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[ 60 ]

Fever was hourly expected ; and was
uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind all
the time my father was giving him and
Yorick a description of what kind of a
person he would chuse for a preceptor
to me : but as my uncle Toby thought
my father at first somewhat fanciful in
the accomplishments he required, he
forbore mentioning Le Fever's name,
---- till the character, by Yorick's inter-
position, ending unexpectedly, in one,
who should be gentle tempered, and ge-
nerous, and good, it impressed the image
of Le Fever, and his interest upon my
uncle Toby so forceably, he rose instant-
ly off his chair ; and laying down his
pipe, in order to take hold of both my
father's hands ---- I beg, brother Shandy,
said my uncle Toby, I may recommend
poor Le Fever's son to you ---- I beseech
you, do, added Yorick ---- He has a good
                          heart,



[ 61 ]

heart, said my uncle Toby ---- And a
brave one too, an' please your honour,
said the corporal.

  ---- The best hearts, Trim, are
ever the bravest, replied my uncle Toby.
---- And the greatest cowards, an' please
your honour, in our regiment, were the
greatest rascals in it. ---- There was ser-
jeant Kumbur, and ensign ------

  ---- We'll talk of them, said my fa-
ther, another time.


C H A P. XIV.

WHAT a jovial and a merry world
would this be, may it please your
worships, but for that inextricable laby-
rinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief,
                          dis-



[ 62 ]

discontent, melancholy, large jointures,
impositions, and lies !

  Doctor Slop, like a son of a w---- , as
my father called him for it, -- to exalt
himself, -- debased me to death, -- and
made ten thousand times more of Susan-
nah
's accident, than there was any
grounds for ; so that in a week's time,
or less, it was in every body's mouth,
That poor Master Shandy  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  entirely. --
And FAME, who loves to double every
thing, -- in three days more, had sworn
positively she saw it, -- and all the world,
as usual, gave credit to her evidence ----
`` That the nursery window had not
only *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  * ; ----but that *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *'s also.''
             8              Could



[ 63 ]

  Could the world have been sued like
a BODY-CORPORATE, -- my father had
brought an action upon the case, and
trounced it sufficiently ; but to fall foul
of individuals about it ---- as every soul
who had mentioned the affair, did it
with the greatest pity imaginable ; ----
'twas like flying in the very face of his
best friends : ---- And yet to acquiesce
under the report, in silence -- was to ac-
knowledge it openly, -- at least in the
opinion of one half of the world ; and
to make a bustle again, in contradicting
it, -- was to confirm it as strongly in the
opinion of the other half. ------

  ---- Was ever poor devil of a coun-
try gentleman so hampered ? said my
father.
                          I would



[ 64 ]

  I would shew him publicly, said my
uncle Toby, at the market cross.

  ---- 'Twill have no effect, said my
father.


C H A P. XV.

  ---- I'll put him, however, into
breeches said my father, -- let the world
say what it will.


C H A P. XVI.

THERE are a thousand resolutions,
Sir, both in church and state, as
well as in matters, Madam, of a more
private concern ; -- which, though they
have carried all the appearance in the
world of being taken, and entered upon
in a hasty, hare-brained, and unadvised
manner, were, notwithstanding this,
                          (and



[ 65 ]

(and could you or I have got into the
cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we
should have found it was so) weigh-
ed, poized, and perpended ---- argued
upon ---- canvassed through ---- entered
into, and examined on all sides with so
much coolness, that the GODDESS of COOL-
NESS
herself (I do not take upon me to
prove her existence) could neither have
wished it, or done it better.

  Of the number of these was my fa-
ther's resolution of putting me into
breeches ; which, though determined
at once, -- in a kind of huff, and a defi-
ance of all mankind, had, nevertheless,
been pro'd and conn'd, and judicially talk-
ed over betwixt him and my mother
about a month before, in two several
beds of justice, which my father had held
for that purpose. I shall explain the
  VOL. VI.        F            nature



[ 66 ]

nature of these beds of justice in my
next chapter ; and in the chapter follow-
ing that, you shall step with me, Madam,
behind the curtain, only to hear in what
kind of manner my father and my mo-
ther debated between themselves, this
affair of the breeches, -- from which you
may form an idea, how they debated all
lesser matters.


