[ 100 ]

planted three and three on each side of my
uncle Toby's sentry-box ; and in a short
time, these led the way for a train of some-
what larger, -- and so on -- (as must al-
ways be the case in hobby-horsical affairs)
from pieces of half-an-inch bore, till it
came at last to my father's jack boots.

  The next year, which was that in
which Lisle was besieged, and at the
close of which both Ghent and Bruges
fell into our hands, -- my uncle Toby was
sadly put to it for proper ammunition ;
---- I say proper ammunition ---- be-
cause his great artillery would not bear
powder ; and 'twas well for the Shandy
family they would not ---- For so full
were the papers, from the beginning to
the end of the siege, of the incessant
firings kept up by the besiegers, ---- and
so heated was my uncle Toby's imagina-
             4              tion

[ 101 ]

tion with the accounts of them, that he
had infallibly shot away all his estate.

  SOMETHING therefore was wanting,
as a succedaneum, especially in one or
two of the more violent paroxysms of
the siege, to keep up something like a
continual firing in the imagination, ----
and this something, the corporal, whose
principal strength lay in invention, sup-
plied by an entire new system of batter-
ing of his own, -- without which, this
had been objected to by military critics,
to the end of the world, as one of the
great desiderata of my uncle Toby's ap-

  This will not be explained the worse,
for setting off, as I generally do, at a
little distance from the subject.
             H 3              C H A P.

[ 102 ]


WITH two or three other trinkets,
small in themselves, but of great
regard, which poor Tom, the corporal's
unfortunate brother, had sent him over,
with the account of his marriage with
the Jew's widow ---- there was

  A Montero-cap and two Turkish tobacco

  The Montero-cap I shall describe by
and bye. ---- The Turkish tobacco pipes
had nothing particular in them, they
were fitted up and ornamented as usual,
with flexible tubes of Morocco leather
and gold wire, and mounted at their
ends, the one of them with ivory, -- the
other with black ebony, tipp'd with

[ 103 ]

  My father, who saw all things in
lights different from the rest of the
world, would say to the corporal, that
he ought to look upon these two presents
more as tokens of his brother's nicety,
than his affection. ---- Tom did not care,
Trim, he would say, to put on the cap, or
to smoak in the tobacco-pipe of a Jew.
---- God bless your honour, the corpo-
ral would say, (giving a strong reason
to the contrary) -- how can that be. ----

  The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a
superfine Spanish cloth, died in grain,
and mounted all round with furr, except
about four inches in the front, which
was faced with a light blue, slightly em-
broidered, -- and seemed to have been
the property of a Portuguese quarter-
             H 4              master,

[ 104 ]

master, not of foot, but of horse, as
the word denotes.

  The corporal was not a little proud
of it, as well for its own sake, as the
sake of the giver, so seldom or never
put it on but upon GALA-days ; and
yet never was a Montero-cap put to so
many uses ; for in all controverted points,
whether military or culinary, provided
the corporal was sure he was in the right,
-- it was either his oath, -- his wager, --
or his gift.

  ---- 'Twas his gift in the present case.

  I'll be bound, said the corporal, speak-
ing to himself, to give away my Montero-
cap to the first beggar who comes to the
door, if I do not manage this matter to
his honour's satisfaction.

[ 105 ]

  The completion was no further off,
than the very next morning ; which was
that of the storm of the counterscarp be-
twixt the Lower Deule, to the right, and
the gate St. Andrew, -- on the left,
between St. Magdalen's and the river.

  As this was the most memorable at-
tack in the whole war, -- the most gallant
and obstinate on both sides, -- and I must
add the most bloody too, for it cost the
allies themselves that morning above
eleven hundred men, -- my uncle Toby
prepared himself for it with a more than
ordinary solemnity.

  The eve which preceded, as my un-
cle Toby went to bed, he ordered his
ramallie wig, which had laid inside out
for many years in the corner of an old
campaigning trunk, which stood by his

[ 106 ]

bedside, to be taken out and laid upon
the lid of it, ready for the morning ; --
and the very first thing he did in his
shirt, when he had stepped out of bed,
my uncle Toby, after he had turned the
rough side outwards, -- put it on : ----
This done, he proceeded next to his
breeches, and having buttoned the waist-
band, he forthwith buckled on his sword
belt, and had got his sword half way in,
-- when he considered he should want
shaving, and that it would be very in-
convenient doing it with his sword on, --
so took it off : ---- In assaying to put on
his regimental coat and waistcoat, my
uncle Toby found the same objection in
his wig, -- so that went off too : -- So that
what with one thing, and what with
another, as always falls out when a man
is in the most haste, -- 'twas ten o'clock,
which was half an hour later than his

[ 107 ]

usual time, before my uncle Toby sallied


MY uncle Toby had scarce turned
the corner of his yew hedge,
which separated his kitchen garden from
his bowling green, when he perceived
the corporal had began the attack with-
out him. ----

  Let me stop and give you a picture of
the corporal's apparatus ; and of the
corporal himself in the height of this at-
tack just as it struck my uncle Toby, as
he turned towards the sentry box, where
the corporal was at work, ---- for in
nature there is not such another, ----
nor can any combination of all that is
grotesque and whimsical in her works
produce its equal.

