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THERE will be just time, whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my father's, to inform you, that Mrs. Wadman had, some moons before this, made a confidant of my mo- ther ; and that Mrs. Bridget, who had the burden of her own, as well as her mistress's secret to carry, had got hap- pily delivered of both to Susannah be- hind the garden-wall. As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle about ---- but Susannah was sufficient by her- self for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a fa- K 4 mily |
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mily secret ; for she instantly imparted it by signs to Jonathan ---- and Jonathan by tokens to the cook, as she was bast- ing a loin of mutton ; the cook sold it with some kitchen fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck'd it with the dairy maid for something of about the same value ---- and though whisper'd in the hay-loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen trumpet and sounded them upon the house-top -- In a word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle Toby's siege, and what were the secret articles which had delay'd the surrender. ---- My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by |
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by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he did ---- had but just heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out ; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to Yorick, notwithstand- ing my mother was sitting by ---- not only, ``That the devil was in women `` and that the whole of the affair was `` lust ;'' but that every evil and disor- der in the world, of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of Adam, down to my uncle Toby's (inclusive) was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite. Yorick was just bringing my father's hypothesis to some temper, when my un- cle Toby entering the room with marks of |
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of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father's eloquence re- kindled against the passion ---- and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth ---- as soon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner. C H A P. |
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---- THAT provision should be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a Being as man -- I am far from denying -- but philosophy speaks freely of every thing ; and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and opera- tions of the soul backwards ---- a passion, my dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four- footed beasts than men. 2 I know |
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I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the Prolepsis) that in itself, and simply taken ---- like hunger, or thirst, or sleep ---- 'tis an af- fair neither good or bad--or shameful or otherwise. ---- Why then did the delicacy of Diogenes and Plato so recalcitrate against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that all the parts thereof -- the congredi- ents -- the preparations -- the instruments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever? ---- The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father, raising his voice -- and turning to my uncle Toby -- you |
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you see, is glorious -- and the weapons by which we do it are honourable ---- We march with them upon our shoulders ---- We strut with them by our sides ---- We gild them ---- We carve them ---- We in-lay them ---- We enrich them ---- Nay, if it be but a scoundril cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breech of it. -- ---- My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithet ---- and Yorick was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces ---- ---- When Obadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hear- ing. The case was this : My |
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My father, whether by ancient cus- tom of the manor, or as impropriator of the great tithes, was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led his cow upon a pop- visit to him one day or other the pre- ceding summer ---- I say, one day or other -- because as chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my father's house-maid ---- so one was a reckoning to the other. There- fore when Obadiah's wife was brought to bed -- Obadiah thanked God ---- ---- Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a calf: so Obadiah went daily to visit his cow. She'll |
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She'll calve on Monday -- on Tuesday -- or Wednesday at the farthest ---- The cow did not calve ---- no -- she'll not calve till next week ---- the cow put it off terribly ---- till at the end of the sixth week Obadiah's suspicions (like a good man's) fell upon the Bull. Now the parish being very large, my father's Bull, to speak the truth of him, was no way equal to the department ; he had, however, got himself, somehow or other, thrust into employment -- and as he went through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him. ---- Most |
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---- Most of the townsmen, an' please your worship, quoth Obadiah, be- lieve that 'tis all the Bull's fault ---- ---- But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor Slop. It never happens, said Dr. Slop, but the man's wife may have come before her time naturally enough ---- Prithee has the child hair upon his head? -- ad- ded Dr. Slop ---- ---- It is as hairy as I am, said Oba- diah. ---- Obadiah had not been shaved for three weeks ---- Wheu - - u - - - - u - - - - - - - - cried my father ; begin- ning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle |
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whistle ---- and so, brother Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever p-ss'd, and might have done for Europa herself in purer times ---- had he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons and lost his character ---- which to a Town Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing as his life ------ L--d! said my mother, what is all this story about? ---- A C O C K and a B U L L, said Yorick ---- And one of the best of its kind, I ever heard. |