C H A P. XVII.

THE ancient Goths of Germany, who
(the learned Cluverius is positive)
were first seated in the country between
the Vistula and the Oder, and who after-
wards incorporated the Herculi, the Bu-
gians
, and some other Vandallick clans
to 'em, -- had all of them a wise custom
of debating every thing of importance
             1              to



[ 67 ]

to their state, twice ; that is, -- once
drunk, and once sober : ---- Drunk --
that their counsels might not want vi-
gour ; ---- and sober -- that they might
not want discretion.

  Now my father, being entirely a water-
drinker, -- was a long time gravelled
almost to death, in turning this as much
to his advantage, as he did every other
thing, which the ancients did or said ;
and it was not till the seventh year of his
marriage, after a thousand fruitless ex-
periments and devices, that he hit upon
an expedient which answered the pur-
pose ; ---- and that was when any diffi-
cult and momentous point was to be set-
tled in the family, which required great
sobriety, and great spirit too, in its de-
termination, ---- he fixed and set apart
the first Sunday night in the month, and
             F 2              the



[ 68 ]

the Saturday night which immediately
preceded it, to argue it over, in bed
with my mother : By which contrivance,
if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
*  *  *  *  *  *.

  These my father, humourously enough,
called his beds of justice ; ---- for from
the two different counsels taken in these
two different humours, a middle one
was generally found out, which touched
the point of wisdom as well, as if he
had got drunk and sober a hundred
times.

  It must not be made a secret of to the
world, that this answers full as well in
literary discussions, as either in military
                          or



[ 69 ]

or conjugal ; but it is not every author
that can try the experiment as the Goths
and Vandals did it ---- or if he can,
may it be always for his body's health ;
and to do it, as my father did it, --
am I sure it would be always for his
soul's. ----

  My way is this : ------

  In all nice and ticklish discussions, --
(of which, heaven knows, there are
but too many in my book) -- where I
find I cannot take a step without the
danger of having either their worships
or their reverences upon my back ----
I write one half full, -- and t'other fast-
ing
; ---- or write it all full, -- and cor-
rect it fasting; ---- or write it fasting, --
and correct it full, for they all come to
the same thing : ---- So that with a less
             F 3              variation



[ 70 ]

variation from my father's plan, than
my father's from the Gothick ---- I feel
myself upon a par with him in his first
bed of justice, --- and no way inferior to
him in his second. ---- These different
and almost irreconcileable effects, flow
uniformly from the wise and wonderful
mechanism of nature, -- of which, -- be
her's the honour. ---- All that we can do,
is to turn and work the machine to the
improvement and better manufactury
of the arts and sciences. ------

  Now, when I write full, -- I write as if
I was never to write fasting again as long
as I live ; ---- that is, I write free from
the cares, as well as the terrors of the
world. ---- I count not the number of
my scars, -- nor does my fancy go forth
into dark entries and bye corners to ante-
date my stabs. ---- In a word, my pen
                          takes



[ 71 ]

takes its course ; and I write on as much
from the fullness of my heart, as my
stomach. ----

  But when, an' please your honours,
I indite fasting, 'tis a different history.
---- I pay the world all possible atten-
tion and respect, -- and have as great a
share (whilst it lasts) of that understrap-
ping virtue of discretion, as the best of
you. ---- So that betwixt both, I write a
careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good
humoured Shandean book, which will
do all your hearts good ------

  ---- And all your heads too, -- pro-
vided you understand it.



             F 4              C H A P.



[ 72 ]


C H A P. XVIII.

WE should begin, said my father,
turning himself half round in
bed, and shifting his pillow a little to-
wards my mother's, as he opened the
debate ---- We should begin to think,
Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into
breeches. ----

  We should so, -- said my mother. ----
We defer it, my dear, quoth my father,
shamefully. ------

  I think we do, Mr. Shandy, -- said my
mother.

