[ 20 ]

fit of laughter, on seeing a cardinal make
water like a quirister (with both hands)
thou brakest a vessel in thy lungs, where-
by, in two hours, thou lost as many
quarts of blood ; and hadst thou lost as
much more, did not the faculty tell thee
------ it would have amounted to a
gallon? ------


  ----But for heaven's sake, let us not
talk of quarts or gallons ---- let us take
the story straight before us ; it is so nice
and intricate a one, it will scarce bear
the transposition of a single tittle ; and
some how or other, you have got me
thrust almost into the middle of it --

  -- I beg we may take more care.

                          C H A P.

[ 21 ]


MY uncle Toby and the corporal
had posted down with so much
heat and precipitation, to take possession
of the spot of ground we have so often
spoke of, in order to open their cam-
paign as early as the rest of the allies ; that
they had forgot one of the most neces-
sary articles of the whole affair ; it was
neither a pioneer's spade, a pick-ax, or a
shovel --

  -- It was a bed to lie on : so that as
Shandy Hall was at that time unfurnish-
ed ; and the little inn where poor Le
Fever died, not yet built ; my uncle
Toby was constrained to accept of a bed
at Mrs. Wadman's, for a night or two,
             C 3              till

[ 23 ]

till Corporal Trim (who to the cha-
racter of an excellent valet, groom, cook,
sempster, surgeon and engineer, super-
added that of an excellent upholsterer
too) with the help of a carpenter and a
couple of tailors, constructed one in my
uncle Toby's house.

  A daughter of Eve, for such was wi-
dow Wadman, and 'tis all the character
I intend to give of her --

  -- ``That she was a perfect woman ;''

had better be fifty leagues off -- or in her
warm bed -- or playing with a case-knife
-- or any thing you please -- than make a
man the object of her attention, when
the house and all the furniture is her

             8              There

[ 23 ]

  There is nothing in it out of doors
and in broad day-light, where a woman
has a power, physically speaking, of
viewing a man in more lights than one --
but here, for her soul, she can see him in
no light without mixing something of
her own goods and chattels along with
him ---- till by reiterated acts of such
combinations, he gets foisted into her in-
ventory ----

  -- And then good night.

  But this is not matter of SYSTEM ; for
I have delivered that above ---- nor is it
matter of BREVIARY ---- for I make no
man's creed but my own ---- nor matter
of FACT ---- at least that I know of ;
but 'tis matter copulative and introduc-
tory to what follows.

             C 4              C H A P.

[ 24 ]

C H A P. IX.

I Do not speak it with regard to the
coarseness or cleanness of them -- or
the strength of their gussets ---- but pray
do not night-shifts differ from day-shifts
as much in this particular, as in any
thing else in the world ; That they so far
exceed the others in length, that when
you are laid down in them, they fall al-
most as much below the feet, as the day-
shifts fall short of them?

  Widow Wadman's night-shifts (as
was the mode I suppose in King Wil-
liam's and Queen Anne's reigns) were
cut however after this fashion ; and if the
fashion is changed (for in Italy they are
come to nothing) ---- so much the worse

[ 25 ]

for the public ; they were two Flemish
ells and a half in length ; so that allow-
ing a moderate woman two ells, she had
half an ell to spare, to do what she would

  Now from one little indulgence gain'd
after another, in the many bleak and de-
cemberly nights of a seven years widow-
hood, things had insensibly come to this
pass, and for the two last years had got
establish'd into one of the ordinances of
the bed-chamber -- That as soon as Mrs.
Wadman was put to bed, and had got her
legs stretched down to the bottom of it, of
which she always gave Bridget notice --
Bridget with all suitable decorum, having
first open'd the bed-clothes at the feet,
took hold of the half ell of cloath we
are speaking of, and having gently, and

[ 26 ]

with both her hands, drawn it down-
wards to its furthest extension, and then
contracted it again side long by four or
five even plaits, she took a large corking
pin out of her sleeve, and with the
point directed towards her, pin'd the
plaits all fast together a little above the
hem ; which done she tuck'd all in
tight at the feet, and wish'd her mistress
a good night.

  This was constant, and without any
other variation than this : that on shiv-
ering and tempestuous nights, when Brid-
get untuck'd the feet of the bed, &c.
to do this ---- she consulted no thermo-
meter but that of her own passions ;
and so performed it standing -- kneeling
-- or squatting, according to the different
degrees of faith, hope, and charity, she

[ 27 ]

was in, and bore towards her mistress
that night. In every other respect the
etiquette was sacred, and might have
vied with the most mechanical one of
the most inflexible bed-chamber in

  The first night, as soon as the cor-
poral had conducted myuncle Toby up
stairs, which was about ten ---- Mrs.
Wadman threw herself into her arm
chair, and crossing her left knee with
her right, which formed a resting-place
for her elbow, she reclin'd her cheek
upon the palm of her hand, and leaning
forwards, ruminated till midnight upon
both sides of the question.

  The second night she went to her bu-
reau, and having ordered Bridget to

[ 28 ]

bring her up a couple of fresh candles
and leave them upon the table, she took
out her marriage settlement, and read it
over with great devotion : and the third
night (which was the last of my uncle
Toby's stay) when Bridget had pull'd
down the night-shift, and was assaying
to stick in the corking pin----

  ---- With a kick of both heels at
once, but at the same time the most
natural kick that could be kick'd in her
situation ---- for supposing * * * * * *
* * * to be the sun in its meridian, it
was a north-east kick ---- she kick'd the
pin out of her fingers ---- the etiquette
which hung upon it, down ---- down it
fell to the ground, and was shivered into
a thousand atoms.


[ 29 ]

  From all which it was plain that
widow Wadman was in love with my
uncle Toby.

