a
HOBBY-HORSE, -- that a man's HOBBY-
HORSE is as tender a part as he has
about him ; and that these unprovoked
strokes, at my uncle Toby's could not be
unfelt by him. -- No ; -- as I said above,
my uncle Toby did feel them, and very
sensibly too.

[ 83 ]

  Pray, Sir, what said he ? -- How did
he behave ? -- O, Sir ! -- it was great :
For as soon as my father had done in-
sulting his HOBBY-HORSE, -- he turned
his head, without the least emotion,
from Dr. Slop, to whom he was addres-
sing his discourse, and look'd up into my
father's face, with a countenance spread
over with so much good nature ; -- so
placid ; -- so fraternal ; -- so inexpressibly
tender towards him ; -- it penetrated my
father to his heart : He rose up hastily
from his chair, and seizing hold of both
my uncle Toby's hands as he spoke : --
Brother Toby, said he, -- I beg thy par-
don ; -- forgive, I pray thee, this rash
humour which my mother gave me. --
My dear, dear brother, answer'd my
uncle Toby, rising up by my father's help,
say no more about it ; -- you are heartly
welcome, had it been ten times as much,
             F 3              brother.

[ 84 ]

brother. But 'tis ungenerous, replied
my father, to hurt any man ; -- a brother
worse ; -- but to hurt a brother of such
gentle manners, -- so unprovoking, -- and
so unresenting ; -- 'tis base : -- By heaven,
'tis cowardly. ---- You are heartily wel-
come, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, --
had it been fifty times as much. ---- Be-
sides, what have I to do, my dear Toby,
cried my father, either with your amuse-
ments or your pleasures, unless it was in
my power (which it is not) to increase
their measure ?

  -- Brother Shandy, answer'd my uncle
Toby, looking wistfully in his face, -- you
are much mistaken in this point ; -- for
you do increase my pleasure very much,
in begetting children for the Shandy Fa-
mily at your time of life. ---- But, by
that, Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Mr. Shandy in-

[ 85 ]

creases his own. ------ Not a jot, quoth
my father.


MY brother does it, quoth my uncle
Toby, out of principle. -- In a fa-
mily-way, I suppose, quoth Dr. Slop. --
Pshaw ! -- said my father, -- 'tis not worth
talking of.


AT the end of the last chapter, my
father and my uncle Toby were
left both standing, like Brutus and Cassius
at the close of the scene making up their
             F 4              As

[ 86 ]

  As my father spoke the three last words,
-- he sat down ; -- my uncle Toby exactly
followed his example, only, that before
he took his chair, he rung the bell, to
order Corporal Trim, who was in waiting,
to step home for Stevinus ; -- my uncle
Toby's house being no further off than the
opposite side of the way.

  Some men would have dropp'd the
subject of Stevinus ; -- but my uncle Toby
had no resentment in his heart, and he
went on with the subject, to shew my
father that he had none.

  Your sudden appearance, Dr. Slop,
quoth my uncle, resuming the discourse,
instantly brought Stevinus into my head.
(My father, you may be sure, did not
offer to lay any more wagers upon Ste-
's head) ---- Because, continued my

[ 87 ]

uncle Toby, the celebrated sailing chariot,
which belonged to Prince Maurice, and
was of such wonderful contrivance and
velocity, as to carry half a dozen peo-
ple thirty German miles, in I don't know
how few minutes, ------ was invented by
Stevinus, that great mathematician and

  You might have spared your servant
the trouble, quoth Dr. Slop, (as the fellow
is lame) of going for Stevinus's account
of it, because, in my return from Leyden
thro' the Hague, I walked as far as Schev-
, which is two long miles, on purpose
to take a view of it.

   -- That's nothing, replied my uncle
Toby, to what the learned Peireskius did,
who walked a matter of five hundred
miles, reckoning from Paris to Schevling,

[ 88 ]

and from Schevling to Paris back again,
in order to see it, -- and nothing else.

  Some men cannot bear to be out-gone.

