[ 40 ]

rest, by the same analogy, is so much
of heaven.

  Now, I (being very thin) think dif-
ferently; and that so much of motion,
is so much of life, and so much of joy
---- and that to stand still, or get on but
slowly, is death and the devil ----

  Hollo! Ho! ---- the whole world's
asleep! ---- bring out the horses ----
grease the wheels ---- tie on the mail ----
and drive a nail into that moulding ----
I'll not lose a moment ----

  Now the wheel we are talking of, and
whereinto (but notwhereunto, for that
would make an Ixion's wheel of it) he
curseth his enemies, according to the

[ 41 ]

bishop's habit of body, should certainly
be a post-chaise wheel, whether they
were set up in Palestine at that time or
not ---- and my wheel, for the contrary
reasons, must as certainly be a cart-wheel
groaning round its revolution once in an
age ; and of which sort, were I to turn
commentator, I should make no scru-
ple to affirm, they had great store in that
hilly country.

  I love the Pythagoreans (much more
than ever I dare tell my dear Jenny) for
their ``Khorismon apo tou Somatos, eis to
Kalos Philosophein
'' ---- [their] ``getting
out of the body, in order to think
.'' No man thinks right whilst
he is in it ; blinded as he must be,
with his congenial humours, and drawn dif-

[ 42 ]

ferently aside, as the bishop and my-
self have been, with too lax or too
tense a fibre ---- REASON, is half of it,
SENSE ; and the measure of heaven itself
is but the measure of our present appe-
tites and concoctions ----

  ---- But which of the two, in the
present case, do you think to be mostly
in the wrong?

  You, certainly : quoth she, to dis-
turb a whole family so early.

                          C H A P.

[ 43 ]


  ---- But she did not know I was un-
der a vow not to shave my beard till I
got to Paris ; ---- yet I hate to make
mysteries of nothing ; ---- 'tis the cold
cautiousness of one of those little souls
from which Lessius (lib. 13. de moribus
divinis, cap.
24.) hath made his esti-
mate, wherein he setteth forth, That
one Dutch mile, cubically multiplied,
will allow room enough, and to spare,
for eight hundred thousand millions,
which he supposes to be as great a num-
ber of souls (counting from the fall of
Adam) as can possibly be damn'd to
the end of the world.


[ 44 ]

  From what he has made this second
estimate ---- unless from the parental
goodness of God -- I don't know ---- I
am much more at a loss what could be in
Franciscus Libbera's head, who pretends
that no less a space than one of two hun-
dred Italian miles multiplied into itself,
will be sufficient to hold the like num-
ber ---- he certainly must have gone up-
on some of the old Roman souls, of
which he had read, without reflecting
how much, by a gradual and most ta-
bid decline, in a course of eighteen
hundred years, they must unavoidably
have shrunk, so as to have come, when
he wrote, almost to nothing.


[ 45 ]

  In Lessius's time, who seems the
cooler man, they were as little as can be
imagined ----

  ---- We find them less now ----

  And next winter we shall find them
less again ; so that if we go on from
little to less, and from less to nothing, I
hesitate not one moment to affirm, that
in half a century, at this rate, we shall
have no souls at all ; which being the
period beyond which I doubt likewise
of the existence of the Chrlstian faith, 'twill
be one advantage that both of 'em will
be exactly worn out together ----

  Blessed Jupiter! and blessed every
other heathen god and goddess! for

[ 46 ]

now ye will all come into play again,
and with Priapus at your tails ----
what jovial times! ---- but where am
I? and into what a delicious riot of
things am I rushing? I ---- I who
must be cut short in the midst of
my days, and taste no more of 'em
than what I borrow from my imagi-
nation ---- peace to thee, generous fool!
and let me go on.

                          C H A P.

[ 47 ]

C H A P. XV.

