[ 36 ]

Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernul-
fum Episcopum.


E X C O M M U N I C A T I O.

EX auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Pa-
tris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et
sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et inte-
meratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ,

  As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sor-
upon the question of baptism, was doubted
by some, and denied by others, ---- 'twas thought
proper to print the original of this excommunica-
tion ; for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns
thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter
of Rochester.

[ 37 ]

C H A P. XI.

``BY the authority of God Almighty,
`` the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
``and of the holy canons, and of the un-
``defiled Virgin Mary, mother and patro-
``ness of our Saviour.'' I think there is
no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the
paper down to his knee, and addressing
himself to my father, ---- as you have read
it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud; --
and as Captain Shandy seems to have no
great inclination to hear it, ---- I may as
well read it to myself. That's contrary to
treaty, replied my father, -- besides, there
is something so whimsical, especially in
the latter part of it, I should grieve to
lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr.
Slop did not altogether like it, -- but my
uncle Toby offering at that instant to give
             C 3              over

[ 38 ]

    ------ Atque omnium coelestium
virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum,
thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum,
cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum pa-
triarcharum, prophetarum, & omnium apo-
stolorum et evangelistarum, & sanctorum
innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli
[ 39 ]

over whistling, and read it himself to
them ; ---- Dr. Slop thought he might as
well read it under the cover of my uncle
Toby's whistling, -- as suffer my uncle Toby
to read it alone; -- so raising up the paper
to his face, and holding it quite parallel
to it, in order to hide his chagrin, --
he read it aloud as follows, ---- my
uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though
not quite so loud as before.

  ``By the authority of God Almighty,
``the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
``of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother
``and patroness of our Saviour, and of
``all the celestial virtues, angels, arch-
``angels, thrones, dominions, powers,
``cherubins and seraphins, and of all the
``holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all
``the apostles and evangelists, and of the
``holy innocents, who in the sight of
             C 4              the

[ 40 ]

digni inventi sunt canticum cantare no-
vum, et sanctorum martyrum, et sanc-
torum confessorum, et sanctarum virgi-
num, atque omnium simul sanctorum et
electorum Dei, -- Excommunicamus, et

anathematizamus huncvel os furems, vel huncvel os

malefactorems, N. N. et a liminibus sanctæ
Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus ut æternis

suppliciis excruciandusvel i, mancipeturn, cum
Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixe-
runt Domino Deo, Recede à nobis, scien-
tiam viarum tuarum nolumus : et sicut
aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur

lucerna ejusvel eorum in secula seculorum nisi re-

sipuerit, et ad satisfactionem veneritn.
[ 41 ]

``the holy Lamb, are found worthy to
``sing the new song, of the holy martyrs
``and holy confessors, and of the holy
``virgins, and of all the saints together,
``with the holy and elect of God. ----
``May he,'' (Obadiah) ``be damn'd''
(for tying these knots.) ---- ``We ex-
``communicate, and anathematise him,
``and from the thresholds of the holy
``church of God Almighty we sequester
``him, that he may be tormented, dis-
``posed and delivered over with Dathan
``and Abiram, and with those who say
``unto the Lord God, Depart from us,
``we desire none of thy ways. And as
``fire is quenched with water, so let the
``light of him be put out for evermore,
``unless it shall repent him'' (Obadiah, of
the knots which he has tied) ``and make
``satisfaction'' (for them.) Amen.

[ 42 ]

  Maledicat illumos Deus Pater qui homi-

nem creavit. Maledicat illumos Dei Filius
qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat

illumos Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo ef-

fusus est. Maledicat illumos sancta crux,
quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem
triumphans, ascendit.

  Maledicat illumos sancta Dei genetrix et

perpetua Virgo Maria. Maledicat illumos
sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sa-

crarum. Maledicant illumos omnes angeli
et archangeli, principatus et potestates,
omnisque militia coelestis.

[ 43 ]

  ``May the Father who created man,
``curse him. -- May the Son who suffer-
``ed for us, curse him. -- May the Holy
``Ghost who was given to us in baptism,
``curse him (Obadiah.) -- May the holy
``cross which Christ for our salvation
``triumphing over his enemies, ascend-
``ed, -- curse him.

  ``May the holy and eternal Virgin
``Mary, mother of God, curse him. --
``May St. Michael the advocate of holy
``souls, curse him. -- May all the angels
``and archangels, principalities and
``powers, and all the heavenly armies,
``curse him.'' [Our armies swore ter-
ribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby, --
but nothing to this. -- For my own part,
I could not have a heart to curse my
dog so. ]

[ 44 ]

  Maledicat illumos patriarcharum et pro-
phetarum laudabilis numerus. Male-

dicat illumos sanctus Johannes præcursor
et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et
sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas,
omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cæteri
discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ,
qui sua prædicatione mundum universum

converterunt. Maledicat illumos cuneus
martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui
Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.

  Maledicant illumos sacrarum virginum
chori, quæ mundi vana causa honoris
Christi respuenda contempserunt. Male-

dicant illumos omnes sancti qui ab initio
mundi usque in finem seculi Deo dilecti
[ 45 ]

  ``May St. John the præ-cursor, and
``St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
``and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all
``other Christ's apostles, together curse
``him. And may the rest of his dis-
``ciples and four evangelists, who by
``their preaching converted the universal
``world, -- and may the holy and won-
``derful company of martyrs and con-
``fessors, who by their holy works are
``found pleasing to God Almighty,
``curse him (Obadiah.)

  ``May the holy choir of the holy vir-
``gins, who for the honour of Christ
``have despised the things of the world,
``damn him. -- May all the saints who
``from the beginning of the world to
``everlasting ages are found to be belov-
``ed of God, damn him. -- May the

[ 46 ]

  Maledicant illumos coeli et terra, et om-
nia sancta in eis manentia.

  Maledictus sitn ubicunque fueritn, sive
in domo, sive in agro, sive in viâ, sive in
semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive
in ecclesiâ.

  Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, --
----   ----   ----   ---   ----   ---
--   ----   ----   ----   ----   ----
----   ---   ----   ----   ----   ---
----   ----   ----   ---   ---   ----
---   ----   ----   ----   ----   ---
--   --   ----   --   --   ----   ---
----   ----   ----   ---   ----   ---
---   ----   ---   ----   ----   ----
manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, siti-
endo, jejunando, dormitando, dormiendo,
vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo,
[ 47 ]

``heavens and earth, and all the holy
``things remaining therein, damn him,''
(Obadiah) ``or her,'' (or whoever else
had a hand in tying these knots.)

  ``May he (Obadiah) be damn'd where-
``ever he be, -- whether in the house or
``the stables, the garden or the field, or
``the highway, or in the path, or in the
``wood, or in the water, or in the church.
`` -- May he be cursed in living, in dying.''
[Here my uncle Toby taking the advan-
tage of a minim in the second barr of his
tune, kept whistling one continual note
to the end of the sentence ---- Dr. Slop
with his division of curses moving under
him, like a running bass all the way.]

``May he be cursed in eating and drink-
``ing, in being hungry, in being thirsty,
``in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering,
``in walking, in standing, in sitting, in
             3              ``lying,

[ 48 ]

jacendo, operando, quiescendo, min-
gendo, cacando, flebotomando.

  Maledictusi sitn in totis viribus corporis.

  Maledictus sit intus et exterius.

  Maledictus sit in capillis ; maledictus
sit in cerebro. Maledictus sit in vertice,
in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in
superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis,
in naribus, in dentibus, mordacibus
sive molaribus, in labiis, in gutture,
in humeris, in harmis, in brachiis, in ma-
nibus, in digitis, in pectore, in corde,
[ 49 ]

``lying, in working, in resting, in pis-
``sing, in shitting, and in blood-letting.''

  ``May he (Obadiah) be cursed in all
``the faculties of his body.

   ``May he be cursed inwardly and out-
``wardly. -- May he be cursed in the
``hair of his head. -- May he be cursed
``in his brains, and in his vertex,'' (that
is a sad curse, quoth my father) ``in
``his temples, in his forehead, in his
``ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks,
``in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his
``foreteeth and grinders, in his lips, in
``his throat, in his shoulders, in his
``wrists, in his arms, in his hands,
``in his fingers.

  ``May he be damn'd in his mouth, in
  VOL. III.        D            ``his

[ 50 ]

et in omnibus interioribus stomacho te-
nus, in renibus, in inguinibus, in fe-
more, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genu-
bus, in cruribus, in pedibus, et in un-

  Maledictus sit in totis compagibus
membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad
plantam pedis ---- non sit in eo sanitas.

  Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei
vivi toto suæ majestatis imperio
[ 51 ]

``his breast, in his heart and purtenance,
``down to the very stomach.

  ``May he be cursed in his reins, and
``in his groin,'' (God in heaven forbid,
quoth my uncle Toby) -- ``in his thighs,
``in his genitals,'' (my father shook his
head) ``and in his hips, and in his knees,
``his legs, and feet, and toe-nails.

  ``May he be cursed in all the joints
``and articulations of his members, from
``the top of his head to the soal of his
``foot, may there be no soundness in

  ``May the Son of the living God,
``with all the glory of his Majesty'' --
[Here my uncle Toby throwing back his
head, gave a monstrous, long, loud
Whew -- w -- w ---- something betwixt
             D 2              the


[ 53 ]

the interjectional whistle of Hey day ! and
the word itself. ----

  -- By the golden beard of Jupiter -- and
of Juno, (if her majesty wore one), and by
the beards of the rest of your heathen
worships, which by the bye was no small
number, since what with the beards of
your celestial gods, and gods aerial and
aquatick, -- to say nothing of the beards
of town - gods and country - gods, or
of the celestial goddesses your wives, or
of the infernal goddesses your whores and
concubines, (that is in case they wore
'em) ---- all which beards, as Varro tells
me, upon his word and honour, when
mustered up together, made no less than
thirty thousand effective beards upon the
pagan establishment ; ---- every beard
of which claimed the rights and privi-
leges of being stroked and sworn by, --
             D 3              by

[ 54 ]

  ---- et insurgat adversus illum coelum
cum omnibus virtutibus quæ in eo mo-
ventur ad damnandum eum, nisi penituerit
et ad satisfactionem venerit. Amen.
Fiat, fiat. Amen.

[ 55 ]

by all these beards together then, ----
I vow and protest, that of the two bad
cassocks I am worth in the world, I would
have given the better of them, as freely
as ever Cid Ham et offered his, ---- only
to have stood by, and heard my uncle
Toby's accompanyment.]

  ---- `` Curse him,'' ---- continued
Dr. Slop, ---- ``and may heaven with
``all the powers which move therein,
``rise up against him, curse and damn
``him (Obadiah) unless he repent and
``make satisfaction. Amen. So be it,
`` -- so be it. Amen.''

  I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my
heart would not let me curse the devil
himself with so much bitterness. ---- He
is the father of curses, replied Dr. Slop.
---- So am not I, replied my uncle. ----
             D 4              But

[ 56 ]

But he is cursed, and damn'd already, to
all eternity, ---- replied Dr. Slop.

  I am sorry for it, quoth my uncle Toby.

  Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was
just beginning to return my uncle Toby
the compliment of his Whu -- u -- u ----
or interjectional whistle, ---- when the
door hastily opening in the next chap-
ter but one ---- put an end to the affair.


NOW don't let us give ourselves a
parcel of airs, and pretend that
the oaths we make free with in this land
of liberty of ours are our own ; and be-
cause we have the spirit to swear them,
---- imagine that we have had the wit to
invent them too.

[ 57 ]

  I'll undertake this moment to prove it
to any man in the world, except to a
connoisseur ; ---- though I declare I ob-
ject only to a connoisseur in swearing, --
as I would do to a connoisseur in paint-
ing, &c. &c. the whole set of 'em are so
hung round and befetish'd with the bobs
and trinkets of criticism, ---- or to drop
my metaphor, which by the bye is a pity,
---- for I have fetch'd it as far as from
the coast of Guinea ; ---- their heads, Sir,
are stuck so full of rules and compasses,
and have that eternal propensity to apply
them upon all occasions, that a work of
genius had better go to the devil at once,
than stand to be prick'd and tortured to
death by 'em.

  ---- And how did Garrick speak the
soliloquy last night ? -- Oh, against all rule,
my Lord, -- most ungrammatically ! be-

[ 58 ]

twixt the substantive and the adjective,
which should agree together in number,
case and gender, he made a breach thus, --
stopping, as if the point wanted settling ;
---- and betwixt the nominative case,
which your lordship knows should go-
vern the verb, he suspended his voice
in the epilogue a dozen times, three
seconds and three fifths by a stop-watch,
my Lord, each time. ------ Admirable
grammarian ! ------ But in suspending
his voice ---- was the sense suspended
likewise ? Did no expression of attitude or
countenance fill up the chasm ? -- Was
the eye silent ? Did you narrowly look ? --
I look'd only at the stop-watch, my Lord.
---- Excellent observer !
   And what of this new book the whole
world makes such a rout about ? -- Oh !
'tis out of all plumb, my Lord, ----
quite an irregular thing ! -- not one of
             3              the

[ 59 ]

the angles at the four corners was a right
angle. -- I had my rule and compasses,
&c. my Lord, in my pocket. ------
Excellent critic !

  -- And for the epick poem, your
lordship bid me look at ; -- upon tak-
ing the length, breadth, height, and
depth of it, and trying them at home
upon an exact scale of Bossu's, -- 'tis out,
my Lord, in every one of its dimensions.
------ Admirable connoisseur !

  -- And did you step in, to take a look
at the grand picture, in your way back? --
---- 'Tis a melancholy daub ! my Lord ;
not one principle of the pyramid in any
one group ! ---- and what a price! ----
for there is nothing of the colouring of
Titian, ---- the expression of Rubens, --
the grace of Raphael, ---- the purity of