C H A P. X.

MY uncle Toby's head at that
time was full of other matters,
so that it was not till the demolition of
Dunkirk, when all the other civilities of
Europe were settled, that he found lei-
sure to return this.

  This made an armistice (that is speak-
ing with regard to my uncle Toby --
but with respect to Mrs. Wadman, a
vacancy) -- of almost eleven years. But
in all cases of this nature, as it is the
second blow, happen at what distance of
             9              time

[ 30 ]

time it will, which makes the fray ----
I chuse for that reason to call these
the amours of my uncle Toby with
Mrs. Wadman, rather than the amours
of Mrs. Wadman with my uncle Toby.

  This is not a distinction without a

  It is not like the affair of an old hat
---- and a cock'd old hat, about
which your reverences have so often
been at odds with one another ---- but
there is a difference here in the nature of
things ----

  And let me tell you, gentry, a wide
one too.

                          C H A P.

[ 31 ]

C H A P. XI.

NOW as widow Wadman did love
my uncle Toby ---- and my uncle
Toby did not love widow Wadman,
there was nothing for widow Wadman
to do, but to go on and love my uncle
Toby ---- or let it alone.

  Widow Wadman would do neither
the one or the other ----

   ---- Gracious heaven! ---- but I for-
get I am a little of her temper myself ;
for whenever it so falls out, which it
sometimes does about the equinoxes, that
an earthly goddess is so much this, and
that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my

[ 32 ]

breakfast for her ---- and that she careth
not three halfpence whether I eat my
breakfast or no ----

  ---- Curse on her! and so I send her
to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra
del Fuogo
, and so on to the devil : in
short there is not an infernal nitch where
I do not take her divinityship and stick

  But as the heart is tender, and the
passions in these tides ebb and flow ten
times in a minute, I instantly bring her
back again ; and as I do all things in
extremes, I place her in the very centre
of the milky-way ----

  Brightest of stars! thou wilt shed thy
influence upon some one ------


[ 33 ]

  ----The duce take her and her influ-
ence too ---- for at that word I lose all
patience ---- much good may it do him!
----By all that is hirsute and gashly!
I cry, taking off my furr'd cap, and
twisting it round my finger ---- I would
not give sixpence for a dozen such!

  ---- But 'tis an excellent cap too (put-
ting it upon my head, and pressing it
close to my ears) -- and warm -- and soft ;
especially if you stroke it the right way --
but alas! that will never be my luck ----
(so here my philosophy is shipwreck'd

   ---- No ; I shall never have a finger
in the pie (so here I break my meta-
phor) ----

   VOL. VIII        D            Crust

[ 34 ]

  Crust and crumb
  Inside and out
  Top and bottom ---- I detest it, I hate
it, I repudiate it ---- I'm sick at the sight
of it ----

  'Tis all pepper,
           salt, and
           devil's dung ---- by the great
arch cook of cooks, who does nothing,
I think, from morning to night, but sit
down by the fire-side and invent inflam-
matory dishes for us, I would not touch
it for the world ----

  ---- O Tristram! Tristram! cried

                          O Jenny!

[ 35 ]

  O Jenny! Jenny! replied I, and so
went on with the twelfth chapter.


  ---- ``Not touch it for the world''
  did I say ----

  Lord, how I have heated my imagi-
nation with this metaphor!


WHICH shews, let your rever-
ences and worships say what you
will of it (for as for thinking ---- all
who do think -- think pretty much alike,
both upon it and other matters) ----
             D 2              LOVE

[ 36 ]

LOVE is certainly, at least alphabetically
speaking, one of the most

   A gitating
   B ewitching
   C onfounded
   D evilish affairs of life ---- the most
   E xtravagant
   F utilitous
   G alligaskinish
   H andy-dandyish
   I racundulous (there is no K to it) and
   L yrical of all human passions : at
         the same time, the most
   M isgiving
   N innyhammering
   O bstipating
   P ragmatical
   S tridulous
   R idiculous ---- though by the bye the

[ 37 ]

R should have gone first -- But in short
'tis of such a nature, as my father once
told my uncle Toby upon the close of a
long dissertation upon the subject ----
``You can scarce,'' said he, ``combine
``two ideas together upon it, brother
``Toby, without an hypallage'' ----
What's that? cried my uncle Toby.

  The cart before the horse, replied my
father ----

  ---- And what has he to do there?
cried my uncle Toby ----

  Nothing, quoth my father, but to get
in ---- or let it alone.

  Now widow Wadman, as I told you
before, would do neither the one or the
             D 3              She

[ 38 ]

She stood however ready harnessed and
caparisoned a tall points to watch ac-


THE Fates, who certainly all fore-
knew of these amours of widow
Wadman and my uncle Toby, had,
from the first creation of matter and
motion (and with more courtesy than
they usually do things of this kind)
established such a chain of causes and
effects hanging so fast to one another,
that it was scarce possible for my uncle
Toby to have dwelt in any other house
in the world, or to have occupied any
other garden in Christendom, but the
very house and garden which join'd and

[ 39 ]

laid parallel to Mrs. Wadman's ; this,
with the advantage of a thickset arbour
in Mrs. Wadman's garden, but planted
in the hedge-row of my uncle Toby's,
put all the occasions into her hands
which Love-militancy wanted ; she could
observe my uncle Toby's motions, and
was mistress likewise of his councils of
war ; and as his unsuspecting heart had
given leave to the corporal, through the
mediation of Bridget, to make her a
wicker gate of communication to enlarge
her walks, it enabled her to carry on
her approaches to the very door of the
sentry-box ; and sometimes out of grati-
tude, to make the attack, and endeavour
to blow my uncle Toby up in the very
sentry-box itself.

             D 4              C H A P.