[ 22 ]

  The stranger had not got half a league
on his way towards Frankfort, before all
the city of Strasburg was in an uproar
about his nose. The Compline-bells were
just ringing to call the Strasburgers to
their devotions, and shut up the duties
of the day in prayer : ---- no soul in all
Strasburg heard 'em -- the city was like
a swarm of bees ---- men, women, and
children (the Compline-bells tinkling all
the time) flying here and there -- in at
one door, out at another -- this way and
that way -- long ways and cross ways --
up one street, down another street -- in at
this ally, out at that ---- did you see
it ? did you see it ? did you see it ? O !
did you see it ? -- who saw it ? who did
see it ? for mercy's sake, who saw it ?

  Alack o'day ! I was at vespers ! ---- I
was washing, I was starching, I was

[ 23 ]

scouring, I was quilting -- GOD help me !
I never saw it -- I never touch'd it ! ----
would I had been a centinel, a bandy-
leg'd drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpe-
ter's wife, was the general cry and la-
mentation in every street and corner of

  Whilst all this confusion and disorder
triumphed throughout the great city of
Strasburg, was the courteous stranger go-
ing on as gently upon his mule in his way
to Frankfort, as if he had had no concern
at all in the affair -- talking all the way
he rode in broken sentences, sometimes
to his mule -- sometimes to himself ----
sometimes to his Julia.

  O Julia, my lovely Julia ! -- nay I cannot
stop to let thee bite that thistle -- that ever
the suspected tongue of a rival should have
             C 4              robbed

[ 24 ]

robbed me of enjoyment when I was
upon the point of tasting it. --

   -- Pugh ! -- 'tis nothing but a thistle --
never mind it -- thou shalt have a better
supper at night. --

  ---- Banish'd from my country -- my
friends -- from thee. --

  Poor devil, thou'rt sadly tired with
thy journey ! -- come -- get on a little
faster -- there's nothing in my cloak-bag
but two shirts -- a crimson-sattin pair of
breeches, and a fringed -- Dear Julia !

   -- But why to Frankfort ? -- is it that
there is a hand unfelt, which secretly is
conducting me through these meanders
and unsuspected tracts ? --
                          -- Stumbling !

[ 25 ]

  -- Stumbling ! by saint Nicolas ! every
step ---- why, at this rate we shall be all
night in getting in ------

   -- To happiness -- or am I to be the
sport of fortune and slander -- destined to
be driven forth unconvicted -- unheard --
untouched ---- if so, why did I not stay
at Strasburg, where justice ---- but I had
sworn ! -- Come, thou shalt drink -- to St.
-- O Julia ! ---- What dost thou
prick up thy ears at ? -- 'tis nothing but a
man, &c. ------

  The stranger rode on communing in
this manner with his mule and Julia --
till he arrived at his inn, where, as soon
as he arrived, he alighted -- saw his mule,
as he had promised it, taken good care
of ---- took off his cloak-bag, with his
crimson-sattin breeches, &c. in it ----

[ 26 ]

called for an omelet to his supper, went
to his bed about twelve o'clock, and in
five minutes fell fast asleep.

  It was about the same hour when
the tumult in Strasburg being abated
for that night, ---- the Strasburgers had
all got quietly into their beds -- but not
like the stranger, for the rest either of
their minds or bodies ; queen Mab, like
an elf as she was, had taken the stranger's
nose, and without reduction of its bulk,
had that night been at the pains of slitting
and dividing it into as many noses of
different cuts and fashions, as there were
heads in Strasburg to hold them. The
abbess of Quedlingberg, who, with the
four great dignitaries of her chapter,
the prioress, the deaness, the sub-chan-
tress, and senior canoness, had that week
come to Strasburg to consult the university

[ 27 ]

upon a case of conscience relating to their
placket holes -- was ill all the night.

  The courteous stranger's nose had got
perched upon the top of the pineal gland
of her brain, and made such rousing
work in the fancies of the four great
dignitaries of her chapter, they could not
get a wink of sleep the whole night thro'
for it ---- there was no keeping a limb
still amongst them -- in short, they got
up like so many ghosts.

  The penitentiaries of the third order
of saint Francis ---- the nuns of mount
Calvary -- the Præmonstratenses ---- the
Clunienses * -- the Carthusians, and all the
severer orders of nuns who lay that
night in blankets or hair-cloth, were still

  * Hafen Slawkenbergius means the Benedictine
nuns of Cluny, founded in the year 940, by Odo,
abbé de Cluny.

