[ 80 ]


WE are ruin'd and undone, my
child, said the abbess to Mar-
garita ---- we shall be here all night ----
we shall be plunder'd ---- we shall be ra-
vish'd ----

  ---- We shall be ravish'd, said Mar-
garita, as sure as a gun.

  Sancta Maria! cried the abbess (for-
getting the O!) -- why was I govern'd by
this wicked stiff joint? why did I leave
the convent of Andoüillets? and why
didst thou not suffer thy servant to go
unpolluted to her tomb?

  O my finger! my finger! cried the
novice, catching fire at the word servant
             3              --why

[ 81 ]

-- why was I not content to put it here,
or there, any where rather than be in this

  ---- Strait! said the abbess.

  Strait ---- said the novice ; for terrour
had struck their understandings ---- the
one knew not what she said ---- the other
what she answered.

  O my virginity! virginity! cried the

  ----inity! ----inity! said the novice,

   VOL. VII.        G            C H A P.

[ 82 ]


MY dear mother, quoth the novice,
coming a little to herself, ----
there are two certain words, which I have
been told will force any horse, or ass, or
mule, to go up a hill whether he will
or no ; be he never so obstinate or ill-will'd,
the moment he hears them utter'd, he
obeys. They are words magic! cried
the abbess, in the utmost horror -- No ;
replied Margarita calmly -- but they are
words sinful -- What are they? quoth the
abbess, interrupting her : They are sinful
in the first degree, answered Margarita,
-- they are mortal -- and if we are ravish'd
and die unabsolved of them, we shall
both ---- but you may pronounce them

[ 83 ]

to me, quoth the abbess of Andoüillets
---- They cannot, my dear mother, said
the novice, be pronounced at all ; they
will make all the blood in one's body fly
up into one's face ---- But you may whis-
per them in my ear, quoth the abbess.

  Heaven! hadst thou no guardian an-
gel to delegate to the inn at the bottom
of the hill? was there no generous and
friendly spirit unemploy'd ---- no agent
in nature, by some monitory shivering,
creeping along the artery which led to
his heart, to rouse the muleteer from
his banquet? ---- no sweet minstrelsy to
bring back the fair idea of the abbess
and Margarita, with their black rosaries!

  Rouse! rouse! ---- but 'tis too late --
the horrid words are pronounced this
moment ----
             G 2              ---- and

[ 84 ]

  ---- and how to tell them -- Ye, who
can speak of every thing existing, with
unpolluted lips ---- instruct me ---- guide
me ----


ALL sins whatever, quoth the abbess,
turning casuist in the distress they
were under, are held by the confessor of
our convent to be either mortal or venial :
there is no further division. Now a venial
sin being the slightest and least of all sins,
-- being halved -- by taking, either only
the half of it, and leaving the rest -- or,
by taking it all, and amicably halving it
betwixt yourself and another person -- in
course becomes diluted into no sin at all.


[ 85 ]

  Now I see no sin in saying, bou, bou,
bou, bou, bou,
a hundred times together ;
nor is there any turpitude in pronouncing
the syllable ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, were
it from our matins to our vespers : There-
fore, my dear daughter, continued the
abbess of Andoüillets -- I will say bou,
and thou shalt say ger ; and then alter-
nately, as there is no more sin in fou than
in bou -- Thou shalt say fou -- and I will
come in (like fa, sol, la, re, mi, ut, at
our complines) with ter. And accord-
ingly the abbess, giving the pitch note,
set off thus :

Abbess, } Bou - - bou - - bou - -
Margarita, ---- ger, - - ger, - - ger

Margarita, } Fou - - fou - - fou - -
Abbess, ---- ter, - - ter, - - ter.
             G 3              The

[ 86 ]

  The two mules acknowledged the notes
by a mutual lash of their tails ; but it
went no further. ---- 'Twill answer by an'
by, said the novice.

Abbess, } Bou- bou- bou- bou- bou- bou-
Margarita, ---- ger, ger, ger, ger, ger, ger.

  Quicker still, cried Margarita.

  Fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou, fou.

  Quicker still, cried Margarita.

Bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou.

  Quicker still -- God preserve me! said
the abbess -- They do not understand us,
cried Margarita -- But the Devil does,
said the abbess of Andoüillets.

