[ 20 ]

also; being no less troublesome to the
English in those times, than Dunkirk
has been to us, in ours ; so that it was
deservedly looked upon as the key to
both kingdoms, which no doubt is the
reason that there have arisen so many
contentions who should keep it : of these,
the siege of Calais, or rather the block-
ade (for it was shut up both by land and
sea), was the most memorable, as it with-
stood the efforts of Edward the third
a whole year, and was not terminated
at last but by famine and extreme mi-
sery ; the gallantry of Eustace de St.
, who first offered himself a vic-
tim for his fellow citizens, has rank'd
his name with heroes. As it will not
take up above fifty pages, it would be
injustice to the reader, not to give him a
             5              minute

[ 21 ]

minute account of that romantic trans-
action, as well as of the siege itself, in
Rapin's own words :

C H A P. VI.

----BUT courage! gentle reader!
---- I scorn it ---- 'tis enough
to have thee in my power ---- but to
make use of the advantage which the for-
tune of the pen has now gained over
thee, would be too much ---- No ---- !
by that all powerful fire which warms
the visionary brain, and lights the spi-
rits through unworldly tracts! ere I
would force a helpless creature upon
this hard service, and make thee pay,
poor soul! for fifty pages which I
have no right to sell thee, -- naked as
             C 3              I am

[ 22 ]

I am, I would browse upon the
mountains, and smile that the north
wind brought me neither my tent or
my supper.

   -- So put on, my brave boy! and
make the best of thy way to Bou-

                          C H A P.

[ 23 ]


----BOULOGNE! ---- hah!
-- so we are all got together
---- debtors and sinners before heaven ;
a jolly set of us -- but I can't stay and
quaff it off with you -- I'm pursued my-
self like a hundred devils, and shall be
overtaken before I can well change
horses : ---- for heaven's sake, make
haste ---- 'Tis for high treason, quoth a
very little man, whispering as low as
he could to a very tall man that stood
next him ---- Or else for murder ; quoth
the tall man ---- Well thrown size-ace!
quoth I. No ; quoth a third, the gen-
tleman has been committing ---- ----.
             C 4

[ 24 ]

  Ah! ma chere fille! said I, as she
tripp'd by, from her matins -- you look
as rosy as the morning (for the sun was
rising, and it made the compliment the
more gracious) ---- No ; it can't be that,
quoth a fourth ---- (she made a curt'sy
to me -- I kiss'd my hand) 'tis debt ;
continued he : 'Tis certainly for debt ;
quoth a fifth ; I would not pay that
gentleman's debts, quoth Ace, for a
thousand pounds ; Nor would I, quoth
Size, for six times the sum -- Well thrown,
Size-Ace, again! quoth I ; -- but I have
no debt but the debt of NATURE, and I
want but patience of her, and I will
pay her every farthing I owe her ----
How can you beso hard-hearted, MA-
, to arrest a poor traveller going
along without molestation to any one,

[ 25 ]

upon his lawful occasions? do stop that
death-looking, long-striding scoundrel
of a scare-sinner, who is posting after
me ---- he never would have followed
me but for you ---- if it be but for a
stage, or two, just to give me start of
him, I beseechyou, madam ---- ----
do, dear lady ----.

  ----Now, in troth, 'tis a great pity,
quoth mine Irish host, that all this good
courtship should be lost ; for the young
gentlewoman has been after going out
of hearing of it all along ----.

   ---- Simpleton! quoth I.

   ---- So you have nothing else in Bou-
logne worth seeing?
                          -- By

[ 26 ]

   -- By Jasus! there is the finest

   -- There cannot be a finer ; quoth I.


WHEN the precipitancy of a
man's wishes hurries on his
ideas ninety times faster than the vehicle
he rides in -- woe be to truth! and woe
be to the vehicle and its tackling (let
'em be made of what stuff you will)
upon which he breathes forth the disap-
pointment of his soul!

  As I never give general characters either
of men or things in choler, ``the most
haste, the worst speed,''
was all the re-

[ 27 ]

flection I made upon the affair, the first
time it happen'd ; -- the second, third,
fourth, and fifth time, I confined it re-
spectively to those times, and accordingly
blamed only the second, third, fourth,
and fifth post-boy for it, without car-
rying my reflections further ; but the
event continuing to befall me from the
fifth, to the sixth, seventh, eighth,
ninth, and tenth time, and without one
exception, I then could not avoid making
a national reflection of it, which I do in
these words ;

  That something is always wrong in a
French post-chaise upon first setting out.

  Or the proposition may stand thus.

  A French postillion has always to alight

[ 28 ]

before he has got three hundred yards out
of town.

  What's wrong now? ---- Diable! ----
a rope's broke! ---- a knot has slipt!
---- a staple's drawn! ---- a bolt's to
whittle! ---- a tag, a rag, a jag, a
strap, a buckle, or a buckle's tongue,
want altering. ----

  Now true as all this is, I never think
myself impowered to excommunicate
thereupon either the post-chaise, or its
driver ---- nor do I take it into my head
to swear by the living G--, I would rather
go a foot ten thousand times ---- or
that I will be damn'd if ever I get into
another ---- but I take the matter coolly
before me, and consider, that some tag, or

[ 29 ]

rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, or buckle's
tongue, will ever be a wanting, or want
altering, travel where I will ---- so
I never chaff, but take the good
and the bad as they fall in my road,
and get on : ---- Do so, my lad! said
I ; he had lost five minutes already,
in alighting in order to get at a lunch-
eon of black bread which he had cramm'd
into the chaise-pocket, and was re-
mounted and going leisurely on, to
relish it the better ---- Get on, my lad,
said I, briskly -- but in the most persua-
sive tone imaginable, for I jingled a
four and twenty sous piece against the
glass, taking care to hold the flat side
towards him, as he looked back : the
dog grinn'd intelligence from his right
ear to his left, and behind his sooty

[ 30 ]

muzzle discover'd such a pearly row
of teeth, that Sovereignty would have
pawn'd her jewels for them. ----

Just heaven! { What masticators! ----
What bread! ----

and so, as he finish'd the last mouth-
ful of it, we enter'd the town of Mon-

                          C H A P.

