[ 160 ]

ing my father stood up for all his opi-
nions : he had spared no pains in pick-0
ing them up, and the more they lay out
of the common way, the better still was
his title. ---- No mortal claim'd them :
they had cost him moreover as much la-
bour in cooking and digesting as in the
case above, so that they might well and
truely be said to be of his own goods and
chattles. ---- Accordingly he held fast by
'em, both by teeth and claws, ---- would
fly to whatever he could lay his hands
on, ---- and in a word, would intrench
and fortify them round with as many cir-
cumvallations and breast-works, as my
uncle Toby would a citadel.

  There was one plaguy rub in the way
of this, ---- the scarcity of materials to
make any thing of a defence with , in case

[ 161 ]

of a smart attack ; inasmuch as few men
of great genius had exercised their parts
in writing books upon the subject of
great noses : by the trotting of my lean
horse, the thing is incredible ! and I am
quite lost in my understanding when I
am considering what a treasure of pre-
cious time and talents together has been
wasted upon worse subjects, ---- and how
many millions of books in all languages,
and in all possible types and bindings,
have been fabricated upon points not half
so much tending to the unity and peace-
making of the world. What was to be
had, however, he set the greater store
by ; and though my father would oft-
times sport with my uncle Toby's li-
brary, ---- which, by the bye, was ridi-
culous enough, -- yet at the very same
time he did it, he collected every book
  VOL. III.        L            and

[ 162 ]

and treatise which had been systematically
wrote upon noses, with as much care as
my honest uncle Toby had done those up-
on military architecture. ---- 'Tis true, a
much less table would have held them, --
but that was not thy transgression, my
dear uncle. ----

  Here, ---- but why here, ---- rather
than in any other part of my story, ----
I am not able to tell ; ---- but here it
is, ---- my heart stops me to pay to
thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all,
the tribute I owe thy goodness. ---- Here
let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel
down upon the ground, whilst I am
pouring forth the warmest sentiments
of love for thee, and veneratlon for
the excellency of thy character, that
ever virtue and nature kindled in a

[ 163 ]

nephew's bosom. ------ Peace and com-
fort rest for evermore upon thy head ! --
Thou envied'st no man's comforts, ----
insulted'st no man's opinions. ---- Thou
blackened'st no man's character, ------
devoured'st no man's bread : gently
with faithful Trim behind thee, didst
thou amble round the little circle of
thy pleasures, jostling no creature in
thy way ; ---- for each one's service,
thou hadst a tear, ---- for each man's
need, thou hadst a shilling.

  Whilst I am worth one, to pay a
weeder, ---- thy path from thy door to
thy bowling green shall never be grown
up. ---- Whilst there is a rood and a
half of land in the Shandy family, thy
fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall
never be demolish'd.
             L 2              C H A P.

[ 164 ]


MY father's collection was not great,
but to make amends, it was curi-
ous ; and consequently, he was some time
in making it; he had the great good for-
tune however to set off well, in getting
Bruscambille's prologue upon long noses,
almost for nothing, -- for he gave no more
for Bruscambille than three half crowns ;
owing indeed to the strong fancy which
the stall-man saw my father had for the
book the moment he laid his hands upon
it. ---- There are not three Bruscambilles in
Christendom, ---- said the stall-man, except
what are chain'd up in the libraries of the
curious. My father flung down the mo-
ney as quick as lightning, -- took Brus-
into his bosom, ---- hyed home

[ 165 ]

from Piccadilly to Coleman-street with it, as
he would have hyed home with a treasure,
without taking his hand once off from
Bruscambille all the way.

  To those who do not yet know of which
gender Bruscambille is, ---- inasmuch as a
prologue upon long noses might easily be
done by either, ---- 'twill be no objection
against the simile, -- to say, That when my
father got home, he solaced himself with
Bruscambille after the manner, in which,
'tis ten to one, your worship solaced your-
self with your first mistress, ---- that is,
from morning even unto night : which by
the bye, how delightful soever it may prove
to the inamorato, -- is of little, or no en-
tertainment at all, to by-standers, -- Take
notice, I go no farther with the simile, --
my father's eye was greater than his
             L 3              appetite,

[ 166 ]

appetite, -- his zeal greater than his know-
ledge, --- he cool'd --- his affections be-
came divided, ---- he got hold of Prig-
, -- purchased Scroderus, Andrea Paræ-
, Bouchet's Evening Conferences, and
above all, the great and learned Hafen
; of which, as I shall have
much to say by and bye, ---- I will say
nothing now.