  The more fool Peireskius, replied Dr.
Slop. But mark, -- 'twas out of no con-
tempt of Peireskius at all ; ---- but that
Peireskius's indefatigable labour in trudg-
ing so far on foot out of love for the
sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr. Slop,
in that affair, to nothing ; -- the more fool
Peireskius, said he again : -- Why so ? --
replied my father, taking his brother's
part, not only to make reparation as fast
as he could for the insult he had given
him, which sat still upon my father's
mind ; -- but partly, that my father began
really to interest himself in the discourse ;
-- Why so ? -- said he. Why is Peireskius,
or any man else, to be abused for an ap-

[ 89 ]

petite for that, or any other morsel of
sound knowledge ? For, notwithstand-
ing I know nothing of the chariot in
question, continued he, the inventor of it
must have had a very mechanical head ;
and tho' I cannot guess upon what prin-
ciples of philosophy he has archiev'd
it ; ------ yet certainly his machine has
been constructed upon solid ones, be
they what they will, or it could not
have answer'd at the rate my brother

  It answered, replied my uncle Toby,
as well, if not better ; for, as Peireskius
elegantly expresses it, speaking of the
velocity of its motion, Tam citus erat,
quam erat ventus
; which, unless I have
forgot my Latin, is, that it was as swift
as the wind itself.

[ 90 ]

  But pray, Dr. Slop, quoth my father,
interrupting my uncle, (tho' not with-
out begging pardon for it, at the same
time), upon what principles was this self-
same chariot set a-going ? -- Upon very
pretty principles to be sure, replied Dr.
Slop ; ------ and I have often wondered,
continued he, evading the question, why
none of our Gentry, who live upon large
plains like this of ours, -- (especially they
whose wives are not past child-bearing)
attempt nothing of this kind ; for it
would not only be infinitely expeditious
upon sudden calls, to which the sex is
subject, -- if the wind only served, -- but
would be excellent good husbandry to
make use of the winds, which cost no-
thing, and which eat nothing, rather
than horses, which (the Devil take 'em)
both cost and eat a great deal.

[ 91 ]

  For that very reason, replied my fa-
ther, ``Because they cost nothing, and
because they eat nothing,'' -- the scheme
is bad ; -- it is the consumption of our
products, as well as the manufactures of
them, which gives bread to the hungry,
circulates trade, -- brings in money, and
supports the value of our lands ; -- and
tho', I own, if I was a Prince, I would
generously recompence the scientifick head
which brought forth such contrivances ;
-- yet I would as peremptorily suppress
the use of them.

  My father here had got into his ele-
ment, ---- and was going on as pro-
sperously with his dissertation upon trade,
as my uncle Toby had before, upon his
of fortification ; ------ but, to the loss
of much sound knowledge, the destinies
in the morning had decreed that no

[ 92 ]

dissertation of any kind should be spun
by my father that day ; ------ for as
he opened his mouth to begin the next

C H A P. XV.

  IN popp'd Corporal Trim with Stevi-
nus :
-- But 'twas too late, -- all the
discourse had been exhausted without him,
and was running into a new channel.

   -- You may take the book home again,
Trim, said my uncle Toby, nodding to

  But pri'thee, Corporal, quoth my fa-
ther, drolling, -- look first into it, and
see if thou can'st spy aught of a sailing
chariot in it.

[ 93 ]

  Corporal Trim, by being in the service,
had learned to obey, -- and not to re-
monstrate ; ---- so taking the book to a
side-table, and running over the leaves ;
an' please your Honour, said Trim, I can
see no such thing ; -- however, continued
the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn,
I'll make sure work of it, an' please your
Honour ; -- so taking hold of the two
covers of the book, one in each hand,
and letting the leaves fall down, as he
bent the covers back, he gave the book
a good sound shake.

  There is something fallen out, how-
ever, said Trim, an' please your Honour ;
but it is not a chariot, or any thing like
one : -- Pri'thee, Corporal, said my father,
smiling, what is it then ? -- I think, an-
swered Trim, stooping to take it up, --
'tis more like a sermon, -- for it begins,

[ 94 ]

with a text of scripture, and the chapter
and verse ; -- and then goes on, not as a
chariot, -- but like a sermon directly.

  The company smiled.