[ 28 ]

in a worse condition than the abbess of
Quedlingberg -- by tumbling and tossing,
and tossing and tumbling from one side
of their beds to the other the whole
night long -- the several sisterhoods had
scratch'd and mawl'd themselves all to
death -- they got out of their beds almost
flead alive -- every body thought saint
Antony had visited them for probation
with his fire ---- they had never once, in
short, shut their eyes the whole night
long from vespers to matins.

  The nuns of saint Ursula acted the
wisest -- they never attempted to go to
bed at all.

  The dean of Strasburg, the prebenda-
ries, the capitulars and domiciliars (ca-
pitularly assembled in the morning to con-
sider the case of butter'd buns) all wished
             1              they

[ 29 ]

they had followed the nuns of saint
Ursula's example. ---- In the hurry and
confusion every thing had been in the
night before, the bakers had all forgot
to lay their leaven -- there were no but-
ter'd buns to be had for breakfast in all
Strasburg -- the whole close of the cathe-
dral was in one eternal commotion -- such
a cause of restlessness and disquietude,
and such a zealous inquiry into the
cause of that restlessness, had never hap-
pened in Strasburg, since Martin Luther,
with his doctrines, had turned the city
up-side down.

  If the stranger's nose took this liberty
of thrusting itself thus into the dishes * of
  * Mr. Shandy's compliments to orators -- is very
sensible that Slawkenbergius has here changed his
metaphor -- which he is very guilty of ; -- that as a
translator, Mr. Shandy has all along done what he
could to make him stick to it -- but that here 'twas

[ 30 ]

religious orders, &c. what a carnival did
his nose make of it, in those of the laity !
-- 'tis more than my pen, worn to the
stump as it is, has power to describe ; tho'
I acknowledge, (cries Slawkenbergius,
with more gaiety of thought than I could
have expected from him)
that there is many
a good simile now subsisting in the world
which might give my countrymen some
idea of it ; but at the close of such a folio
as this, wrote for their sakes, and in
which I have spent the greatest part of
my life -- tho' I own to them the simile is
in being, yet would it not be unreason-
able in them to expect I should have ei-
ther time or inclination to search for it ?
Let it suffice to say, that the riot and dis-
order it occasioned in the Strasburgers fan-
tacies was so general -- such an overpow-
ering mastership had it got of all the
faculties of the Strasburgers minds -- so

[ 31 ]

many strange things, with equal confi-
dence on all sides, and with equal eloquence
in all places, were spoken and sworn to
concerning it, that turned the whole
stream of all discourse and wonder to-
wards it -- every soul, good and bad --
rich and poor -- learned and unlearned --
doctor and student -- mistress and maid --
gentle and simple -- nun's flesh and wo-
man's flesh in Strasburg spent their
time in hearing tidings about it -- every
eye in Strasburg languished to see it ----
every finger -- every thumb in Strasburg
burned to touch it.

  Now what might add, if any thing
may be thought necessary to add to so
vehement a desire -- was this, that the
centinel, the bandy-legg'd drummer, the
trumpeter, the trumpeter's wife, the
burgo-master's widow, the master of the
             1              inn,

[ 32 ]

inn, and the master of the inn's wife,
how widely soever they all differed every
one from another in their testimonies
and descriptions of the stranger's nose --
they all agreed together in two points --
namely, that he was gone to Frankfort,
and would not return to Strasburg till
that day month ; and secondly, whether
his nose was true or false, that the stran-
ger himself was one of the most perfect
paragons of beauty -- the finest made man !
-- the most genteel ! -- the most generous
of his purse -- the most courteous in his
carriage that had ever entered the gates
of Strasburg -- that as he rode, with his
scymetar slung loosely to his wrist, thro'
the streets -- and walked with his crimson-
sattin breeches across the parade -- 'twas
with so sweet an air of careless modesty,
and so manly withal -- as would have put
the heart in jeopardy (had his nose not

[ 33 ]

stood in his way) of every virgin who
had cast her eyes upon him.

  I call not upon that heart which is a
stranger to the throbs and yearnings of
curiosity, so excited, to justify the abbess
of Quedlingberg, the prioress, the deaness
and subchantress for sending at noon-day
for the trumpeter's wife : she went
through the streets of Strasburg with
her husband's trumpet in her hand ; --
the best apparatus the straitness of the
time would allow her, for the illustration
of her theory -- she staid no longer than
three days.

