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and fifty pages ago, but that I foresaw then 'twould come in pat hereafter, and be of more advantage here than elsewhere. -- Writers had need look before them to keep up the spirit and connection of what they have in hand. When these two things are done, -- the curtain shall be drawn up again, and my uncle Toby, my father, and Dr. Slop shall go on with their discourse, without any more interruption. First, then, the matter which I have to remind you of, is this ; -- that from the specimens of singularity in my father's notions in the point of Christian-names, and that other point previous thereto, -- you was led, I think, into an opinion, (and I am sure I said as much) that my father was a gentleman altogether as odd and |
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and whimsical in fifty other opinions. In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the very first act of his be- getting, -- down to the lean and slipper'd pantaloon in his second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself, springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the high-way of thinking, as these two which have been explained. -- Mr. Shandy, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the light in which others placed it ; -- he placed things in his own light ; -- he would weigh nothing in com- mon scales ; -- no, -- he was too refined a researcher to lay open to so gross an im- position. -- To come at the exact weight of things in the scientific steel-yard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be almost invisible, to avoid all friction from po- pular tenets ; -- without this the minutiæ L 2 of |
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of philosophy, which should always turn the balance, will have no weight at all. -- Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible in infinitum ; -- that the grains and scruples were as much a part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world. -- In a word, he would say, error was error, -- no matter where it fell, -- whether in a fraction, -- or a pound, -- 'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wing, -- as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together. He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were out of joint; -- that the political arch was giving way ; -- and |
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and that the very foundations of our ex- cellent constitution in church and state, were so sapp'd as estimators had reported. You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people. -- Why ? -- he would ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus, without knowing it belonged to them. -- Why ? why are we a ruined people ? -- Because we are corrup- ted. -- Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are corrupted ? -- Because we are needy ; -- our poverty, and not our wills, consent. -- And wherefore, he would add, -- are we needy ? -- From the neglect, he would an- swer, of our pence and our halfpence : -- Our bank-notes, Sir, our guineas, -- nay our shillings, take care of themselves. 'Tis the same, he would say, through- out the whole circle of the sciences ; -- L 3 the |
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the great, the established points of them, are not to be broke in upon. -- The laws of nature will defend themselves ; -- but error -- (he would add, looking earnestly at my mother) -- error, Sir, creeps in thro' the minute-holes, and small crevices, which human nature leaves unguarded. This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of : -- The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for this place, is as follows : Amongst the many and excellent rea- sons, with which my father had urged my mother to accept of Dr. Slop's assist- ance preferably to that of the old wo- man, -- there was one of a very singular nature ; which, when he had done ar- guing the matter with her as a Christian, and came to argue it over again with her 4 as |
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as a philosopher, ---- he had put his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet anchor. ---- It failed him ; tho' from no defect in the argument itself ; but that, do what he could, he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it. -- Cursed luck ! -- said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walk'd out of the room, after he had been sta- ting it for an hour and a half to her, to no manner of purpose; -- cursed luck ! said he, biting his lip as he shut the door, -- for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in nature, ---- and have a wife at the same time with such a head-piece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within side of it, to save his soul from destruction. This argument, though it was intirely lost upon my mother, -- had more weight with L 4 him, |
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him, than all his other arguments joined together : -- I will therefore endeavour to do it justice, -- and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am master of. My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms : First, That an ounce of a man's own wit, was worth a tun of other people's ; and, Secondly, (Which, by the bye, was the ground-work of the first axiom, -- tho' it comes last) -- That every man's wit must come from every man's own soul, -- and no other body's. Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature equal, -- and that the great difference between the most acute and the most obtuse understanding, -- was |
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---- was from no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance above or below another, ---- but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky organization of the body, in that part where the soul princi- pally took up her residence, -- he had made it the subject of his enquiry to find out the identical place. Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter, he was satisfied it could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the pineal gland of the brain ; which, as he philo- sophised, form'd a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea; -- tho', to speak the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place, -- 'twas no bad con- jecture ; -- and my father had certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the center of the mistake, had it not been 7 |