  The corporal ------
                          ---- Tread

[ 108 ]

  ---- Tread lightly on his ashes, ye
men of genius, ---- for he was your
kinsman :

  Weed his grave clean, ye men of
goodness, -- for he was your brother. --
Oh corporal! had I thee, but now, --
now, that I am able to give thee a din-
ner and protection, -- how would I che-
rish thee ! thou should'st wear thy Mon-
tero-cap every hour of the day, and
every day of the week, -- and when it
was worn out, I would purchase thee a
couple like it : ---- But alas ! alas ! alas !
now that I can do this, in spight of their
reverences -- the occasion is lost -- for
thou art gone ; -- thy genius fled up to
the stars from whence it came ; -- and
that warm heart of thine, with all its
generous and open vessels, compressed
into a clod of the valley !

                          ---- But

[ 109 ]

  ---- But what ---- what is this, to that
future and dreaded page, where I look
towards the velvet pall, decorated with
the military ensigns of thy master -- the
first -- the foremost of created beings ;
---- where, I shall see thee, faithful ser-
vant ! laying his sword and scabbard with
a trembling hand across his coffin, and
then returning pale as ashes to the door,
to take his mourning horse by the bridle,
to follow his hearse, as he directed thee ;
---- where -- all my father's systems shall
be baffled by his sorrows ; and, in spight
of his philosophy, I shall behold him,
as he inspects the lackered plate, twice
taking his spectacles from off his nose,
to wipe away the dew which nature has
shed upon them ---- When I see him
cast in the rosemary with an air of discon-
solation, which cries through my ears,
---- O Toby ! in what corner of the
world shall I seek thy fellow ?
                          ---- Gra-

[ 110 ]

  ---- Gracious powers ! which erst
have opened the lips of the dumb in his
distress, and made the tongue of the
stammerer speak plain ---- when I shall
arrive at this dreaded page, deal not
with me, then, with a stinted hand.


THE corporal, who the night be-
fore had resolved in his mind, to
supply the grand desideratum, of keeping
up something like an incessant firing
upon the enemy during the heat of the
attack, -- had no further idea in his fancy
at that time, than a contrivance of smoak-
ing tobacco against the town, out of
one of my uncle Toby's six field pieces,
which were planted on each side of his
sentry-box; the means of effecting which
occurring to his fancy at the same time,
though he had pledged his cap, he

[ 111 ]

thought it in no danger from the miscar-
riage of his projects.

  Upon turning it this way, and that,
a little in his mind, he soon began to
find out, that by means of his two Tur-
tobacco-pipes, with the supplement
of three smaller tubes of wash-leather at
each of their lower ends, to be tagg'd
by the same number of tin pipes fitted
to the touch holes, and sealed with clay
next the cannon, and then tied herme-
tically with waxed silk at their several
insertions into the Morocco tube, -- he
should be able to fire the six field pieces
all together, and with the same ease as
to fire one. ------

  ---- Let no man say from what taggs
and jaggs hints may not be cut out for
the advancement of human knowledge.
Let no man who has read my father's
first and second beds of justice, ever rise
up and say again, from collision of what

[ 112 ]

kinds of bodies, light may, or may not
be struck out, to carry the arts and sci-
ences up to perfection. ---- Heaven !
thou knowest how I love them ; ---- thou
knowest the secrets of my heart, and
that I would this moment give my shirt
---- Thou art a foal, Shandy, says Eu-
, -- for thou hast but a dozen in the
world, -- and 'twill break thy set. ----

  No matter for that, Eugenius; I would
give the shirt off my back to be burnt
into tinder, were it only to satisfy one
feverish enquirer, how many sparks at
one good stroke, a good flint and steel
could strike into the tail of it. ----
Think ye not that in striking these in, --
he might, peradventure, strike something
out ? as sure as a gun. ----

  ---- But this project, by the bye.

  The corporal sat up the best part of
the night in bringing his to perfection ;

[ 113 ]

and having made a sufficient proof of
his cannon, with charging them to the
top with tobacco, -- he went with con-
tentment to bed.


THE corporal had slipped out about
ten minutes before my uncle Toby,
in order to fix his apparatus, and just
give the enemy a shot or two before my
uncle Toby came.

