|
We thought, Mr. Trim, it had been more in the middle ---- said Mrs. Bridget ---- That would have undone us for ever -- said the Corporal. ---- And left my poor mistress undone too -- said Bridget. The Corporal made no reply to the repartee, but by giving Mrs. Bridget a kiss. Come -- come -- said Bridget -- holding the palm of her left-hand parallel to the plane of the horizon, and slid- ing the fingers of the other over it, in a way which could not have been done, had there been the least wart or protube- rance |
|
rance ---- 'Tis every syllable of it false, cried the Corporal, before she had half finished the sentence ---- -- I know it to be fact, said Bridget, from credible witnesses. ------ Upon my honour, said the Corporal, laying his hand upon his heart, and blushing as he spoke with honest resentment -- 'tis a story, Mrs. Bridget, as false as hell ---- Not, said Bridget, interrupting him, that either I or my mistress care a halfpenny about it, whether 'tis so or no ------ only that when one is married, one would chuse to have such a thing by one at least ---- It |
|
It was somewhat unfortunate for Mrs. Bridget that she had begun the attack with her manual exercise ; for the Cor- poral instantly * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *. C H A P. |
|
IT was like the momentary contest in the moist eyelids of an April morning, `` Whether Bridget should `` laugh or cry.'' She snatch'd up a rolling pin ---- 'twas ten to one, she had laugh'd ---- She laid it down ---- she cried ; and had one single tear of 'em but tasted of bitterness, full sorrowful would the Cor- poral's heart have been that he had used the argument ; but the Corporal under- stood the sex, a quart major to a terce at least, better than my uncle Toby, and accordingly he assailed Mrs. Bridget after this manner. I know |
|
I know, Mrs. Bridget, said the Cor- poral, giving her a most respectful kiss, that thou are good and modest by nature, and art withal so generous a girl in thyself, that, if I know thee rightly, thou wouldst not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant and worthy a soul as my master, wast thou sure to be made a countess of ---- but thou hast been set on, and deluded, dear Bridget, as is often a woman's case, `` to please others `` more than themselves ---- '' Bridget's eyes poured down at the sensations the Corporal excited. ---- Tell me ---- tell me then, my dear Bridget, continued the Corporal, taking hold of her hand, which hung down |
|
down dead by her side, ---- and giving a second kiss ---- whose suspicion has misled thee? Bridget sobb'd a sob or two ---- then open'd her eyes ---- the Corporal wiped 'em with the bottom of her apron ---- she then open'd her heart and told him all. C H A P. |
|
MY uncle Toby and the Corporal had gone on separately with their operations the greatest part of the cam- paign and as effectually cut off from all communication of what either the one or the other had been doing, as if they had been separated from each other by the Maes or the Sambre. My uncle, Toby, on his side, had pre- sented himself every afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold, alternately, and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be at- tacks -- and so had nothing to commu- nicate ---- The |
|
The Corporal, on his side, in taking Bridget, by it had gain'd considerable advantages ---- and consequently had much to communicate ---- but what were the advantages ---- as well, as what was the manner by which he had seiz'd them, required so nice an historian that the Corporal durst not venture upon it ; and as sensible as he was of glory, would rather have been contented to have gone bareheaded and without laurels for ever, than torture his master's modesty for a single moment ---- ---- Best of honest and gallant ser- vants! ---- But I have apostrophiz'd thee, Trim! once before ---- and could I apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with |
|
with good company ---- I would do it without ceremony in the very next page. C H A P. |
|
NOW my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends, (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs. Wadman's per- fections one by one ; and happening two or three times together, either by omit- ting some, or counting others twice over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle finger ---- Prit- hee, Trim! said he, taking up his pipe again, ---- bring me a pen and ink : Trim brought paper also. VOL. IX. K Take |
|
Take a full sheet ---- Trim! said my uncle Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table. The Corporal obeyed ---- placed the paper directly before him ---- took a pen and dip'd it in the ink. -- She has a thousand virtues, Trim! said my uncle Toby ------ Am I to set them down, an' please your honour? quoth the Corporal. ---- But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle Toby ; for of them all, Trim, that which wins me most, and which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singu- lar |
|
lar humanity of her character -- I pro- test, added my uncle Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the ceiling ---- That was I her brother, Trim a thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender en- quiries after my sufferings ---- though now no more. The Corporal made no reply to my uncle Toby's protestation, but by a short cough -- he dip'd the pen a second time into the inkhorn ; and my uncle Toby, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it as he could get it ---- the Corporal wrote down the word H U M A N I T Y - - - - thus. K 2 Prithee, |
|
Prithee,Corporal, said my uncle Toby, as soon as Trim had done it ------ how often does Mrs. Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou receiv'dst at the battle of Landen? She never, an' please your honour, enquires after it at all. That, Corporal, said my uncle Toby, with all the triumph the goodness of his nature would permit ---- That shews the difference in the character of the mistress and maid ---- had the fortune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs. Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred |
|
hundred times ---- She would have en- quired, an' please your honour, ten times as often about your honour's groin ---- The pain, Trim, is equally excruciating, ---- and Compassion has as much to do with, the one as the other ---- ---- God bless your honour! cried the Corporal ---- what has a woman's compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a man's knee? had your ho- nour's been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of Landen, Mrs. Wadman would have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget ; because, added the Corporal, lowering his voice and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reason ---- K 3 `` The |
|
`` The knee is such a distance from `` the main body -- whereas the groin, `` your honour knows, is upon the very `` curtin of the place.'' My uncle Toby gave a long whistle ---- but in a note which could scarce be heard across the table. The Corporal had advanced too far to retire ---- in three words he told the rest ---- My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spider's web ------ ------ Let us go to my brother Shandy's, said he. C H A P. |