  ------ ``So hating, I say, to make
mysteries of nothing'' ---- I intrusted it
with the post-boy, as soon as ever I got
off the stones ; he gave a crack with
his whip to balance the compliment ;
and with the thill-horse trotting, and
a sort of an up and a down of the other,
we danced it along to Ailly au clochers,
famed in days of yore for the finest
chimes in the world ; but we danced
through it without music ---- the chimes
being greatly out of order -- (as in truth
they were through all France).

  And so making all possible speed,

Ailly au clochers, I got to Hixcourt,

[ 48 ]

from Hixcourt, I got to Pequignay, and
from Pequignay, I got to AMIENS,
concerning which town I have nothing to
inform you, but what I have informed
you once before ---- and that was ---- that
Janatone went there to school.


IN the whole catalogue of those whiff-
ling vexations which come puffing
across a man's canvass, there is not one
of a more teasing and tormenting nature,
than this particular one which I am going
to describe ---- and for which, (unless
you travel with an avance-courier, which
numbers do in order to prevent it) ----
there is no help : and it is this.

  That be you in never so kindly a pro-
pensity to sleep ---- tho' you are passing

[ 49 ]

perhaps through the finest country --
upon the best roads, -- and in the easiest
carriage for doing it in the world ---- nay
was you sure you could sleep fifty miles
straight forwards, without once opening
your eyes ---- nay what is more, was you
as demonstratively satisfied as you can be
of any truth in Euclid, that you should
upon all accounts be full as well asleep
as awake ---- nay perhaps better ----
Yet the incessant returns of paying for
the horses at every stage, ---- with the
necessity thereupon of putting your hand
into your pocket, and counting out from
thence, three livres fifteen sous (sous by
sous) puts an end to so much of the pro-
ject, that you cannot execute above six
miles of it (or supposing it is a post and a
half, that is but nine) ---- were it to save
your soul from destruction.
  VOL. VII        E           -- I'll

[ 50 ]

  -- I'll be even with 'em, quoth I,
for I'll put the precise sum into a piece
of paper, and hold it ready in my hand
all the way : ``Now I shall have no-
``thing to do'' said I (composing my-
self to rest) ``but to drop this gently
``into the post-boy's hat, and not say
``a word.'' ---- Then there wants two
sous more to drink ---- or there is a
twelve-sous piece of Louis XIV. which
will not pass -- or a livre and some odd
liards to be brought over from the last
stage, which Monsieur had forgot ; which
altercations ( as a man cannot dispute very
well asleep) rouse him : still is sweet sleep
retrievable ; and still might the flesh
weigh down the spirit, and recover it-
self of these blows -- but then, by heaven!

[ 51 ]

you have paid but for a single post
-- whereas 'tis a post and a half ; and this
obliges you to pull out your book of
post-roads, the print of which is so very
small, it forces you to open your eyes,
whether you will or no : then Monsieur
le Curé offers you a pinch of snuff ----
or a poor soldier shews you his leg ----
or a shaveling his box ---- or the priest-
ess of the cistern will water your wheels
---- they do not want it ---- but she
swears by her priesthood (throwing it
back) that they do : ---- then you have
all these points to argue, or consider over
in your mind ; in doing of which, the
rational powers get so thoroughly awak-
ened ---- you may get 'em to sleep again
as you can.
             E 2              It

[ 52 ]

  It was entirely owing to one of these
misfortunes, or I had pass'd clean by the
stables of Chantilly ----

  ---- But the postillion first affirming,
and then persisting in it to my face, that
there was no mark upon the two sous
piece, I open'd my eyes to be convinced
-- and seeing the mark upon it, as plain
as my nose -- I leap'd out of the chaise in
a passion, and so saw every thing at
Chantilly in spite. -- I tried it but for three
posts and a half, but believe 'tis the
best principle in the world to travel
speedily upon ; for as few objects look
very inviting in that mood -- you have
little or nothing to stop you ; by which
means it was that I pass'd through St.

[ 53 ]

Dennis, without turning my head so
much as on side towards the Ab-
by ----

  ---- Richness of their treasury! stuff
and nonsense! -- bating their jewels,
which are all false, I would not give
three sous for any one thing in it, but
Judas's lantern ---- nor for that either,
only as it grows dark, it might be
of use.