                          C H A P.

[ 87 ]


WHAT a tract of country have I
run! -- how many degrees nearer
to the warm sun am I advanced, and how
many fair and goodly cities have I seen,
during the time you have been reading,
and reflecting, Madam, upon this story!
the capital of Burgundy, and CHALLON,
and Mâcon the capital of Mâconese,
and a score more upon the road to
LYONS ---- and now I have run them
over ---- I might as well talk to you of
so many market-towns in the moon, as
tell you one word about them : it will be
this chapter at the least, if not both this
             G 4              and

[ 88 ]

and the next entirely lost, do what I
will ----

  -- Why, 'tis a strange story! Tristram.

               ------ Alas! Madam,
had it been upon some melancholy lec-
ture of the cross -- the peace of meekness,
or the contentment of resignation ---- I
had not been incommoded : or had I
thought of writing it upon the purer ab-
stractions of the soul, and that food of
wisdom, and holiness, and contemplation,
upon which the spirit of man (when se-
parated from the body) is to subsist for
ever ---- You would have come with a
better appetite from it ----

  ---- I wish I never had wrote it : but
as I never blot any thing out ---- let us

[ 89 ]

use some honest means to get it out of
our heads directly.

  ---- Pray reach me my fool's cap ----
I fear you sit upon it, Madam ---- 'tis
under the cushion ---- I'll put it on ----

  Bless me! you have had it upon your
head this half hour. ---- There then let
it stay, with a

   Fa-ra diddle di
   and a fa-ri diddle d
   and a high-dum -- dye-dum
      fiddle - - - dumb - c.

And now, Madam, we may venture, I
hope, a little to go on.

                          C H A P.

[ 90 ]


  ---- All you need say of Fontain-
(in case you are ask'd) is, that it
stands about forty miles (south something)
from Paris, in the middle of a large
forest ---- That there is something great
in it ---- That the king goes there once,
every two or three years, with his whole
court, for the pleasure of the chase -- and
that during that carnival of sporting, any
English gentleman of fashion (you need
not forget yourself) may be accommodat-
ed with a nag or two, to partake of the
sport, taking care only not to out-gal-
lop the king ----

  Though there are two reasons why
you need not talk loud of this to every

[ 91 ]

  First, Because 'twill make the said
nags the harder to be got ; and

  Secondly, 'Tis not a word of it true.
---- Allons!

  As for SENS ---- you may dispatch it
in a word ------ ``'Tis an archiepiscopal

  ---- For JOIGNY -- the less, I think,
one says of it, the better.

  But for AUXERRE -- I could go on for
ever : for in my grand tour through Eu-
rope, in which, after all, my father (not
caring to trust me with any one) attended
me himself, with my uncle Toby, and
Trim, and Obadiah, and indeed most of
the family, except my mother, who being

[ 92 ]

taken up with a project of knitting my
father a pair of large worsted breeches --
(the thing is common sense) -- and she not
caring to be put out of her way, she staid
at home at SHANDY HALL, to keep
things right during the expedition ; in
which, I say, my father stopping us two
days at Auxerre, and his researches being
ever of such a nature, that they would
have found fruit even in a desert ---- he
has left me enough to say upon AUX-
: in short, wherever my father
went ---- but 'twas more remarkably
so, in this journey through France and
Italy, than in any other stages of his
life ---- his road seemed to lie so much on
one side of that, wherein all other tra-
vellers had gone before him -- he saw
kings and courts and silks of all colours,

[ 93 ]

in such strange lights ---- and his remarks
and reasonings upon the characters, the
manners and customs of the countries
we pass'd over, were so opposite to those
of all other mortal men, particularly
those of my uncle Toby and Trim --
(to say nothing of myself) -- and to crown
all -- the occurrences and scrapes which
we were perpetually meeting and getting
into, in consequence of his systems and
opiniatry -- they were of so odd, so mix-
ed and tragicomical a contexture -- That
the whole put together, it appears of so
different a shade and tint from any tour
of Europe which was ever executed --
That I will venture to pronounce -- the
fault must be mine and mine only -- if it
be not read by all travellers and travel
readers, till travelling is no more, -- or
which comes to the same point -- till the
             9              world

[ 94 ]

world, finally, takes it into it's head to
stand still. ----

  ---- But this rich bale is not to be
opened now ; except a small thread or
two of it, merely to unravel the mystery
of my father's stay at AUXERRE.

