[ 120 ]

others speak by it, and equally make me
silent : nay my dog and my cat, though
I value them both ---- (and for my dog
he would speak if he could) -- yet some
how or other, they neither of them pos-
sess the talents for conversation ---- I can
make nothing of a discourse with them,
beyond the proposition, the reply, and re-
, which terminated my father's and
my mother's conversations, in his beds
of justice ---- and those utter'd -- there's
an end of the dialogue ----

  -- But with an ass, I can commune
for ever.

  Come Honesty! said I, -- seeing it was
impracticable to pass betwixt him and
the gate ---- art thou for coming in, or
going out?


[ 121 ]

  The ass twisted his head round to look
up the street ----

  Well -- replied I -- we'll wait a minute
for thy driver :

  ---- He turned his head thoughtful
about, and looked wistfully the opposite
way ----

  I understand thee perfectly ; answered I
---- if thou takest a wrong step in this
affair, he will cudgel thee to death ----
Well! a minute is but a minute, and if it
saves a fellow creature a drubbing, it
shall not be set down as ill-spent.

  He was eating the stem of an arti-
choke as this discourse went on, and in
the little peevish contentions of nature

[ 122 ]

betwixt hunger and unsavouriness, had
dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen
times, and pick'd it up again ---- God
help thee, Jack! said I, thou hast a bit-
ter breakfast on't -- and many a bitter
day's labour -- and many a bitter blow,
I fear, for its wages ---- 'tis all -- all bit-
terness to thee, whatever life is to others.
---- And now thy mouth, if one knew
the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say,
as soot -- (for he had cast aside the stem)
and thou has not a friend perhaps in all
this world, that will give thee a maca-
roon. ---- In saying this, I pull'd out a
paper of 'em, which I had just pur-
chased, and gave him one -- and at this
moment that I am telling it, my heart
smites me, that there was more of plea-
santry in the conceit, of seeing how an
ass would eat a macaroon ---- than of be-

[ 123 ]

nevolence in giving him one, which pre-
sided in the act.

  When the ass had eaten his macaroon,
I press'd him to come in ---- the poor
beast was heavy loaded ---- his legs seem'd
to tremble under him ---- he hung rather
backwards, and as I pull'd at his halter,
it broke short in my hand ---- he look'd
up pensive in my face ---- ``Don't thrash
``me with it -- but if you will, you may''
---- If I do, said I, I'll be d----d.

  The word was but one half of it
pronounced, like the abbess of Andoüil-
lets' -- (so there was no sin in it) -- when a
person coming in, let fall a thundering
bastinado upon the poor devil's crupper,
which put an end to the ceremony.

        Out upon it!

[ 124 ]

cried I ---- but the interjection was
equivocal ---- and, I think, wrong pla-
ced too -- for the end of an osier which
had started out from the contexture of the
ass's pannier, had caught hold of my
breeches pocket as he rushed by me, and
rent it in the most disastrous direction
you can imagine ---- so that the

  Out upon it! in my opinion, should
have come in here ---- but this I leave to
be settled by

which I have brought over along with
me for that purpose.

                          C H A P.

[ 125 ]


WHEN all was set to rights, I
came down stairs again into the
basse cour with my valet de place, in order
to sally out towards the tomb of the two
lovers, &c. -- and was a second time
stopp'd at the gate ---- not by the ass --
but by the person who struck him ; and
who, by that time, had taken possession
(as is not uncommon after a defeat) of the
very spot of ground where the ass stood.

  It was a commissary sent to me from
the post office, with a rescript in his hand
for the payment of some six livres odd

  Upon what account? said I. ---- 'Tis
upon the part of the king, replied the

[ 126 ]

commissary, heaving up both his shoul-
ders ----

  ---- My good friend, quoth I ---- as
sure as I am I -- and you are you ----

  ---- And who are you? said he. ----
---- Don't puzzle me ; said I.


