T  H  E

L   I   F   E

A  N  D



G E N T L E M A N.

Multidudinis imperitæ non formido judicia ; meis
   tamen, rogo parcant opusculis ---- in quibus
   fuit propositi semper, a jocis ad seria, a seriis
   vicissim ad jocos transire.

               JOAN. SARESBERIENSIS,
                    Episcopus Lugdun.

V O L. IV.

L O N D O N :
Printed for R. and J. DODSLEY in Pall-Mall.

VOL. IV.          B

A B E L L A.*

V E S P E R A quâdam frigidulâ, po-
steriori in parte mensis
peregrinus, mulo fusco colore insi-
dens, manticâ a tergo, paucis indusijs,
binis calceis, braccisque sericis coccinejs re-
Argentoratum ingressus est.

  Militi eum percontanti, quum portus in-
traret, dixit, se apud Nasorum promonto-
rium fuisse, Francofurtum proficisci, et Ar-
gentoratum, transitu ad fines Sarmatiæ
mensis intervallo, reversurum.

  * As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nasis is extremely
scarce, it may not be unacceptable to the learned
reader to see the specimen of a few pages of his
original ; I will make no reflection upon it, but
that his story-telling Latin is much more concise
than his philosophic ---- and, I think, has more of
Latinity in it.


S L A W K E N B E R G I U S' s
T A L E.

IT was one cool refreshing evening,
at the close of a very sultry day, in
the latter end of the month of August,
when a stranger, mounted upon a dark
mule, with a small cloak-bag behind
him, containing a few shirts, a pair of
shoes, and a crimson-sattin pair of
breeches, entered the town of Strasburg.

  He told the centinel, who questioned
him as he entered the gates, that he had
been at the promontory of NOSES -- was
going on to Frankfort -- and should be
back again at Strasburg that day month,
in his way to the borders of Crim-
             B 2              The

[ 4 ]

  Miles peregrini in faciem suspexit -- Di
boni, nova forma nasi !

  At multum mihi profuit, inquit pere-
grinus, carpum amento extrahens, e quo
pependit acinaces : Loculo manum inse-
ruit ; & magnâ cum urbanitate, pilei parte
anteriore tactâ manu sinistrâ, ut extendit
dextram, militi florinum dedit et processit.

  Dolet mihi, ait miles, tympanistam na-
num et valgum alloquens, virum adeo ur-
banum vaginam perdidisse ; itinerari haud
poterit nudâ acinaci, neque vaginam toto

Argentorato, habilem inveniet. -- Nullam
unquam habui, respondit peregrinus respi-

             2              ciens,
[ 5 ]

  The centinel looked up into the stran-
ger's face -- never saw such a nose in his
life !

   -- I have made a very good venture of
it, quoth the stranger -- so slipping his
wrist out of the loop of a black ribband,
to which a short scymetar was hung : He
put his hand into his pocket, and with
great courtesy touching the forepart of
his cap with his left-hand, as he ex-
tended his right -- he put a florin into
the centinel's hand, and passed on.

  It grieves me, said the centinel, speak-
ing to a little dwarfish bandy-leg'd drum-
mer, that so courteous a soul should have
lost his scabbard -- he cannot travel with-
out one to his scymetar, and will not be
able to get a scabbard to fit it in all
             B 3          Strasburg.--

[ 6 ]

ciens, -- seque comiter inclinans -- hoc more
gesto, nudam acinacem elevans, mulo lentè
progrediente, ut nasum tueri possim.

  Non immerito, benigne peregrine, re-
spondit miles.

  Nihili æstimo, ait ille tympanista, e per-
gamenâ factitius est.

  Prout christianus sum, inquit miles, nasus
ille, ni sexties major sit, meo esset con-

  Crepitare audivi ait tympanista.

                          ` Me-

[ 7 ]

Strasburg. ---- I never had one, replied
the stranger, looking back to the centi-
nel, and putting his hand up to his cap
as he spoke ---- I carry it, continued he,
thus -- holding up his naked scymetar, his
mule moving on slowly all the time, on
purpose to defend my nose.

  It is well worth it, gentle stranger,
replied the centinel.

   -- 'Tis not worth a single stiver, said
the bandy-leg'd drummer -- 'tis a nose of

  As I am a true catholic -- except that
it is six times as big -- 'tis a nose, said
the centinel, like my own.