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been for my uncle Toby, who rescued him out of it, by a story he told him of a Walloon Officer at the battle of Landen, who had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ball, -- and another part of it taken out after by a French Surgeon ; and, after all, recovered, and did his duty very well without it. If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the separation of the soul from the body ; -- and if it is true that people can walk about and do their business without brains, -- then certes the soul does not inhabit there. Q. E. D. As for that certain very thin, subtle, and very fragrant juice which Coglionissimo Borri, the great Milaneze physician, af- firms, in a letter to Bartholine, to have dis- covered in the cellulæ of the occipital parts of |
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of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat of the rea- sonable soul (for, you must know, in these latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man living, -- the one according to the great Metheglingius, being called the Animus, the other the Anima) ; -- as for this opinion, I say, of Borri, -- my father could never subscribe to it by any means ; the very idea of so noble, so refined, so immaterial, and so ex- alted a being as the Anima, or even the Ani- mus, taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling, like a tad-pole, all day long, both summer and winter, in a puddle, -- or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin soever, he would say, shock'd his imagination ; he would scarce give the doctrine a hearing. What, therefore, seem'd the least liable to objections of any, was, that the chief sen- |
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sensorium, or head-quarters of the soul, and to which place all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her man- dates were issued, -- was in, or near, the cerebellum, -- or rather some-where about the medulla oblongata, wherein it was ge- nerally agreed by Dutch anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and winding alleys, into a square. So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion, -- he had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with him. -- But here he took a road of his own, setting up another Shan- dean hypothesis upon these corner-stones they had laid for him ; -- and which said hypothesis equally stood its ground ; whe- ther the subtilty and fineness of the soul depended upon the temperature and clear- ness |
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ness of the said liquor, or of the finer net-work and texture in the cerebellum itself ; which opinion he favoured. He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of propaga- tion of each individual, which required all the thought in the world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture in which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the name of good natural parts, do con- sist ; -- that next to this and his Christian- name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes of all ; -- that the third cause, or rather what logicians call the Causa sine quâ non, and without which all that was done was of no manner of significance, -- was the preservation of this delicate and fine-spun web, from the ha- vock which was generally made in it by the |
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the violent compression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that part foremost. ---- This requires explanation. My father, who dipp'd into all kinds of books, upon looking into Lithopædus Senonesis de Partu difficili*, published by Adri- * The author is here twice mistaken ; ------ for Lithopædus should be wrote thus, Lithopædii Seno- nensis Icon. The second mistake is, that this Li- thopædus is not an author, but a drawing of a petrified child. The account of this, published by Albosius, 1580, may be seen at the end of Cordæus's works in Spachius. Mr. Tristram Shandy has been led into this error, either from seeing Lithopædus's name of late in a catalogue of lear- ned writers in Dr. ---- , or by mistaking Li- thopædus for Trinecavellius, -- from the too great similitude of the names. |
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Adrianus Smelvgot, had found out, That the lax and pliable state of a child's head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no sutures at that time, was such, -- that by force of the woman's efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an average, to a weight of 470 pounds averdupoise acting per- pendicularly upon it ; -- it so happened that, in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook generally rolls up in order to make a pye of. ---- Good God ! cried my father, what ha- vock and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and tender texture of the cerebellum ! -- Or if there is such a juice as Borri pretends, -- is it not enough to make the clearest liquor in the world both feculent and mothery? But |
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But how great was his apprehension, when he further understood, that this force, acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the brain itself or cerebrum, ---- but that it necessarily squeez'd and propell'd the cerebrum to- wards the cerebellum, which was the im- mediate seat of the understanding. ---- Angels and Ministers of grace defend us ! cried my father, -- can any soul withstand this shock ? -- No wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tatter'd as we see it ; and that so many of our best heads are no better than a puzzled skein of silk, -- all perplexity, -- all confusion within side. But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a child was turn'd topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet ; -- that instead of the cerebrum being |