  ---- But it is an indubitable verity,
continued I, addressing myself to the
commissary, changing only the form of
my asseveration ---- that I owe the king
of France nothing but my good will ;
for he is a very honest man, and I wish
him all health and pastime in the
world ----

  Pardonnez moi -- replied the commis-
sary, you are indebted to him six livres
             8              four

[ 127 ]

four sous, for the next post from hence
to St. Fons, in your rout to Avignon --
which being a post royal, you pay double
for the horses and postillion --- otherwise
'twould have amounted to no more than
three livres, two sous ----

  ---- But I don't go by land ; said I.

  ---- You may if you please ; replied
the commissary ----

  Your most obedient servant ---- said I,
making him a low bow ----

  The commissary, with all the sincerity
of grave good breeding -- made me one,
as low again. ---- I never was more dis-
concerted with a bow in my life.

  ---- The devil take the serious cha-
racter of these people! quoth I -- (aside)

[ 128 ]

they understand no more of IRONY than
this ----

  The comparison was standing close by
with his panniers -- but something seal'd
up my lips -- I could not pronounce the
name --

  Sir, said I, collecting myself -- it is not
my intention to take post ----

  -- But you may -- said he, persisting in
his first reply -- you may take post if you
chuse ----

  -- And I may take salt to my pickled
herring, said I, if I chuse ----

  -- But I do not choose --

  -- But you must pay for it, whether
you do or no ----

  Aye! for the salt ; said I (I know) ----
             3              And

[ 129 ]

  -- And for the post too ; added he.
Defend me ; cried I ----

  I travel by water -- I am going down
the Rhône this very afternoon -- my bag-
gage is in the boat -- and I have actually
paid nine livres for my passage ----

  C'est tout egal -- 'tis all one ; said he.

  Bon Dieu! what, pay for the way I
go! and for the way I do not go!

  ---- C'est tout egal ; replied the com-
missary ----

  ---- The devil it is! said I -- but I will
go to ten thousand Bastiles first ----

  O England! England! thou land of
liberty, and climate of good sense, thou
tenderest of mothers -- and gentlest of
nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee,
as I was beginning my apostrophè ----
   VOL. VII        K            When

[ 130 ]

  When the director of Madam Le
Blanc's conscience, coming in at that in-
stant, and seeing a person in black, with
a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions
-- looking still paler by the contrast and
distress of his drapery -- ask'd, if I stood
in want of the aids of the church ----

  I go by WATER -- said I -- and here's
another will be for making me pay for
going by OYL.


AS I perceived the commissary of the
post-office would have his six livres
four sous, I had nothing else for it, but
to say some smart thing upon the occasion,
worth the money :

  And so I set off thus ----

                          ---- And

[ 131 ]

  ---- And pray, Mr. commissary, by
what law of courtesy is a defenceless
stranger to be used just the reverse from
what you use a Frenchman in this matter?

   By no means ; said he.

  Excuse me ; said I -- for you have be-
gun, sir, with first tearing off my breeches
-- and now you want my pocket ----

  Whereas -- had you first taken my
pocket, as you do with your own people
-- and then left me bare a--'d after -- I
had been a beast to have complain'd ----

  As it is ----
---- 'Tis contrary to the law of nature.
---- 'Tis contrary to reason.
---- 'Tis contrary to the GOSPEL.

  But not to this ---- said he -- putting a
printed paper into my hand.
        PAR LE ROY
             K 2              ---- 'Tis

[ 132 ]

  ---- ---- 'Tis a pithy prolegomenon,
quoth I -- and so read on -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

  ---- By all which it appears, quoth I,
having read it over, a little too rapidly,
that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from
Paris -- he must go on travelling in one,
all the days of his life -- or pay for it. ----
Excuse me, said the commissary, the
spirit of the ordinance is this -- That if you
set out with an intention of running post
from Paris to Avignon, &c. you shall
not change that intention or mode of tra-
velling, without first satisfying the fer-
miers for two posts further than the place
you repent at -- and 'tis founded, conti-
nued he, upon this, that the REVENUES

[ 133 ]

are not to fall short through your fickle-

  ---- O by heavens! cried I -- if fickle-
ness is taxable in France -- we have no-
thing to do but to make the best peace
with you we can ----


  ----And if it is a bad one -- as Tris-
tram Shandy laid the corner stone of it --
nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be


THOUGH I was sensible I had
said as many clever things to the
commissary as came to six livres four sous,
yet I was determined to note down the
imposition amongst my remarks before I
             K 3              retir'd

[ 134 ]

retired from the place ; so putting my
hand into my coat pocket for my re-
marks -- (which by the bye, may be a
caution to travellers to take a little more
care of their remarks for the future) ``my
``remarks were stolen'' ---- Never did
sorry traveller make such a pother and
racket about his remarks as I did about
mine, upon the occasion.

  Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I,
calling in every thing to my aid but what
I should ---- My remarks are stolen! ----
what shall I do? -- Mr. Commissary!
pray did I drop any remarks as I stood
besides you? ----

  You dropped a good many very singu-
lar ones, replied he ---- Pugh! said I,
those were but a few, not worth above
six livres two sous -- but these are a large

[ 135 ]

parcel ---- He shook his head ---- Mon-
sieur Le Blanc! Madam Le Blanc!
did you see any papers of mine? -- you
maid of the house! run up stairs -- Fran-
çois! run up after her ----

  ---- I must have my remarks ---- they
were the best remarks, cried I, that ever
were made -- the wisest -- the wittiest ----
What shall I do? -- which way shall I
turn myself?

  Sancho Pança, when he lost his ass's
FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bit-


WHEN the first transport was
over, and the registers of the brain
were beginning to get a little out of the
confusion into which this jumble of cross
             K 4              accidents

[ 136 ]

accidents had cast them -- it then pre-
sently occurr'd to me, that I had left
my remarks in the pocket of the chaise
-- and that in selling my chaise, I had sold
my remarks along with it, to the chaise-
vamper.                   I leave this
void space that the reader may swear in-
to it, any oath that he is most accustomed
to ---- For my own part, if ever I swore
a whole oath into a vacancy in my life, I
think it was into that ---- * * *  * * * *
* *, said I -- and so my remarks through
France, which were as full of wit, as
an egg is full of meat, and as well
worth four hundred guineas, as the said
egg is worth a penny -- Have I been selling
here to a chaise-vamper -- for four Louis
d'Ors -- and giving him a post-chaise (by
heaven) worth six into the bargain ; had it
been to Dodsley, or Becket, or any cre-
             4              ditable

[ 137 ]

ditable bookseller, who was either leaving
off business, and wanted a post-chaise
-- or who was beginning it -- and wanted
my remarks, and two or three guineas
along with them -- I could have borne it
---- but to a chaise-vamper! -- shew me
to him this moment François, -- said I --
the vaiet de place put on his hat, and led
the way -- and I pull'd off mine, as I
pass'd the commissary, and followed

                          C H A P.

[ 138 ]


WHEN we arrived at the chaise-
vamper's house, both the house
and the shop were shut up ; it was the
eighth of September, the nativity of the
blessed Virgin Mary, mother of God --

  ---- Tantarra - ra - tan - tivi ---- the
whole world was going out a May-poling
-- frisking here -- capering there -- no
body cared a button for me or my re-
marks ; so I sat me down upon a bench
by the door, philosophating upon my
condition : by a better fate than usually
attends me, I had not waited half an hour,
when the mistress came in, to take the
papilliotes from off her hair, before she
went to the May-poles ----

  The French women, by the bye, love
May-poles, a la folie -- that is, as much as

[ 139 ]

their matins ---- give 'em but a May-
pole, whether in May, June, July, or
September -- they never count the times
---- down it goes ---- 'tis meat, drink,
washing, and lodging to 'em ---- and had
we but the policy, an' please your wor-
ships (as wood is a little scarce in
France) to send them but plenty of May-
poles ----

  The women would set them up ; and
when they had done, they would dance
round them (and the men for company)
till they were all blind.

  The wife of the chaise-vamper step'd
in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from
off her hair ---- the toilet stands still for
no man ---- so she jerk'd off her cap, to
begin with them as she open'd the door,
in doing which, one of them fell upon the