             E 3              C H A P.

[ 54 ]


CRACH, crack ---- crack, crack
---- crack, crack ---- so this is
Paris! quoth I (continuing in the same
mood) ---- and this is Paris! ---- humph!
---- Paris! cried I, repeating the name
the third time ----

  The first, the finest, the most bril-
liant ----

-- The streets however are nasty ;

  But it looks, I suppose, better than
it smells ---- crack, crack ---- crack,
crack ---- What a fuss thou makest! --
as if it concern'd the good people to be
inform'd, That a man with pale face,

[ 55 ]

and clad in black, had the honour to be
driven into Paris at nine o'clock at night,
by a postillion in a tawny yellow jerkin
turned up with red calamanco ---- crack,
crack ---- crack, crack ---- crack, crack
---- I wish thy whip ----

  ---- But 'tis the spirit of thy nation ;
so crack -- crack on.

  Ha! ---- and no one gives the wall!
---- but in the SCHOOL of URBANITY
herself, if the walls are besh--t -- how can
you do otherwise?

  And prithee when do they light the
lamps? What? -- never in the summer
months! ---- Ho! 'tis the time of salads.
---- O rare! salad and soup -- soup and
salad -- salad and soup, encore ----
             E 4          ---- 'Tis

[ 56 ]

  ---- 'Tis too much for sinners.

  Now I cannot bear the barbarity of it ;
how can that unconscionable coachman
talk so much bawdy to that lean horse?
don't you see, friend, the streets are so
villainously narrow, that there is not
room in all Paris to turn a wheel-barrow?
In the grandest city of the whole world,
it would not have been amiss, if they had
been left a thought wider ; nay were it
only so much in every single street, as
that a man might know (was it only for
satisfaction) on which side of it he was

  One -- two -- three -- four -- five -- six --
seven -- eight -- nine -- ten. -- Ten cooks'
shops! and twice the number of barbers'!
and all within three minutes' driving!

[ 57 ]

one would think that all the cooks in the
world, on some great merry-meeting with
the barbers, by joint consent had said --
Come, let us all go live at Paris : the
French love good eating ---- they are all
gourmands ---- we shall rank high ; if
their god is their belly ---- their cooks
must be gentlemen : and forasmuch as
the periwig maketh the man, and the peri-
wig-maker maketh the periwig --- ergo,
would the barbers say, we shall rank
higher still -- we shall be above you all --
we shall be * Capitouls at least -- pardi!
we shall all wear swords ----

  -- And so, one would swear, (that is by
candle-light, -- but there is no depending
upon it) they continue to do, to this day.

  * Chief Magistrate in Toulouse, &c. &c. &c.
                          C H A P.

[ 58 ]


THE French are certainly misunder-
stood : ------ but whether the
fault is theirs, in not sufficiently explain-
ing themselves ; or speaking with that ex-
act limitation and precision which one
would expect on a point of such impor-
tance, and which moreover, is so likely
to be contested by us ---- or whether the
fault may not be altogether on our side,
in not understanding their language al-
ways so critically as to know ``what they
would be at'' ---- I shall not decide ; but
'tis evident to me, when they affirm,
``That they who have seen Paris, have seen
every thing,''
they must mean to speak of
those who have seen it by day-light.


[ 59 ]

  As for candle-light -- I give it up ----
I have said before, there was no depend-
ing upon it -- and I repeat it again ; but
not because the lights and shades are too
sharp -- or the tints confounded -- or that
there is neither beauty or keeping, &c.
. . . for that's not truth -- but it is an un-
certain light in this respect, That in all
the five hundred grand hôtels, which
they number up to you in Paris -- and the
five hundred good things, at a modest
computation (for 'tis only allowing one
good thing to a hôtel), which by candle-
light are best to be seen, felt, heard and
(which, by the bye is a quota-
tion from Lilly) ---- the devil a one of us
out of fifty, can get our heads fairly thrust
in amongst them.