OF all the tracts my father was at the
pains to procure and study in sup-
port of his hypothesis, there was not any
one wherein he felt a more cruel disap-
pointment at first, than in the celebrated
dialogue between Pamphagus and Cocles,
written by the chaste pen of the great and
venerable Erasmus, upon the various uses

[ 167 ]

and seasonable applications of long noses.
---- Now don't let Satan, my dear girl,
in this chapter, take advantage of any one
spot of rising-ground to get astride of
your imagination, if you can any ways
help it; or if he is so nimble as to slip
on, ---- let me beg of you, like an un-
back'd filly, to frisk it, to squirt it, to jump
it, to rear it, to bound it, -- and to kick it,
with long kicks and short kicks
, till like
Tickletoby's mare, you break a strap
or a crupper, and throw his worship
into the dirt. ------ You need not kill
him. ----

  ---- And pray who was Tickletoby's
mare ? -- 'tis just as discreditable and un-
scholar-like a question, Sir, as to have
asked what year (ab urb. con.) the second
Punic war broke out. -- Who was Tickle-
             L 4              's

[ 168 ]

toby's mare ! -- Read, read, read, read, my
unlearned reader ! read, -- or by the know-
ledge of the great saint Paraleipomenon --
I tell you before-hand, you had better
throw down the book at once; for without
much reading, by which your reverence
knows, I mean much knowledge, you
will no more be able to penetrate the
moral of the next marbled page (motly
emblem of my work !) than the world
with all its sagacity has been able to un-
raval the many opinions, transactions and
truths which still lie mystically hid under
the dark veil of the black one.

                          C H A P.

[ 169 ]

The Marbled Page

[ 170 ]

The Marbled Page

[ 171 ]


``NIHIL me poenitet hujus nasi,''
quoth Pamphagus ; -- that is, ----
`` My nose has been the making of me.'
---- `` Nec est cur poeniteat,'' replies Cocles;
that is, `` How the duce should such a
nose fail?''
  The doctrine, you see, was laid down
by Erasmus, as my father wished it, with
the utmost plainness ; but my father's dis-
appointment was, in finding nothing more
from so able a pen, but the bare fact it-
self; without any of that speculative sub-
tilty or ambidexterity of argumentation
upon it, which heaven had bestow'd upon
man on purpose to investigate truth and
fight for her on all sides. ---- My father
pish'd and pugh'd at first most terribly, --
'tis worth something to have a good
name. As the dialogue was of Erasmus,
my father soon came to himself, and read

[ 172 ]

it over and over again with great appli-
cation, studying every word and every
syllable of it thro' and thro' in its most
strict and literal interpretation, -- he could
still make nothing of it, that way. May-
haps there is more meant, than is said in
it, quoth my father. -- Learned men, bro-
ther Toby, don't write dialogues upon
long noses for nothing. ---- I'll study the
mystic and the allegoric sense, ---- here is
some room to turn a man's self in,brother.
  My father read on. ------
  Now, I find it needful to inform your
reverences and worships, that besides the
many nautical uses of long noses enume-
rated by Erasmus, the dialogist affirmeth
that a long nose is not without its domes-
tic conveniences also, for that in a case
of distress, -- and for want of a pair of bel-
lows, it will do excellently well,ad excitan-
dum focum,
(to stir up the fire.)

[ 173 ]

  Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to
my father beyond measure, and had sown
the seeds of verbal criticism as deep with-
in him, as she had done the seeds of all
other knowledge, -- so that he had got out
his penknife, and was trying experiments
upon the sentence, to see if he could not
scratch some better sense into it. -- I've got
within a single letter, brother Toby, cried
my father, of Erasmus his mystic mean-
ing. -- You are near enough, brother, re-
plied my uncle, in all conscience. ------
Pshaw ! cried my father, scratching on, --
I might as well be seven miles off. -- I've
done it, ---- said my father, snapping his
fingers. -- See, my dear brother Toby, how
I have mended the sense. -- But you have
marr'd a word, replied my uncle Toby. --
My father put on his spectacles, -- bit his
lip, -- and tore out the leaf in a passion.

                          C H A P.