   -- I heard it crackle, said the drum-
             B 4              By

[ 8 ]

  Mehercule ! sanguinem emisit, respondit

  Miseret me, inquit tympanista, qui non
ambo tetigimus !

  Eodem temporis puncto, quo hæc res ar-
gumentata fuit inter militem et tympani-
stam, disceptabatur ibidem tubicine & ux-
ore suâ, qui tunc accesserunt, et peregrino
prætereunte, restiterunt.

  Quantus nasus ! æque longus est, ait
tubicina, ac tuba.

  Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut
sternutamento audias.


[ 9 ]

  By dunder, said the centinel, I saw it

  What a pity, cried the bandy-legg'd
drummer, we did not both touch it !

  At the very time that this dispute was
maintaining by the centinel and the
drummer -- was the same point debating
betwixt a trumpeter and a trumpeter's
wife, who were just then coming up,
and had stopped to see the stranger pass

  Benedicity ! ---- What a nose ! 'tis as
long, said the trumpeter's wife, as a

  And of the same mettle, said the
trumpeter, as you hear by its sneez-
                          -- 'Tis

[ 10 ]

Tantum abest, respondit illa, quod fistu-
lam dulcedine vincit.
  Æneus est, ait tubicen.

  Nequaquam, respondit uxor.

  Rursum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod Æneus

  Rem penitus explorabo ; prius, enim
digito tangam, ait uxor, quam dormi-

  Mulus peregrini, gradu lento progressus
est, ut unumquodque verbum controversiæ,
non tantum inter militem et tympanistam,
verum etiam inter tubicinem et uxorem ejus,

  Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum
fræna demittens, & manibus ambabus in

[ 11 ]

   -- 'Tis as soft as a flute, said she.

   -- 'Tis brass, said the trumpeter.

   -- 'Tis a pudding's end -- said his wife.

  I tell thee again, said the trumpeter,
'tis a brazen nose.

  I'll know the bottom of it, said the
trumpeter's wife, for I will touch it with
my finger before I sleep.

  The stranger's mule moved on at so
slow a rate, that he heard every word of
the dispute, not only betwixt the centinel
and the drummer ; but betwixt the trum-
peter and the trumpeter's wife.

  No ! said he, dropping his reins upon
his mule's neck, and laying both his

[ 12 ]

pectus positis, (mulo lentè progrediente)
nequaquam ait ille, respiciens, non necesse
est ut res isthæc dilucidata foret. Minime
gentium ! meus nasus nunquam tangetur,
dum spiritus hos reget artus -- ad quid agen-
dum ? ait uxor burgomagistri.

  Peregrinus illi non respondit. Votum
faciebat tunc temporis sancto Nicolao, quo
facto, sinum dextram inserens, e quâ negli-
genter pependit acinaces, lento gradu pro-
cessit per plateam Argentorati latam quæ
ad diversorium templo ex adversum ducit.


[ 13 ]

hands upon his breast, the one over the
other in a saint-like position (his mule
going on easily all the time) No ! said
he, looking up, -- I am not such a deb-
tor to the world -- slandered and disap-
pointed as I have been ---- as to give it
that conviction -- no ! said he, my nose
shall never be touched whilst heaven gives
me strength -- To do what ? said a bur-
gomaster's wife.

  The stranger took no notice of the
burgomaster's wife -- he was making a
vow to saint Nicolas ; which done, hav-
ing uncrossed his arms with the same so-
lemnity with which he crossed them, he
took up the reins of his bridle with his
left-hand, and putting his right-hand in-
to his bosom, with his scymetar hanging
loosely to the wrist of it, he rode on as
slowly as one foot of the mule could fol-

[ 14 ]

  Peregrinus mulo descendens stabulo in-
cludi, & manticam inferri jussit : quâ aper-
tâ et coccineis sericis femoralibus extractis
cum argenteo laciniato
Perizomate, his sese
induit, statimque, acinaci in manu, ad
forum deambulavit.

  Quod ubi peregrinus esset ingressus, ux-
orem tubicinis obviam euntem aspicit ; illico
cursum flectit, metuens ne nasus suus explo-
raretur, atque ad diversorium regressus est
-- exuit se vestibus ; braccas coccineas se-

[ 15 ]

low another thro' the principal streets of
Strasburg, till chance brought him to the
great inn in the market-place over-against
the church.