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being propell'd towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was pro- pell'd simply towards the cerebrum where it could do no manner of hurt : -- By heavens ! cried he, the world is in a con- spiracy to drive out what little wit God has given us, -- and the professors of the obstetrick art are listed into the same con- spiracy. -- What is it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided all goes right after, and his ce- rebellum escapes uncrushed ? It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it, that it assi- mulates every thing to itself as proper nourishment ; and, from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand. This is of great use. VOL. II M When |
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When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a phæ- nomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve by it ; -- it ac- counted for the eldest son being the great- est blockhead in the family. -- Poor Devil, he would say, -- he made way for the capa- city of his younger brothers. -- It unriddled the observation of drivellers and monstrous heads, -- shewing, a priori, it could not be otherwise, - - unless * * * * I don't know what. It wonderfully explain'd and ac- counted for the acumen of the Asiatick ge- nius, and that sprightlier turn, and a more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates ; not from the loose and common-place solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual sun-shine, &c. -- which, for aught he knew, might as well rarify and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one extreme, -- as they are 4 |
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are condensed in colder climates by the other ; -- but he traced the affair up to its spring-head ; -- shew'd that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation ; -- their pleasures more ; -- the necessity of their pains less, insomuch that the pres- sure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the whole organization of the cerebellum was preserved ; -- nay, he did not believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of the net-work was broke or displaced, -- so that the soul might just act as she liked. When my father had got so far, -- what a blaze of light did the accounts of the Cæsarian section, and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis ? Here you see, he would say, there was no injury done to the sensorium ; -- no pres- M 2 sure |
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sure of the head against the pelvis ; -- no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, either by the oss pubis on this side, or the oss coxcygis on that ; -- and, pray, what were the happy consequences ? Why, Sir, your Julius Cæsar, who gave the operation a name ; -- and your Her- mes Trismegistus, who was born so before ever the operation had a name ; -- your Scipio Africanus ; your Manlius Torquatus ; our Edward the sixth, -- who, had he lived, would have done the same honour to the hypothesis : -- These, and many more, who figur'd high in the annals of fame, -- all came side-way, Sir, into the world. This incision of the abdomen and ute- rus, ran for six weeks together in my fa- ther's head ; -- he had read, and was satis- fied, that wounds in the epigastrium, and those in the matrix, were not mortal ; -- so that the belly of the mother might be opened |
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opened extremely well to give a passage to the child. -- He mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother, -- merely as a matter of fact ; -- but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the operation flattered his hopes, -- he thought it as well to say no more of it, -- contenting himself with ad- miring -- what he thought was to no pur- pose to propose. This was my father Mr. Shandy's hypo- thesis ; concerning which I have only to add, that my brother Bobby did as great honour to it (whatever he did to the fa- mily) as any one of the great heroes we spoke of : -- For happening not only to be christen'd, as I told you, but to be born too, when my father was at Epsom, -- being moreover my mother's first child, -- coming into the world with his head foremost, -- and turning out afterwards a lad |
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lad of wonderful slow parts, -- my father spelt all these together into his opinion ; and as he had failed at one end, -- he was determined to try the other. This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not easily to be put out of their way, -- and was therefore one of my father's great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could bet- ter deal with. Of all men in the world, Dr. Slop was the fittest for my father's purpose ; -- for tho' his new-invented forceps was the armour he had proved, and what he maintained, to be the safest instrument of deliverance, -- yet, it seems, he had scat- tered a word or two in his book, in fa- vour of the very thing which ran in my father's fancy ; -- tho' not with a view to the soul's good in extracting by the feet, as |
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as was my father's system, -- but for rea- sons merely obstetrical. This will account for the coallition betwixt my father and Dr. Slop, in the en- suing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle Toby. -- In what manner a plain man, with nothing but common sense, could bear up against two such allies in science, -- is hard to conceive. -- You may conjecture upon it, if you please, -- and whilst your imagination is in mo- tion, you may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pass, that my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin. -- You may raise a system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage articles, -- and shew the world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to be called TRISTRAM, in opposition to my father's hy- |
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hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family, God-fathers and God-mothers not excepted. -- These, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may en- deavour to solve if you have time; -- but I tell you before-hand it will be in vain, -- for not the sage Alquife, the magician in Don Belianis of Greece, nor the no less famous Urganda, the sorceress his wife, (were they alive) could pretend to come within a league of the truth. The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these matters till the next year, -- when a series of things will be laid open which he little expects. |