[ 60 ]

much as the dirtier the fellow is, the
better generally he succeeds in it.

  To this, I have no other answer ----
at least ready ---- but that the Arch-
bishop of Benevento wrote his nasty Ro-
mance of the Galatea, as all the world
knows, in a purple coat, waistcoat, and
purple pair of breeches ; and that the
penance set him of writing a commen-
tary upon the book of the Revelations,
as severe as it was look'd upon by one
part of the world, was far from being
deem'd so, by the other, upon the single
account of that Investment.

  Another objection to all this remedy,
is its want of universality ; forasmuch as
the shaving part of it, upon which so

[ 61 ]

much stress is laid, by an unalterable law
of nature excludes one half of the spe-
cies entirely from its use : all I can say is,
that female writers, whether of England,
or of France, must e'en go without
it ------

  As for the Spanish ladies ---- I am in
no sort of distress ----

                          C H A P.

[ 62 ]

C H A P. XV.

THE fifteenth chapter is come at
last ; and brings nothing with it
but a sad signature of ``How our plea-
`` sures slip from under us in this world;''

  For in talking of my digression ----
I declare before heaven I have made it!
What a strange creature is mortal man!
said she.

  'Tis very true, said I ---- but 'twere
better to get all these things out of our
heads, and return to my uncle Toby.

                          C H A P.

[ 63 ]


WHEN my uncle Toby and the
Corporal had marched down to
the bottom of the avenue, they recollect-
ed their business lay the other way ; so
they faced about and marched up streight
to Mrs. Wadman's door.

  I warrant your honour, said the Cor-
poral, touching his Montero-cap with
his hand, as he passed him in order to
give a knock at the door ---- My uncle
Toby, contrary to his invariable way of
treating his faithful servant, said nothing
good or bad : the truth was, he had not
altogether marshall'd his ideas ; he wish'd
for another conference, and as the Cor-

[ 64 ]

poral was mounting up the three steps
before the door -- he hem'd twice -- a
portion of my uncle Toby's most modest
spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards
the Corporal ; he stood with the rapper
of the door suspended for a full minute
in his hand, he scarce knew why.
Bridget stood perdue within, with her
finger and her thumb upon the latch,
benumb'd with expectation ; and Mrs.
Wadman, with an eye ready to be de-
flowered again sat breathless behind the
window curtain of her bed-chamber,
watching their approach.

  Trim! said my uncle Toby ---- but
as he articulated the word, the minute
expired, and Trim let fall the rapper.


[ 65 ]

  My uncle Toby, perceiving that all
hopes of a conference were knock'd on
the head by it ------ whistled Lilla-

  VOL. IX.        F            C H A P.

[ 66 ]


AS Mrs. Bridget's finger and thumb
were upon the latch, the Corporal
did not knock as oft as perchance your
honour's taylor ---- I might have taken
my example something nearer home ; for
I owe mine some five and twenty pounds
at least, and wonder at the man's pa-
tience ----

  ---- But this is nothing at all to the
world : only 'tis a cursed thing to be in
debt ; and there seems to be a fatality in
the exchequers of some poor princes,
particularly those of our house, which
no Economy can bind down in irons :
for my own part, I'm persuaded there is

[ 67 ]

not any one prince, prelate, pope, or po-
tentate, great or small, upon earth, more
desirous in his heart of keeping streight
with the world than I am ---- or who
takes more likely means for it. I never
give above half a guinea ---- or walk
with boots ---- or cheapen tooth-picks
---- or lay out a shilling upon a band-
box the year round ; and for the six
months I'm in the country, I'm upon so
small a scale that with all the good
temper in the world, I out-do
Rousseau, a bar length ------ for I
keep neither man or boy, or horse, or
cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that
can eat or drink, except a thin poor
piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in) and
who has generally as bad an appetite as
myself ---- but if you think this makes
             F 2              a phi-

[ 68 ]

a philosopher of me ---- I would not,
my good people! give a rush for your

  True philosophy ------ but there is
no treating the subject whilst my uncle
is whistling Lillabullero.

  ---- Let us go into the house.

                          C H A P.

[ 69 ]


             F 3              C H A P.

[ 70 ]


                          C H A P.

[ 71 ]

C H A P. XX.

  ------   *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *

 *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  * ------

  ---- You shall see the very place,
Madam, said my uncle Toby.

  Mrs. Wadman blush'd ---- look'd
towards the door ---- turn'd pale ----
blush'd slightly again ---- recovered her
natural colour ---- blush'd worse than
ever ; which for the sake of the unlearned
reader, I translate thus ----
             F 4              ``L--d!

