[ 80 ]

epithet ---- Was he unfortunate then,
Trim? said my uncle Toby, pathetically
---- The corporal, wishing first the word
and all its synonyms at the devil, forth-
with began to run back in his mind the
principal events in the King of Bohemia's
story ; from everyone of which, it ap-
pearing that he was the most fortunate
man that ever existed in the world ----
it put the corporal to a stand : for not
caring to retract his epithet ---- and less,
to explain it ---- and least of all, to twist
his tale (like men of lore) to serve a sys-
tem ---- he looked up in my uncle
Toby's face for assistance ---- but seeing
it was the very thing, my uncle Toby
sat in expectation of himself ---- after a
hum and a haw, he went on ----

             3              The

[ 81 ]

  The King of Bohemia, an' please your
honour, replied the corporal, was unfor-
as thus ---- That taking great
pleasure and delight in navigation and all
sort of sea-affairs ---- and there happen-
throughout the whole kingdom of
Bohemia to be no sea-port town what-
ever ----

  How the duce should there -- Trim?
cried my uncle Toby ; for Bohemia be-
ing totally inland, it could have happen'd
no otherwise -- it might ; said Trim,
if it had pleased God ----

  My uncle Toby never spoke of the
being and natural attributes of God, but
with diffidence and hesitation ----

   VOL. VIII        G         ---- I

[ 82 ]

  ---- I believe not, replied my uncle
Toby, after some pause ---- for being
inland, as I said, and having Silesia and
Moravia to the east ; Lusatia and Upper
Saxony to the north ; Franconia to the
west ; and Bavaria to the south : Bohemia
could not have been propell'd to the sea,
without ceasing to be Bohemia ---- nor
could the sea, on the other hand, have
come up to Bohemia, without overflow-
ing a great part of Germany, and de-
stroying millions of unfortunate inhabi-
tants who could make no defence against
it ---- Scandalous! cried Trim -- Which
would bespeak, added my uncle Toby,
mildly, such a want of compassion in
him who is the father of it ---- that, I
think, Trim ---- the thing could have
happen'd no way.

[ 83 ]

  The corporal made the bow of un-
feigned conviction ; and went on.

  Now the King of Bohemia with his
queen and courtiers happening one fine
summer's evening to walk out ---- Aye!
there the word happening is right, Trim,
cried my uncle Toby ; for the King of
Bohemia and his queen might have walk'd
out, or let it alone ; ---- 'twas a matter of
contingency, which might happen, or
not, just as chance ordered it.

  King William was of an opinion, an'
please your honour, quoth Trim, that
every thing was predestined for us in this
world ; insomuch, that he would often
say to his soldiers, that ``every ball had
it's billet.'' He was a great man, said
my uncle Toby ---- And I believe, con-
             G 2              tinued

[ 84 ]

tinued Trim, to this day, that the shot
which disabled me at the battle of Lan-
den, was pointed at my knee for no
other purpose, but to take me out of
his service, and place me in your ho-
nour's, where I should be taken so much
better care of in my old age ---- It shall
never, Trim, be construed otherwise,
said my uncle Toby.

  The heart, both of the master and the
man, were alike subject to sudden over-
flowings ; ---- a short silence ensued.

  Besides, said the corporal, resuming the
discourse -- but in a gayer accent ---- if it
had not been for that single shot, I had
never, an' please your honour, been in
love ------

[ 85 ]

  So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said
my uncle Toby, smiling ----

  Souse! replied the corporal -- over head
and ears! an' please your honour. Pri-
thee when? where? -- and how came it to
pass? ---- I never heard one word of it
before, quoth my uncle Toby : ---- I
dare say, answered Trim, that every
drummer and serjeant's son in the regi-
ment knew of it ---- It's high time I
should ------ said my uncle Toby.