  ---- Not but the child looks extreme-
ly well, said my father, in his vests and
tunics. ------
                          ---- He



[ 73 ]

  ---- He does look very well in them,
-- replied my mother. ------

  ---- And for that reason it would be
almost a sin, added my father, to take
him out of 'em. ----

  ---- It would so, -- said my mother :
---- But indeed he is growing a very
tall lad, -- rejoin'd my father.

  ---- He is very tall for his age, in-
deed, -- said my mother. ----

  ---- I can not (making two syllables
of it) imagine, quoth my father, who
the duce he takes after. ----

  I cannot conceive, for my life, -- said
my mother. ------
                          Humph !



[ 74 ]

  Humph ! ---- said my father.

  (The dialogue ceased for a moment.)

  ---- I am very short myself, -- conti-
nued my father, gravely.

  You are very short, Mr. Shandy, --
said my mother.

  Humph ! quoth my father to himself,
a second time : in muttering which, he
plucked his pillow a little further from
my mother's, -- and turning about again,
there was an end of the debate for three
minutes and a half.

  ---- When he gets these breeches
made, cried my father in a higher tone,
he'll look like a beast in 'em.
                          He



[ 75 ]

  He will be very aukward in them at
first, replied my mother. ------

  ---- And 'twill be lucky, if that's
the worst on't, added my father.

  It will be very lucky, answered my
mother.

  I suppose, replied my father, -- mak-
ing some pause first, -- he'll be exactly
like other people's children. ------

  Exactly, said my mother. ------

  ---- Though I should be sorry for
that, added my father : and so the de-
bate stopped again.

  ---- They should be of leather, said
my father, turning him about again. --
                          They



[ 76 ]

  They will last him, said my mother, the
longest.

  But he can have no linings to 'em,
replied my father. ------

  He cannot, said my mother.

  'Twere better to have them of fustian,
quoth my father.

  Nothing can be better, quoth my
mother. ------

  ---- Except dimity, -- replied my fa-
ther : ---- 'Tis best of all, -- replied my
mother.

  ---- One must not give him his death,
however, -- interrupted my father.

  By no means, said my mother : ----
and so the dialogue stood still again.
             7              I am



[ 77 ]

  I am resolved, however, quoth my
father, breaking silence the fourth time,
he shall have no pockets in them. ----

  ---- There is no occasion for any,
said my mother. ------

  I mean in his coat and waistcoat, --
cried my father.

  ---- I mean so too, -- replied my
mother.

  ---- Though if he gets a gig or a top
---- Poor souls ! it is a crown and a
scepter to them, -- they should have where
to secure it. ------

  Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy,
replied my mother. ------
                          ---- But



[ 78 ]

  ---- But don't you think it right ?
added my father, pressing the point
home to her.

  Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases
you, Mr. Shandy. ------

  ---- There's for you ! cried my father,
losing temper ---- Pleases me ! ---- You
never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor
shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt
a point of pleasure and a point of con-
venience. ---- This was on the Sunday
night ; ---- and further this chapter say-
eth not.


C H A P. XIX.

AFTER my father had debated the af-
fair of the breeches with my mother,
-- he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon
                          it ;



[ 79 ]

it ; and Albertus Rubenius used my father
ten times worse in the consultation (if
possible) than even my father had used my
mother : For as Rubenius had wrote a
quarto express, De re Vestiaria Veterum, --
it was Rubenius's business to have given
my father some lights. -- On the contrary,
my father might as well have thought of
extracting the seven cardinal virtues out
of a long beard, -- as of extracting a single
word out of Rubenius upon the subject.

  Upon every other article of ancient
dress, Rubenius was very communicative
to my father ; -- gave him a full and sa-
tisfactory account of

     The Toga, or loose gown.
     The Chlamys.
     The Ephod.
     The Tunica, or Jacket.
                          The



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