  I cannot conceive how it is possible,
quoth my uncle Toby, for such a thing as
a sermon to have got into my Stevinus.

  I think 'tis a sermon, replied Trim ; --
but if it please your Honours, as it is a
fair hand, I will read you a page ; -- for
Trim, you must know, loved to hear
himself read almost as well as talk.

  I have ever a strong propensity, said
my father, to look into things which
cross my way, by such strange fatalities
as these ; -- and as we have nothing bet-
ter to do, at least till Obadiah gets back,
             2              I

[ 95 ]

I should be obliged to you, brother, if
Dr. Slop has no objection to it, to order
the Corporal to give us a page or two of
it, -- if he is as able to do it, as he seems
willing. An' please your Honour, quoth
Trim, I officiated two whole campaigns
in Flanders as Clerk to the Chaplain of
the Regiment. -- He can read it, quoth
my uncle Toby, as well as I can. -- Trim,
I assure you, was the best scholar in my
company, and should have had the next
Halberd, but for the poor fellow's mis-
fortune. Corporal Trim laid his hand
upon his heart, and made an humble bow
to his Master ; -- then laying down his hat
upon the floor, and taking up the sermon
in his left hand, in order to have his
right at liberty, -- he advanced, nothing
doubting, into the middle of the room,
where he could best see, and be best seen
by, his audience.
   VOL. II        G            C H A P.

[ 96 ]


   ---- If you have any objection, -- said
my father, addressing himself to Dr. Slop :
Not in the least, replied Dr. Slop ; -- for
it does not appear on which side of the
question it is wrote ; ---- it may be a
composition of a divine of our church,
as well as yours, -- so that we run equal
risks. ---- 'Tis wrote upon neither side,
quoth Trim, for 'tis only upon Conscience,
an' please your Honours.

  Trim's reason put his audience into
good humour, -- all but Dr. Slop, who,
turning his head about towards Trim,
look'd a little angry.

  Begin, Trim, ---- and read distinctly,
quoth my father ; -- I will, an' please your

[ 97 ]

Honour, replied the Corporal, making a
bow, and bespeaking attention with a
slight movement of his right hand.


   ---- But before the Corporal begins,
I must first give you a description of his
attitude ; ---- otherwise he will naturally
stand represented, by your imagination,
in an uneasy posture, -- stiff, -- perpendi-
cular, -- dividing the weight of his body
equally upon both legs ; -- his eye fix'd,
as if on duty ; -- his look determined ; --
clinching the sermon in his left hand,
like his firelock : -- In a word, you would
be apt to paint Trim, as if he was stand-
ing in his platoon ready for action : --
His attitude was as unlike all this as you
can conceive.
             G 2              He

[ 98 ]

  He stood before them with his body
swayed, and bent forwards just so far, as
to make an angle of 85 degrees and a
half upon the plain of the horizon ; --
which sound orators, to whom I address
this, know very well, to be the true per-
suasive angle of incidence; -- in any other
angle you may talk and preach ; -- 'tis
certain, -- and it is done every day ; --
but with what effect, -- I leave the world
to judge !

  The necessity of this precise angle of
85 degrees and a half to a mathematical
exactness, -- does it not shew us, by the
way, -- how the arts and sciences mutual-
ly befriend each other ?

  How the duce Corporal Trim, who
knew not so much as an acute angle
from an obtuse one, came to hit it so ex-
                          actly ;

[ 99 ]

actly ; ---- or whether it was chance or
nature, or good sense or imitation, &c.
shall be commented upon in that part
of this cyclopædia of arts and sciences,
where the instrumental parts of the elo-
quence of the senate, the pulpit, the bar,
the coffee-house, the bed-chamber, and
fire-side, fall under consideration.

  He stood, ---- for I repeat it, to take
the picture of him in at one view, with
his body sway'd, and somewhat bent
forwards, --- his right leg firm under him,
sustaining seven-eighths of his whole
weight, -- the foot of his left leg, the de-
fect of which was no disadvantage to his
attitude, advanced a little, -- not lateral-
ly, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt
them ; -- his knee bent, but that not vio-
lently, -- but so as to fall within the li-
mits of the line of beauty ; -- and I add,
             G 3              of