[ 174 ]


O Slawkenbergius ! thou faithful ana-
lyzer of my Disgrázias, ---- thou
sad foreteller of so many of the whips and
short turns, which in one stage or other
of my life have come slap upon me from
the shortness of my nose, and no other
cause, that I am conscious of. ---- Tell
me, Slawkenbergius ! what secret impulse
was it ? what intonation of voice ? whence
came it ? how did it sound in thy ears ? --
art thou sure thou heard'st it ? -- which
first cried out to thee, -- go, -- go, Slaw-
kenbergius !
dedicate the labours of thy
life, -- neglect thy pastimes, -- call forth
all the powers and faculties of thy nature,
---- macerate thyself in the service of
mankind, and write a grand FOLIO for
them, upon the subject of their noses.

[ 175 ]

  How the communication was conveyed
into Slawkenbergius's sensorium, ---- so
that Slawkenbergius should know whose
finger touch'd the key, ---- and whose
hand it was that blew the bellows, ----
as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and
laid in his grave above fourscore and ten
years, ---- we can only raise conjectures.

  Slawkenbergius was play'd upon, for
aught I know, like one of Whitfield's
disciples, ---- that is, with such a distinct
intelligence, Sir, of which of the two
masters it was, that had been practising
upon his instrument, ---- as to make all
reasoning upon it needless.

  ---- For in the account which Hafen
gives the world of his mo-
tives and occasions for writing, and
spending so many years of his life upon

[ 176 ]

this one work -- towards the end of his
prolegomena, which by the bye should
have come first, ---- but the bookbinder
has most injudiciously placed it betwixt
the analitical contents of the book, and
the book itself, ---- he informs his reader,
that ever since he had arrived at the age
of discernment, and was able to sit down
coolly, and consider within himself the
true state and condition of man, and dis-
tinguish the main end and design of his
being ; ---- or, ---- to shorten my trans-
lation, for Slawkenbergius's book is in
Latin, and not a little prolix in this pas-
sage, ---- ever since I understood, quoth
Slawkenbergius, any thing, ---- or rather
what was what, --- and could perceive
that the point of long noses had been too
loosely handled by all who had gone be-
fore ; ---- have I, Slawkenbergius, felt a
strong impulse, with a mighty and an un-

[ 177 ]

resistible call within me, to gird up my-
self to this undertaking.

  And to do justice to Slawkenbergius, he
has entered the list with a stronger lance,
and taken a much larger career in it, than
any one man who had ever entered it
before him, ---- and indeed, in many re-
spects, deserves to be en-nich'd as a proto-
type for all writers, of voluminous works
at least, to model their books by, ---- for
he has taken in, Sir, the whole subject, --
examined every part of it, dialectically, --
then brought it into full day ; dilucidat-
ing it with all the light which either the
collision of his own natural parts could
strike, --- or the profoundest knowledge
of the sciences had impowered him to
cast upon it, ---- collating, collecting and
compiling, -- begging, borrowing, and
stealing, as he went along, all that had
             3              been

[ 178 ]

been wrote or wrangled thereupon in the
schools and porticos of the learned : so that
Slawkenbergius his book may properly be
considered, not only as a model, -- but as
a thorough-stitch'd DIGEST and regular
institute of noses ; comprehending in it, all
that is, or can be needful to be known
about them.

  For this cause it is, that I forbear to
speak of so many ( otherwise ) valuable
books and treatises of my father's collect-
ing, wrote either, plump upon noses, --
or collaterally touching them ; ---- such
for instance as Prignitz, now lying upon
the table before me, who with infinite
learning, and from the most candid and
scholar-like examination of above four
thousand different skulls, in upwards of
twenty charnel houses in Silesia, which he
had rummaged, -- has informed us, that

[ 179 ]

the mensuration and configuration of the
osseous or boney parts of human noses,in
any given tract of country, except Crim
, where they are all crush'd down
by the thumb, so that no judgment can be
formed upon them, ---- are much nearer
alike, than the world imagines ; ---- the
difference amongst them, being, he says,
a mere trifle, not worth taking notice of,
---- but that the size and jollity of every
individual nose, and by which one nose
ranks above another, and bears a higher
price, is owing to the cartilagenous and
muscular parts of it, into whose ducts and
sinuses the blood and animal spirits being
impell'd, and driven by the warmth and
force of the imagination, which is but a
step from it, (bating the case of ideots,
whom Prignitz, who had lived many
years in Turky, supposes under the more
immediate tutelage of heaven) ---- it so
  VOL.        M            hap-