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others speak by it, and equally make me silent : nay my dog and my cat, though I value them both ---- (and for my dog he would speak if he could) -- yet some how or other, they neither of them pos- sess the talents for conversation ---- I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond the proposition, the reply, and re- joinder, which terminated my father's and my mother's conversations, in his beds of justice ---- and those utter'd -- there's an end of the dialogue ---- -- But with an ass, I can commune for ever. Come Honesty! said I, -- seeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt him and the gate ---- art thou for coming in, or going out? The |
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The ass twisted his head round to look up the street ---- Well -- replied I -- we'll wait a minute for thy driver : ---- He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked wistfully the opposite way ---- I understand thee perfectly ; answered I ---- if thou takest a wrong step in this affair, he will cudgel thee to death ---- Well! a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a fellow creature a drubbing, it shall not be set down as ill-spent. He was eating the stem of an arti- choke as this discourse went on, and in the little peevish contentions of nature betwixt |
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betwixt hunger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and pick'd it up again ---- God help thee, Jack! said I, thou hast a bit- ter breakfast on't -- and many a bitter day's labour -- and many a bitter blow, I fear, for its wages ---- 'tis all -- all bit- terness to thee, whatever life is to others. ---- And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot -- (for he had cast aside the stem) and thou has not a friend perhaps in all this world, that will give thee a maca- roon. ---- In saying this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em, which I had just pur- chased, and gave him one -- and at this moment that I am telling it, my heart smites me, that there was more of plea- santry in the conceit, of seeing how an ass would eat a macaroon ---- than of be- nevolence |
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nevolence in giving him one, which pre- sided in the act. When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I press'd him to come in ---- the poor beast was heavy loaded ---- his legs seem'd to tremble under him ---- he hung rather backwards, and as I pull'd at his halter, it broke short in my hand ---- he look'd up pensive in my face ---- ``Don't thrash ``me with it -- but if you will, you may'' ---- If I do, said I, I'll be d----d. The word was but one half of it pronounced, like the abbess of Andoüil- lets' -- (so there was no sin in it) -- when a person coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado upon the poor devil's crupper, which put an end to the ceremony. Out upon it! cried |
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cried I ---- but the interjection was equivocal ---- and, I think, wrong pla- ced too -- for the end of an osier which had started out from the contexture of the ass's pannier, had caught hold of my breeches pocket as he rushed by me, and rent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine ---- so that the Out upon it! in my opinion, should have come in here ---- but this I leave to be settled by REVIEWERS of MY BREECHES which I have brought over along with me for that purpose. C H A P. |
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WHEN all was set to rights, I came down stairs again into the basse cour with my valet de place, in order to sally out towards the tomb of the two lovers, &c. -- and was a second time stopp'd at the gate ---- not by the ass -- but by the person who struck him ; and who, by that time, had taken possession (as is not uncommon after a defeat) of the very spot of ground where the ass stood. It was a commissary sent to me from the post office, with a rescript in his hand for the payment of some six livres odd sous. Upon what account? said I. ---- 'Tis upon the part of the king, replied the commissary, |
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commissary, heaving up both his shoul- ders ---- ---- My good friend, quoth I ---- as sure as I am I -- and you are you ---- ---- And who are you? said he. ---- ---- Don't puzzle me ; said I. ---- But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration ---- that I owe the king of France nothing but my good will ; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world ---- Pardonnez moi -- replied the commis- sary, you are indebted to him six livres 8 four |
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four sous, for the next post from hence to St. Fons, in your rout to Avignon -- which being a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion --- otherwise 'twould have amounted to no more than three livres, two sous ---- ---- But I don't go by land ; said I. ---- You may if you please ; replied the commissary ---- Your most obedient servant ---- said I, making him a low bow ---- The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding -- made me one, as low again. ---- I never was more dis- concerted with a bow in my life. ---- The devil take the serious cha- racter of these people! quoth I -- (aside) they |
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they understand no more of IRONY than this ---- The comparison was standing close by with his panniers -- but something seal'd up my lips -- I could not pronounce the name -- Sir, said I, collecting myself -- it is not my intention to take post ---- -- But you may -- said he, persisting in his first reply -- you may take post if you chuse ---- -- And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse ---- -- But I do not choose -- -- But you must pay for it, whether you do or no ---- Aye! for the salt ; said I (I know) ---- 3 And |
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-- And for the post too ; added he. Defend me ; cried I ---- I travel by water -- I am going down the Rhône this very afternoon -- my bag- gage is in the boat -- and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage ---- C'est tout egal -- 'tis all one ; said he. Bon Dieu! what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go! ---- C'est tout egal ; replied the com- missary ---- ---- The devil it is! said I -- but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first ---- O England! England! thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers -- and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophè ---- VOL. VII K When |