  Your honour remembers with concern,
said the corporal, the total rout and
confusion of our camp and army at the
affair of Landen ; every one was left to
shift for himself ; and if it had not been
for the regiments of Wyndham, Lum-
ley, and Galway, which covered the re-
             G3              treat

[ 86 ]

treat over the bridge of Neerspeeken,
the king himself could scarce have gain'd
it ---- he was press'd hard, as your ho-
nour knows, on every side of him ----

  Gallant mortal! cried my uncle Toby,
caught up with enthusiasm -- this moment,
now that all is lost, I see him galloping
across me, corporal, to the left, to bring
up the remains of the English horse
along with him to support the right, and
tear the laurel from Luxembourg's
brows, if yet 'tis possible ---- I see him
with the knot of his scarfe just shot off,
infusing fresh spirits into poor Galway's
regiment -- riding along the line -- then
wheeling about, and charging Conti at
the head of it ---- Brave! brave by hea-
ven! cried my uncle Toby -- he deserves

[ 87 ]

a crown ---- As richly, as a thief a halter ;
shouted Trim.

  My uncle Toby knew the corporal's
loyalty ; -- otherwise the comparison was
not at all to his mind ---- it did not al-
together strike the corporal's fancy when
he had made it ---- but it could not be
recall'd ---- so he had nothing to do, but

  As the number of wounded was pro-
digious, and no one had time to think of
any thing, but his own safety -- Though
Talmash, said my uncle Toby, brought
off the foot with great prudence ----
But I was left upon the field, said the
corporal. Thou wast so ; poor fellow!
replied my uncle Toby ---- So that it was
noon the next day, continued the cor-
             G 4              poral,

[ 88 ]

poral, before I was exchanged, and
put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen
more, in order to be convey'd to our

  There is no part of the body, an'
please your honour, where a wound oc-
casions more intolerable anguish than
upon the knee ----

  Except the groin ; said my uncle Toby.
An' please your honour, replied the cor-
poral, the knee, in my opinion, must
certainly be the most acute, there being
so many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems
all about it.

  It is for that reason, quoth my uncle
Toby, that the groin is infinitely more
sensible ---- there being not only as ma-

[ 89 ]

ny tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems (for
I know their names as little as thou
do'st) ---- about it ---- but moreover
* * * ----

  Mrs. Wadman, who had been all the
time in her arbour -- instantly stopp'd her
breath -- unpinn'd her mob at the chin,
and stood up upon one leg ----

  The dispute was maintained with ami-
cable and equal force betwixt my uncle
Toby and Trim for some time ; till
Trim at length recollecting that he had
often cried at his master's sufferings,
but never shed a tear at his own -- was
for giving up the point, which my uncle
Toby would not allow ---- 'Tis a proof
of nothing, Trim, said he, but the ge-
nerosity of thy temper ----

[ 90 ]

  So that whether the pain of a wound
in the groin (cæteris paribus) is great-
er than the pain of a wound in the
knee ---- or

  Whether the pain of a wound in the
knee is not greater than the pain of a
wound in the groin ---- are points which
to this day remain unsettled.

C H A P. XX.

THE anguish of my knee, con-
tinued the corporal, was excessive
in itself ; and the uneasiness of the cart,
with the roughness of the roads which
were terribly cut up -- making bad still
worse -- every step was death to me : so
that with the loss of blood, and the

[ 91 ]

want of care-taking of me, and a fever
I felt coming on besides ---- (Poor soul!
said my uncle Toby) all together, an' please
your honour, was more than I could

  I was telling my sufferings to a young
woman at a peasant's house, where our
cart, which was the last of the line, had
halted ; they had help'd me in, and the
young woman had taken a cordial out of
her pocket and dropp'd it upon some su-
gar, and seeing it had cheer'd me, she had
given it me a second and a third time ----
So I was telling her, an' please your ho-
nour, the anguish I was in, and was
saying it was so intolerable to me, that I
had much rather lie down upon the bed,
turning my face towards one which was
in the corner of the room -- and die,

[ 92 ]

than go on ---- when, upon her attempt-
ing to lead me to it, I fainted away in
her arms. She was a good soul! as your
honour, said the corporal, wiping his
eyes, will hear.

  I thought love had been a joyous thing,
quoth my uncleToby.

  'Tis the most serious thing, an' please
your honour (sometimes), that is in the

  By the persuasion of the young wo-
man, continued the corporal, the cart
with the wounded men set off without
me : she had assured them I should ex-
pire immediately if I was put into the
cart. So when I came to myself ---- I
found myself in a still quiet cottage, with

[ 93 ]

no one but the young woman, and the
peasant and his wife. I was laid across
the bed in the corner of the room, with
my wounded leg upon a chair, and the
young woman beside me, holding the
corner of her handkerchief dipp'd in vi-
negar to my nose with one hand, and rub-
bing my temples with the other.