  The centinel and the bandy-legg'd
drummer ! -- nothing on this side of old
Athens could equal them ! they read
their lectures under the city gates to
comers and goers, with all the pomp
  VOL. IV.        D            of

[ 34 ]

of a Chrysippus and a Crantor in their

  The master of the inn, with his ostler
on his left-hand, read his also in the same
stile, -- under the portico or gateway of his
stable-yard -- his wife, hers more privately
in a back room : all flocked to their lectures;
not promiscuously -- but to this or that,
as is ever the way, as faith and credulity
marshal'd them -- in a word, each Stras-
came crouding for intelligence --
and every Strasburger had the intelligence
he wanted.

  'Tis worth remarking, for the benefit
of all demonstrators in natural philoso-
phy, &c. that as soon as the trumpeter's
wife had finished the abbess of Quedlin-
's private lecture, and had begun to
read in public, which she did upon a

[ 35 ]

stool in the middle of the great parade --
she incommoded the other demonstrators
mainly, by gaining incontinently the
most fashionable part of the city of Stras-
for her auditory -- But when a de-
monstrator in philosophy (cries Slawken-
has a trumpet for an apparatus,
pray what rival in science can pretend to
be heard besides him ?

  Whilst the unlearned, thro' these con-
duits of intelligence, were all busied in
getting down to the bottom of the well,
where TRUTH keeps her little court --
were the learned in their way as busy in
pumping her up thro' the conduits of
dialect induction -- they concerned them-
selves not with facts -- they reasoned --

  Not one profession had thrown more
light upon this subject than the faculty --
             D 2              had

[ 36 ]

had not all their disputes about it run into
the affair of Wens and oedematous swel-
lings, they could not keep clear of them
for their bloods and souls -- the stranger's
nose had nothing to do either with wens
or oedematous swellings.

  It was demonstrated however very sa-
tisfactorily, that such a ponderous mass of
heterogenious matter could not be con-
gested and conglomerated to the nose,
whilst the infant was in Utero, without
destroying the statical balance of the
foetus, and throwing it plump upon its
head nine months before the time. ----

   -- The opponents granted the theory --
they denied the consequences.

  And if a suitable provision of veins,
arteries, &c. said they, was not laid in,

[ 37 ]

for the due nourishment of such a nose,
in the very first stamina and rudiments
of its formation before it came into the
world (bating the case of Wens) it could
not regularly grow and be sustained af-

  This was all answered by a dissertation
upon nutriment, and the effect which
nutriment had in extending the vessels,
and in the increase and prolongation of
the muscular parts to the greatest growth
and expansion imaginable -- In the tri-
umph of which theory, they went so far
as to affirm, that there was no cause in
nature, why a nose might not grow to
the size of the man himself.

  The respondents satisfied the world
this event could never happen to them so
long as a man had but one stomach and
             D 3              one

[ 38 ]

one pair of lungs -- For the stomach, said
they, being the only organ destined for
the reception of food, and turning it into
chyle, -- and the lungs the only engine of
sanguification -- it could possibly work off
no more, than what the appetite brought
it : or admitting the possibility of a man's
overloading his stomach, nature had set
bounds however to his lungs -- the engine
was of a determined size and strength,
and could elaborate but a certain quantity
in a given time -- that is, it could produce
just as much blood as was sufficient for
one single man, and no more ; so that,
if there was as much nose as man -- they
proved a mortification must necessarily
ensue ; and forasmuch as there could not
be a support for both, that the nose must
either fall off from the man, or the man
inevitably fall off from his nose.


[ 39 ]

  Nature accommodates herself to these
emergencies, cried the opponents -- else
what do you say to the case of a whole
stomach -- a whole pair of lungs, and but
half a man, when both his legs have
been unfortunately shot off ? --

  He dies of a plethora, said they -- or
must spit blood, and in a fortnight or
three weeks go off in a consumption --

   -- It happens otherways -- replied the
opponents. ----

  It ought not, said they.

  The more curious and intimate inqui-
rers after nature and her doings, though
they went hand in hand a good way to-
gether, yet they all divided about the
nose at last, almost as much as the fa-
culty itself.
             D 4              They