  ---- As I have mentioned it -- 'tis too
slight to be kept suspended ; and when
'tis wove in, there's an end of it.

  We'll go, brother Toby, said my fa-
ther, whilst dinner is coddling -- to the
abbey of Saint Germain, if it be only to
see these bodies, of which monsieur Se-
quier has given such a recommendation.
---- I'll go see any body ; quoth my
uncle Toby ; for he was all compliance
thro' every step of the journey ---- De-
             1              fend

[ 95 ]

fend me! said my father -- they are all
mummies ---- Then one need not shave ;
quoth my uncle Toby ---- Shave! no --
cried my father -- 'twill be more like rela-
tions to go with our beards on -- So out
we sallied, the corporal lending his master
his arm, and bringing up the rear, to the
abby of Saint Germain.

  Everything is very fine, and very rich,
and very superb, and very magnificent,
said my father, addressing himself to the
sacristan, who was a young brother of
the order of Benedictines -- but our curi-
osity has led us to see the bodies, of
which monsieur Sequier has given the
world so exact a description. -- The sa-
cristan made a bow, and lighting a torch
first, which he had always in the vestry
ready for the purpose ; he led us into the

[ 96 ]

tomb of St. Heribald ---- This, said the
sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb,
was a renowned prince of the house of
Bavaria, who under the successive reigns
of Charlemagne, Louis lenDebonair,
and Charles the Bald, bore a great sway
in the government, and had a principal
hand in bringing every thing into order
and discipline ----

  Then he has been as great, said my
uncle, in the field as in the cabinet ----
I dare say he has been a gallant soldier
---- He was a monk -- said the sacristan.

  My uncle Toby and Trim sought
comfort in each others faces -- but found
it not : my father clapp'd both his hands
upon his cod-piece, which was a way he
had when any thing hugely tickled

[ 97 ]

him ; for though he hated a monk and
the very smell of a monk worse than all
the devils in hell ---- Yet the shot hitting
my uncle Toby and Trim so much
harder than him, 'twas a relative triumph ;
and put him into the gayest humour in
the world.

  ---- And pray what do you call this
gentleman? quoth my father, rather
sportingly : This tomb, said the young
Benedictine, looking downwards, con-
tains the bones of Saint MAXIMA, who
came from Ravenna on purpose to touch
the body ------

  ---- Of Saint MAXIMUS, said my fa-
ther, popping in with his saint before him
-- they were two of the greatest saints in
the whole martyrology, added my father
   VOL. VII.        H          ---- Excuse

[ 98 ]

---- Excuse me, said the sacristan ----
---- 'twas to touch the bones of Saint
Germain the builder of the abby ----
And what did she get by it? said my uncle
Toby ---- What does any woman get by
it? said my father ---- MARTYRDOM ;
replied the young Benedictine, making a
bow down to the ground, and uttering
the word with so humble, but decisive a
cadence, it disarmed my father for a mo-
ment. 'Tis supposed, continued the Bene-
dictine, that St. Maxima has lain in this
tomb four hundred years, and two hun-
dred before her canonization ---- 'Tis but
a slow rise, brother Toby, quoth my
father, in this self same army of martyrs.
---- A desperate slow one, an' please
your honour, said Trim, unless one could
purchase ---- I should rather sell out en-

[ 99 ]

tirely, quoth my uncleToby ---- I am
pretty much of your opinion, brother
Toby, said my father.

  ---- Poor St. Maxima! said my
uncle Toby low to himself, as we turn'd
from her tomb : She was one of the
fairest and most beautiful ladies either of
Italy or France, continued the sacristan
---- But who the duce has got lain down
here, besides her, quoth my father, point-
ing with his cane to a large tomb as we
walked on ---- It is St. Optat, Sir, an-
swered the sacristan ---- And properly is
Saint Optat plac'd! said my father : And
what is Saint Optat's story? continued
he. Saint Optat, replied the sacristan,
was a bishop ----

             H 2              ---- I