  I took her at first for the daughter of
the peasant (for it was no inn) -- so had
offer'd her a little purse with eighteen
florins, which my poor brother Tom
(here Trim wip'd his eyes) had sent me
as a token, by a recruit, just before he set
out for Lisbon ----

  ---- I never told your honour that pi-
teous story yet ---- here Trim wiped his
eyes a third time.

[ 94 ]

  The young woman call'd the old man
and his wife into the room, to shew
them the money, in order to gain me
credit for a bed and what little ne-
cessaries I should want, till I should be
in a condition to be got to the hospital
---- Come then! said she, tying up the
little purse -- I'll be your banker -- but as
that office alone will not keep me em-
ploy'd, I'll be your nurse too.

  I thought by her manner of speaking
this, as well as by her dress, which I
then began to consider more attentively
-- that the young woman could not be the
daughter of the peasant.

  She was in black down to her toes,
with her hair conceal'd under a cambrick
border, laid close to her forehead : she
             4             was

[ 95 ]

was one of those kind of nuns, an' please
your honour, of which, your honour
knows, there are a good many in Flan-
ders which they let go loose ---- By thy
description, Trim, said my uncle Toby,
I dare say she was a young Beguine, of
which there are none to be found any
where but in the Spanish Netherlands --
except at Amsterdam ---- they differ
from nuns in this, that they can quit
their cloister if they choose to marry ;
they visit and take care of the sick by
profession ---- I had rather, for my own
part, they did it out of good-nature.

  ---- She often told me, quoth Trim,
she did it for the love of Christ -- I did
not like it. ---- I believe, Trim, we are
both wrong, said my uncle Toby -- we'll

[ 96 ]

ask Mr. Yorick about it to-night at
my brother Shandy's ---- so put me in
mind, added my uncle Toby.

  The young Beguine, continued the
corporal, had scarce given herself time
to tell me ``she would be my nurse,''
when she hastily turned about to begin
the office of one, and prepare something
for me ---- and in a short time -- though I
thought it a long one -- she came back
with flannels, &c. &c. and having fo-
mented my knee soundly for a couple of
hours, &c. and made me a thin basin of
gruel for my supper -- she wish'd me rest,
and promised to be with me early in the
morning. ---- She wish'd me, an' please
your honour, what was not to be had.

[ 97 ]

My fever ran very high that night --
her figure made sad disturbance within
me -- I was every moment cutting the
world in two -- to give her half of it --
and every moment was I crying, That
I had nothing but a knapsack and eight-
een florins to share with her ---- The
whole night long was the fair Beguine,
like an angel, close by my bedside, hold-
ing back my curtain and offering me
cordials -- and I was only awakened from
my dream by her coming there at the
hour promised, and giving them in re-
ality. In truth, she was scarce ever from
me, and so accustomed was I to receive
life from her hands, that my heart sick-
ened, and I lost colour when she left the
room : and yet, continued the corporal,
   VOL. VIII        H         (making

[ 98 ]

(making one of the strangest reflections
upon it in the world) ----

   ---- ``It was not love'' ---- for du-
ring the three weeks she was almost con-
stantly with me, fomenting my knee
with her hand, night and day -- I can
honestly say, an' please your honour --
that  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  * once.

  That was very odd, Trim, quoth my
uncle Toby ----

  I think so too -- said Mrs. Wadman.

  It never did, said the corporal.

                          C H A P.

[ 99 ]


  ---- But 'tis no marvel, continued
the corporal -- seeing my uncle Toby
musing upon it -- for Love, an' please
your honour, is exactly like war, in this ;
that a soldier, though he has escaped
three weeks compleat o'Saturday night,
-- may nevertheless be shot through his
heart on Sunday morning ---- It happen-
ed so here
, an' please your honour, with
this difference only -- that it was on Sun-
day in the afternoon, when I fell in love
all at once with a sisserara ---- it burst up-
on me, an' please your honour, like a
bomb ---- scarce giving me time to say,
``God bless me.''

             H 2            I thought,