[ 72 ]

  `` L--d! I cannot look at it ----
`` What would the world say if I look'd
   `` at it?

`` I should drop down, if I look'd at it --
`` I wish I could look at it ----
`` There can be no sin in looking at it.
  ---- ``I will look at it.''

  Whilst all this was running through
Mrs. Wadman's imagination, my uncle
Toby had risen from the sopha, and got
to the other side of the parlour-door, to
give Trim an order about it in the
passage ----

  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  * ---- I believe it is in the gar-
ret, said my uncle Toby ---- I saw it
there an' please your honour, this morn-
ing, answered Trim ---- Then prithee,
             3              step

[ 73 ]

step directly for it, Trim, said my uncle
Toby, and bring it into the parlour.

  The Corporal did not approve of the
orders, but most chearfully obey'd them.
The first was not an act of his will -- the
second was ; so he put on his Montero
cap, and went as fast as his lame knee
would let him. My uncle Toby re-
turned into the parlour, and sat him-
self down again upon the sopha.

  ---- You shall lay your finger upon
the place -- said my uncle Toby. ---- I
will not touch it, however, quoth Mrs.
Wadman to herself.

  This requires a second translation : --
it shews what little knowledge is got by
mere words -- we must go up to the first

[ 74 ]

  Now in order to clear up the mist
which hangs upon these three pages, I
must endeavour to be as clear as possible

  Rub your hands thrice across your
foreheads -- blow your noses -- cleanse your
emunctories -- sneeze, my good people!
---- God bless you ----

  Now give me all the help you can.

                          C H A P.

[ 75 ]


AS there are fifty different ends
(counting all ends in ---- as well
civil as religious) for which a woman
takes a husband, she first sets about and
carefully weighs, then separates and dis-
tinguishes in her mind which of all that
number of ends is hers : then by dis-
course, enquiry, argumentation, and in-
ference, she investigates and finds out
whether she has got hold of the right
one ---- and if she has ---- then, by pul-
ling it gently this way and that way, she
further forms a judgment, whether it will
not break in the drawing.

  The imagery under which Slawkenber-
gius impresses this upon his reader's fancy,

[ 76 ]

in the beginning of his third Decad, is
so ludicrous that the honour I bear the
sex will not suffer me to quote it ----
otherwise 'tis not destitute of humour.

  `` She first, saith Slawkenbergius,
stops the asse and holding his halter in
her left hand (lest he should get away)
she thrusts her right hand into the very
bottom of his pannier to search for it --
For what? -- you'll not know the sooner,
quoth Slawkenbergius, for interrupting
me'' ----

  `` I have nothing, good Lady, but
`` empty bottles,'' says the asse.

  ``I'm loaded with tripes,'' says the

  ---- And thou art little better, quoth
she to the third ; for nothing is there in

[ 77 ]

thy panniers but trunk hose and pan-
tofles -- and so to the fourth and fifth, go-
ing on one by one through the whole
string, till coming to the asse which car-
ries it, she turns the pannier upside down,
looks at it -- considers it -- samples it --
measures it -- stretches it -- wets it -- dries
it -- then takes her teeth both to the warp
and weft of it ----

  ---- Of what? for the love of Christ!

  I am determined, answered Slawkenber-
gius, that all the powers upon earth shall
never wring that secret from my breast.

                          C H A P.

[ 78 ]


WE live in a world beset on all
sides with mysteries and riddles --
and so 'tis no matter ---- else it seems
strange that Nature, who makes every
thing so well to answer its destination,
and seldom or never errs, unless for pas-
time, in giving such forms and aptitudes
to whatever passes through her hands,
that whether she designs for the plough,
the caravan, the cart -- or whatever other
creature she models, be it but an asse's
foal, you are sure to have the thing you
wanted ; and yet at the same time should
so eternally bungle it as she does, in
making so simple a thing as a married


[ 79 ]

  Whether it is in the choice of the
clay ---- or that it is frequently spoiled in
the baking ; by an excess of which a
husband may turn out too crusty (you
know) on one hand ---- or not enough
so, through defect of heat, on the other
---- or whether this great Artificer is not
so attentive to the little Platonic exigen-
ces of that part of the species for whose
use she is fabricating this ---- or that her
Ladyship sometimes scarce knows what
sort of a husband will do ---- I know
not : we will discourse about it after sup-

  It is enough that neither the observa-
tion itself, or the reasoning upon it, are
at all to the purpose ---- but rather
against it ; since with regard to my uncle