  The moment the stranger alighted, he
ordered his mule to be led into the stable,
and his cloak-bag to be brought in ;
then opening, and taking out of it, his
crimson-sattin breeches, with a silver-
fringed -- (appendage to them, which I
dare not translate) -- he put his breeches,
with his fringed cod-piece on, and forth-
with with his short scymetar in his hand,
walked out to the grand parade.

  The stranger had just taken three turns
upon the parade, when he perceived the
trumpeter's wife at the opposite side of
it -- so turning short, in pain lest his nose
should be attempted, he instantly went

[ 16 ]

ricas manticæ imposuit mulumque educi

  Francofurtum proficiscor, ait ille, et
Argentoratum quatuor abhinc hebdomadis

  Bene curasti hoc jumentum ( ait ) muli
faciem manu demulcens ---- me, manticam-
que meam, plus sexcentis mille passibus por-

  Longa via est ! respondit hospes, nisi
plurimum esset negoti. ---- Enimvero ait
peregrinus a nasorum promontorio redij,
et nasum speciosissimum, egregiosissimumque

[ 17 ]

back to his inn ---- undressed himself,
packed up his crimson-sattin breeches,
&c. in his cloak-bag, and called for his

  I am going forwards, said the stranger,
for Frankfort ---- and shall be back at
Strasburg this day month.

  I hope, continued the stranger, stro-
king down the face of his mule with his
left-hand as he was going to mount it,
that you have been kind to this faithful
slave of mine ---- it has carried me and
my cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the
mule's back, above six hundred leagues.

  -- 'Tis a long journey, Sir, replied the
master of the inn ---- unless a man has
great business. -- Tut ! tut ! said the stran-
ger, I have been at the promontory of
  VOL. IV.        C           Noses;

[ 18 ]

quem unquam quisquam sortitus est, acqui-
sivi !

  Dum peregrinus hanc miram rationem,
de seipso reddit, hospes et uxor ejus, oculis
intentis, peregrini nasum contemplantur --
Per sanctos, sanctasque omnes, ait hospitis
uxor, nasis duodecim maximis, in toto Ar-
gentorato major est ! -- estne ait illa mariti
in aurem insusurrans, nonne est nasus præ-
grandis ?

  Dolus inest, anime mi, ait hospes -- nasus
est falsus. --

  Verus est, respondit uxor. --

  Ex abiete factus est, ait ille, terebinthi-
num olet ----

[ 19 ]

Noses ; and have got me one of the
goodliest and jolliest, thank heaven, that
ever fell to a single man's lot.

  Whilst the stranger was giving this
odd account of himself, the master of
the inn and his wife kept both their
eyes fixed full upon the stranger's nose --
By saint Radagunda, said the inn-keeper's
wife to herself, there is more of it than
in any dozen of the largest noses put to-
gether in all Strasburg ! is it not, said
she, whispering her husband in his ear,
is it not a noble nose ?

  'Tis an imposture, my dear, said the
master of the inn -- 'tis a false nose. --

  'Tis a true nose, said his wife. --

  'Tis made of fir-tree, said he, -- I smell
the turpentine. --
             C 2              'Tis

[ 20 ]

  Carbunculus inest, ait uxor.

  Mortuus est nasus, respondit hospes.

  Vivus est, ait illa, ---- & si ipsa vivam

  Votum feci sancto Nicolao, ait peregrinus,
nasum meum intactum fore usque ad -- Quod-
nam tempus ? illico respondit illa.

  Minime tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in
pectus compositis) usque ad illam horam --
Quam horam ? ait illa. -- Nullam, respondit
peregrinus, donec pervenio, ad -- Quem lo-
cum, -- obsecro ? ait illa -- Peregrinus nil
respondens mulo conscenso discessit.

[ 21 ]

  There's a pimple on it, said she.

  'Tis a dead nose, replied the inn-

  'Tis a live nose, and if I am alive my-
self, said the inn-keeper's wife, I will
touch it.

  I have made a vow to saint Nicolas
this day, said the stranger, that my nose
shall not be touched till -- Here the stran-
ger, suspending his voice, looked up --
Till when ? said she hastily.

  It never shall be touched, said he,
clasping his hands and bringing them
close to his breasts, till that hour ----
What hour ? cried the inn-keeper's wife.
---- Never ! -- never ! said the stranger,
never till I am got -- For heaven sake
into what place ? said she. -- The stranger
rode away without saying a word.
             C 3              The