  He had drawn the six field-pieces for
this end, all close up together in front
of my uncle Toby's sentry-box, leaving
only an interval of about a yard and a
half betwixt the three, on the right and
left, for the convenience of charging,
&c. -- and the sake possibly of two bat-
teries, which he might think double the
honour of one.

  In the rear, and facing this opening,
with his back to the door of the sentry-
  VOL. VI.        I            box,

[ 114 ]

box, for fear of being flanked, had the
corporal wisely taken his post : ---- He
held the ivory pipe, appertaining to the
battery on the right, betwixt the finger
and thumb of his right hand, -- and the
ebony pipe tipp'd with silver, which ap-
pertained to the battery on the left, be-
twixt the finger and thumb of the other
---- and with his right knee fixed firm
upon the ground, as if in the front rank
of his platoon, was the corporal, with
his montero-cap upon his head, furiously
playing off his two cross batteries at the
same time against the counterguard,
which faced the counterscarp, where the
attack was to be made that morning.
His first intention, as I said, was no
more than giving the enemy a single puff
or two ; -- but the pleasure of the puffs,
as well as the puffing, had insensibly got
hold of the corporal, and drawn him on
from puff to puff, into the very height

[ 115 ]

of the attack, by the time my uncle Toby
joined him.

  'Twas well for my father, that my
uncle Toby had not his will to make that


MY uncle Toby took the ivory pipe
out of the corporal's hand, --
looked at it for half a minute, and re-
turned it.

  In less than two minutes my uncle
Toby took the pipe from the corporal
again, and raised it half way to his mouth
---- then hastily gave it back a second

  The corporal redoubled the attack,
---- my uncle Toby smiled, ---- then
looked grave, ---- then smiled for a mo-
ment, ---- then looked serious for a long
             I 2              time ;

[ 116 ]

time ; ---- Give me hold of the ivory
pipe, Trim, said my uncle Toby ---- my
uncle Toby put it to his lips, ---- drew
it back directly, ---- gave a peep over
the horn-beam hedge ; ---- never did
my uncle Toby's mouth water so much
for a pipe in his life. ---- My uncle Toby
retired into the sentry-box with the pipe
in his hand. ------

  ---- Dear uncle Toby ! don't go into
the sentry-box with the pipe, -- there's
no trusting a man's self with such a
thing in such a corner.


I Beg the reader will assist me here, to
wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance
behind the scenes, ---- to remove his
sentry-box, and clear the theatre, if pos-
, of horn-works and half-moons,
and get the rest of his military appa-
ratus out of the way ; ---- that done,

[ 117 ]

my dear friend Garrick, we'll snuff the
candles bright, -- sweep the stage with a
new broom, -- draw up the curtain, and
exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new
character, throughout which the world
can have no idea how he will act : and
yet, if pity be akin to love, -- and bra-
very no alien to it, you have seen enough
of my uncle Toby in these, to trace these
family likenesses, betwixt the two passi-
ons (in case there is one) to your heart's

  Vain science ! thou assists us in no
case of this kind -- and thou puzzlest us
in every one.

  There was, Madam, in my uncle
Toby, a singleness of heart which misled
him so far out of the little serpentine
tracks in which things of this nature
usually go on ; you can -- you can have
no conception of it : with this, there
             I 3              was

[ 118 ]

was a plainness and simplicity of think-
ing, with such an unmistrusting igno-
rance of the plies and foldings of the
heart of woman ; ---- and so naked and
defenceless did he stand before you,
(when a siege was out of his head) that
you might have stood behind any one of
your serpentine walks, and shot my un-
cle Toby ten times in a day, through his
liver, if nine times in a day, Madam,
had not served your purpose.

  With all this, Madam, -- and what
confounded every thing as much on the
other hand, my uncle Toby had that un-
paralleled modesty of nature I once told
you of, and which, by the bye, stood
eternal sentry upon his feelings, that
you might as soon ---- But where am I
going? these reflections croud in upon me
ten pages at least too soon, and take up
that time, which I ought to bestow upon
                          C H A P.

[ 119 ]


OF the few legitimate sons of Adam,
whose breasts never felt what the
sting of love was -- (maintaining first,
all mysogynists to be bastards) -- the
greatest heroes of ancient and modern
story have carried off amongst them, nine
parts in ten of the honour ; and I wish
for their sakes I had the key of my
study out of my draw-well, only for
five minutes, to tell you their names --
recollect them I cannot -- so be content
to accept of these, for the present, in
their stead. ------

  There was the great king Aldrovandus,
and Bosphorus, and Capadocius, and Dar-
, and Pontus, and Asius, ---- to
say nothing of the iron-hearted Charles
the XIIth, whom the Countess of K*****
herself could make nothing of. ----
             I 4              There