[ 31 ]

C H A P. IX.

THERE is not a town in all France,
which in my opinion, looks better
in the map, than MONTREUIL ; ---- I
own, it does not look so well in the book
of post roads ; but when you come to
see it -- to be sure it looks most pitifully.

  There is one thing however in it at
present very handsome ; and that is the
inn-keeper's daughter : She has been
eighteen months at Amiens, and six at
Paris, in going through her classes ; so
knits, and sews, and dances, and does
the little coquetries very well. ----

  --A slut! in running them over with-
in these five minutes that I have stood
looking at her, she has let fall at least a

[ 32 ]

dozen loops in a white thread stocking
---- Yes, yes -- I see, you cunning gipsy!
-- 'tis long, and taper -- you need not pin
it to your knee -- and that 'tis your own --
and fits you exactly.----

  ---- That Nature should have told
this creature a word about a statue's

  -- But as this sample is worth all
their thumbs ---- besides I have her
thumbs and fingers in at the bargain if
they can be any guide to me, -- and as
Janatone withal (for that is her name)
stands so well for a drawing ---- may
I never draw more, or rather may I
draw like a draught-horse, by main
strength all the days of my life, -- if I do
not draw her in all her proportions, and

[ 33 ]

with as determin'd a pencil, as if I had
her in the wettest drapery.----

  -- But your worships choose rather that I
give you the length, breadth, and per-
pendicular height of the great parish
church, or a drawing of the fascade of
the abbey of St. Austreberte which has
been transported from Artois hither --
every thing is just I suppose as the ma-
sons and carpenters left them, -- and if the
belief in Christ continues so long, will be
so these fifty years to come -- so your
worships and reverences, may all measure
them at your leisures ---- but he who
measures thee, Janatone, must do it now
-- thou carriest the principles of change
within thy frame ; and considering the
chances of a transitory life, I would not
answer for thee a moment ; e'er
  VOL. VII.        D            twice

[ 34 ]

twice twelve months are pass'd and gone,
thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin,
and lose thy shapes ---- or, thou mayest
go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty
---- nay, thou mayest go off like a hussy
-- and lose thyself. ---- I would not answer
for my aunt Dinah, was she alive ----
'faith, scarce for her picture ---- were
it but painted by Reynolds --

  -- But if I go on with my drawing,
after naming that son of Apollo, I'll be
shot ------

  So you must e'en be content with the
original ; which if the evening is fine in
passing thro' Montreuil, you will see at
your chaise door, as you change horses :
but unless you have as bad a reason for
haste as I have -- you had better stop: --
                          -- She

[ 35 ]

-- She has a little of the devote : but
that, sir, is a terce to a nine in your
favour ----

  -- L-- help me! I could not count
a single point : so had been piqued, and
repiqued, and capotted to the devil.

C H A P. X.

ALL which being considered, and
that Death moreover might be
much nearer me than I imagined ----
I wish I was at Abbeville, quoth I, were
it only to see how they card and spin ----
so off we set.

*de Montreuil a Nampont - poste et demi
de Nampont
a Bernay - - - poste

   * Vid. Book of French post-roads, page 36.
edition of 1762.

             D 2              de

[ 36 ]

de Bernay a Nouvion - - - poste
de Nouvion a ABBEVILLE poste

---- but the carders and spinners were all
gone to bed.

C H A P. XI.

WHAT a vast advantage is travel-
ling! only it heats one ; but
there is a remedy for that, which you
may pick out of the next chapter.

                          C H A P.

[ 37 ]


WAS I in a condition to stipulate
with death, as I am this moment
with my apothecary, how and where I
will take his glister ---- I should certainly
declare against submitting to it before my
friends ; and therefore, I never seriously
think upon the mode and manner of this
great catastrophe, which generally takes
up and torments my thoughts as much
as the catastrophe itself, but I constantly
draw the curtain across it with this wish,
that the Disposer of all things may so
order it, that it happen not to me in my
own house ---- but rather in some decent
inn ---- at home, I know it, ---- the con
cern of my friends, and the last services
of wiping my brows and smoothing my
             D 3              pillow,

[ 38 ]

pillow, which the quivering hand of pale
affection shall pay me, will so crucify my
soul, that I shall die of a distemper which
my physician is not aware of : but in an
inn, the few cold offices I wanted, would
be purchased with a few guineas, and
paid me with an undisturbed, but punc-
tual attention ---- but mark. This
inn, should not be the inn at Abbeville
---- if there was not another inn in the
universe, I would strike that inn out of
the capitulation : so

  Let the horses be in the chaise exactly
by four in the morning ---- Yes, by four,
Sir, ---- or by Genevieve! I'll raise a
clatter in the house, shall wake the dead.

                          C H A P.

[ 39 ]


``MAKE them like unto a wheel,''
is a bitter sarcasm, as all the
learned know, against the grand tour,
and that restless spirit for making it,
which David prophetically foresaw would
haunt the children of men in the latter
days ; and therefore, as thinketh the
great bishop Hall, 'tis one of the se-
verest imprecations which David ever
utter'd against the enemies of the Lord --
and, as if he had said, ``I wish them no
``worse luck than always to be rolling
``about'' -- So much motion, continues
he, (for he was very corpulent) -- is so
much unquietness ; and so much of
             D 4              rest,