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When the director of Madam Le Blanc's conscience, coming in at that in- stant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions -- looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery -- ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the church ---- I go by WATER -- said I -- and here's another will be for making me pay for going by OYL. AS I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the money : And so I set off thus ---- ---- And |
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---- And pray, Mr. commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a Frenchman in this matter? By no means ; said he. Excuse me ; said I -- for you have be- gun, sir, with first tearing off my breeches -- and now you want my pocket ---- Whereas -- had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people -- and then left me bare a--'d after -- I had been a beast to have complain'd ---- As it is ---- ---- 'Tis contrary to the law of nature. ---- 'Tis contrary to reason. ---- 'Tis contrary to the GOSPEL. But not to this ---- said he -- putting a printed paper into my hand. PAR LE ROY K 2 ---- 'Tis |
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---- ---- 'Tis a pithy prolegomenon, quoth I -- and so read on -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- ---- By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris -- he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life -- or pay for it. ---- Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is this -- That if you set out with an intention of running post from Paris to Avignon, &c. you shall not change that intention or mode of tra- velling, without first satisfying the fer- miers for two posts further than the place you repent at -- and 'tis founded, conti- nued he, upon this, that the REVENUES are |
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are not to fall short through your fickle- ness ---- ---- O by heavens! cried I -- if fickle- ness is taxable in France -- we have no- thing to do but to make the best peace with you we can ---- AND SO THE PEACE WAS MADE ; ----And if it is a bad one -- as Tris- tram Shandy laid the corner stone of it -- nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged. THOUGH I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I K 3 retir'd |
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retired from the place ; so putting my hand into my coat pocket for my re- marks -- (which by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of their remarks for the future) ``my ``remarks were stolen'' ---- Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion. Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in every thing to my aid but what I should ---- My remarks are stolen! ---- what shall I do? -- Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks as I stood besides you? ---- You dropped a good many very singu- lar ones, replied he ---- Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous -- but these are a large parcel |
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parcel ---- He shook his head ---- Mon- sieur Le Blanc! Madam Le Blanc! did you see any papers of mine? -- you maid of the house! run up stairs -- Fran- çois! run up after her ---- ---- I must have my remarks ---- they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made -- the wisest -- the wittiest ---- What shall I do? -- which way shall I turn myself? Sancho Pança, when he lost his ass's FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bit- terly. WHEN the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross K 4 accidents |
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accidents had cast them -- it then pre- sently occurr'd to me, that I had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise -- and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise- vamper. I leave this void space that the reader may swear in- to it, any oath that he is most accustomed to ---- For my own part, if ever I swore a whole oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that ---- * * * * * * * * *, said I -- and so my remarks through France, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny -- Have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper -- for four Louis d'Ors -- and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain ; had it been to Dodsley, or Becket, or any cre- 4 ditable |
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ditable bookseller, who was either leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise -- or who was beginning it -- and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them -- I could have borne it ---- but to a chaise-vamper! -- shew me to him this moment François, -- said I -- the vaiet de place put on his hat, and led the way -- and I pull'd off mine, as I pass'd the commissary, and followed him. C H A P. |
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WHEN we arrived at the chaise- vamper's house, both the house and the shop were shut up ; it was the eighth of September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary, mother of God -- ---- Tantarra - ra - tan - tivi ---- the whole world was going out a May-poling -- frisking here -- capering there -- no body cared a button for me or my re- marks ; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition : by a better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in, to take the papilliotes from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles ---- The French women, by the bye, love May-poles, a la folie -- that is, as much as their |
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their matins ---- give 'em but a May- pole, whether in May, June, July, or September -- they never count the times ---- down it goes ---- 'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to 'em ---- and had we but the policy, an' please your wor- ships (as wood is a little scarce in France) to send them but plenty of May- poles ---- The women would set them up ; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind. The wife of the chaise-vamper step'd in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair ---- the toilet stands still for no man ---- so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin with them as she open'd the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground |