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there is nothing more dishonest in an his- torian, than the use of one,) ---- in or- der to conceive the probability of this er- ror in my uncle Toby aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of Trim's, though much against my will. I say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out of its place here ; for by right it should come in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle Toby's amours with widow Wad- man, in which corporal Trim was no mean actor, -- or else in the middle of his and my uncle Toby's campaigns on the bowl- ing green, ---- for it will do very well in either place ; ---- but then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my story, -- I ruin the story I'm upon, -- and if I tell it here -- I anticipate matters, and ruin it there. What |
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-- What would your worships have me to do in this case ? -- Tell it, Mr. Shandy, by all means. ---- You are a fool, Tristram, if you do. O ye POWERS ! (for powers ye are, and great ones too) -- which enable mor- tal man to tell a story worth the hearing, -- that kindly shew him, where he is to begin it, -- and where he is to end it, -- what he is to put into it, -- and what he is to leave out, -- how much of it he is to cast into shade, -- and whereabouts he is to throw his light ! ---- Ye, who preside over this vast empire of biographical free- booters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into ; -- will you do one thing ? I beg and beseech you, (in case you will |
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will do nothing better for us) that where- ever, in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just here, -- that at least you set up a guide-post, in the center of them, in mere charity to di- rect an uncertain devil, which of the three he is to take. THO' the shock my uncle Toby re- ceived the year after the demoli- tion of Dunkirk, in his affair with widow Wadman, had fixed him in a resolution, never more to think of the sex, ---- or of aught which belonged to it ; -- yet corpo- ral Trim had made no such bargain with himself. Indeed in my uncle Toby's case there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances which in- sensibly |
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sensibly drew him in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel. ---- In Trim's case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen ; ---- though in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby em- ployed his time and genius in tagging of points, ---- I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure. When therefore my uncle Toby sat down before the mistress, -- corporal Trim in- continently took ground before the maid. Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have so much cause to esteem and ho- nour, -- (why, or wherefore, 'tis no mat- ter) -- can it escape your penetration, -- I defy it, -- that so many play-wrights, and opificers |
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opificers of chit chat have ever since been working upon Trim's and my uncle Toby's pattern. -- I care not what Aristotle, or Pacuvius, or Bossu, or Ricaboni say, -- (though I never read one of them) ---- there is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam Pompa- dour's vis a vis, than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly dou- bled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand drama. -- Sir, a sim- ple, single, silly affair of that kind, ---- is quite lost in five acts, ---- but that is neither here or there. After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my uncle To- by's quarter, a most minute account of every particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, ho- nest man ! found it necessary to draw off his |
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his forces, and raise the siege somewhat indignantly. Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain either with himself ---- or with any one else, ---- the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgust, ---- he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into a block- ade; ---- that is, he kept others off, -- for though he never after went to the house, yet he never met Bridget in the vil- lage, but he would either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at her, -- or (as circumstances directed), he would shake her by the hand, ---- or ask her lovingly how she did, ---- or would give her a rib- band, ---- and now and then, though ne- ver but when it could be done with de- corum, would give Bridget a ------ Pre- |
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Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years ; that is, from the demolition of Dunkirk in the year 13, to the latter end of my uncle Toby's cam- paign in the year 18, which was about six or seven weeks before the time I'm speak- ing of. -- When Trim, as his custom was, after he had put my uncle Toby to bed, going down one moon-shiny night to see that every thing was right at his fortifica- tions, ---- in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs and holly, -- he espied his Bridget. As the corporal thought there was no- thing in the world so well worth shewing as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made, Trim courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in : this was not done so private- ly, but that the foul-mouth'd trumpet of Fame |
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Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reached my father's, with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle Toby's curious draw-bridge, constructed and painted after the Dutch fashion, and which went quite across the ditch, -- was broke down, and some how or other crush'd all to pieces that very night. My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle Toby's hobby-horse, -- he thought it the most ri- diculous horse that ever gentleman mount- ed, and indeed unless my uncle Toby vexed him about it, could never think of it once, without smiling at it, ---- so that it never could get lame or happen any mischance, but it tickled my father's imagination beyond measure; but this being an accident much more to his hu- mour |
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mour than any one which had yet befall'n it, it proved an inexhaustible fund of en- tertainment to him. ---- Well, --- but dear Toby ! my father would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge happened. ---- How can you teaze me so much about it ? my uncle Toby would reply, -- I have told it you twenty times, word for word as Trim told it me. -- Pri- thee, how was it then, corporal ? my fa- ther would cry, turning to Trim. -- It was a mere misfortune, an' please your ho- nour, ---- I was shewing Mrs. Bridget our fortifications, and in going too near the edge of the fosse, I unfortunately slip'd in. ---- Very well, Trim ! my father would cry, -- (smiling mysteriously, and giving a nod, ---- but without inter- rupting him) ------ and being link'd fast, an' please your honour, arm in arm with Mrs. Bridget, I dragg'd her after 1 me, |
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me, by means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridge, ---- and Trim's foot, (my uncle Toby would cry, taking the story out of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge too. -- It was a thousand to one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow did not break his leg. -- Ay truly ! my father would say, ---- a limb is soon broke, brother Toby, in such encounters. ---- And so, an' please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces. At other times, but especially when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs or pe- tards, -- my father would exhaust all the stores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the VOL. III. I BAT- |
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BATTERING-RAMS ofthe ancients, -- the VINEAwhich Alexander made use of at the siege of Tyre. ---- He would tell my uncle Toby of the CATAPULTÆ of the Syrians which threw such monstrous stones so ma- ny hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation ; -- he would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the BALLISTA, which Mar- cellinus makes so much rout about, -- the terrible effects of the PYRABOLI, -- which cast fire, ---- the danger of the TEREBRA and SCORPIO, which cast javelins. -- But what are these, he would say, to the de- structive machinery of corporal Trim ? -- Believe me, brother Toby, no bridge, or bastion, or sally port that ever was con- structed in this world, can hold out against such artillery. My uncle Toby would never attempt 3 any |
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any defence against the force of this ridi- cule, but that of redoubling the vehe- mence of smoaking his pipe ; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suf- focating fit of violent coughing : my uncle Toby leap'd up without feeling the pain upon his groin, -- and, with infinite pity, stood beside his brother's chair, tap- ping his back with one hand, and hold- ing his head with the other, and from time to time, wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pull'd out of his pocket. ---- The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle Toby did these little offices, ---- cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him. ---- May my brains be knock'd out with a battering ram or a catapulta, I care not which, I 2 quoth |
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quoth my father to himself, ---- if ever I insult this worthy soul more. THE draw-bridge being held irrepa- rable, Trim was ordered directly to set about another, ---- but not upon the same model ; for cardinal Alberoni's in- trigues at that time being discovered, and my uncle Toby rightly foreseeing that a flame would inevitably break out be- twixt Spain and the Empire, and that the operations of the ensuing campaign must in all likelihood be either in Naples or Scicily, ---- he determined upon an Italian bridge, --- (my uncle Toby, by the bye, was not far out in his conjectures) ---- but my father, who was infinitely the better politician, and took the lead as far of my uncle Toby in the cabinet, as my uncle |
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uncle Toby took it of him in the field, -- convinced him, that if the King of Spain and the Emperor went together by the ears, that England and France and Hol- land must, by force of their pre-engage- ments, all enter the lists too ; ---- and if so, he would say, the combatants, bro- ther Toby, as sure as we are alive, will fall to it again, pell-mell, upon the old prize-fighting stage of Flanders; ---- then what will you do with your Italian bridge ? ---- We will go on with it then, upon the old model, cried my uncle Toby. When corporal Trim had about half finished it in that stile, ---- my uncle Toby found out a capital defect in it, which he had never thoroughly considered before. It turned, it seems, upon hinges at both ends of it, opening in the middle, one I 3 half |
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half of which turning to one side of the fosse, and the other, to the other ; the ad- vantage of which was this, that by divid- ing the weight of the bridge into two equal portions, it impowered my uncle Toby to raise it up or let it down with the end of his crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrison was weak, was as much as he could well spare, -- but the disadvantages of such a construction were insurmountable, ---- for by this means, he would say, I leave one half of my bridge in my enemy's possession, ---- and pray of what use is the other ? The natural remedy for this, was no doubt to have his bridge fast only at one end with hinges, so that the whole might be lifted up together, and stand bolt up- right, ---- but that was rejected for the reason given above. For |
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For a whole week after he was deter- mined in his mind to have one of that particular construction which is made to draw back horizontally, to hinder a passage ; and to thrust forwards again to gain a passage, ---- of which sorts your worships might have seen three famous ones at Spires before its destruction, -- and one now at Brisac, if I mistake not ; ---- but my father advising my uncle Toby, with great earnestness, to have nothing more to do with thrusting bridges, -- and my uncle foreseeing moreover that it would but perpetuate the memory of the corporal's misfortune, ---- he changed his mind, for that of the marquis d'Hôpital's invention, which the younger Bernouilli has so well and learnedly described, as your worships may see, -- Act. Erud. Lips. an. 1695, -- to these a lead weight is an eter- nal ballance, and keeps watch as well as a I 4 couple |
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couple of centinels, inasmuch as the con- struction of them was a curve-line ap- proximating to a cycloid, ---- if not a cy- cloid itself. My uncle Toby understood the nature of a parabola as well as any man in Eng- land, -- but was not quite such a master of the cycloid ; -- he talked however about it every day ; ---- the bridge went not for- wards. ---- We'll ask somebody about is, cried my uncle Toby to Trim. WHEN Trim came in and told my father, that Dr. Slop was in the kitchen, and busy in making a bridge, -- my uncle Toby, ---- the affair of the jack- boots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his brain, ---- took it in- stantly |
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stantly for granted that Dr. Slop was mak- ing a model of the marquis d'Hôpital's bridge. ---- 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby ; ---- pray give my humble service to Dr. Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. Had my uncle Toby's head been a Sa- voyard's box, and my father peeping in all the time at one end of it, ---- it could not have given him a more distinct con- ception of the operations in my uncle Toby's imagination, than what he had ; so notwithstanding the catapulta and bat- tering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them, he was just beginning to tri- umph ------ When Trim's answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces. C H A P. |
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---- THIS unfortunate draw-bridge of yours, quoth my father -- God bless your honour, cried Trim, 'tis a bridge for master's nose. ---- In bring- ing him into the world with his vile in- struments, he has crush'd his nose, Su- sannah says, as flat as a pancake to his face, and he is making a false bridge with a piece of cotton and a thin piece of whalebone out of Susannah's stays, to raise it up. ------ Lead me, brother Toby, cried my father, to my room this instant. C H A P. |
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FROM the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of the world, and my opinions for its in- struction, has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my father. ---- A tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against him. ---- Not one thing, as he observed himself, has gone right : and now is the storm thicken'd, and going to break, and pour down full upon his head. I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frame of mind, that ever sympathetic breast was touched with. ------ My nerves re- lax as I tell it. ------ Every line I write, I feel an abatement of the quickness of my |