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intentions by a courier to morrow morn- ing. I am astonished, said Francis the First, (that day fortnight) speaking to his mi- nister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer from Switzerland -- Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons. le Premier, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business. -- They take it kindly ? said the king -- They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them -- but the republick, as godmother, claims her right in this case, of naming the child. In all reason, quoth the king -- she will christen him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us. Your majesty is de- ceived, |
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ceived, replied the minister -- I have this hour received a dispatch from our resi- dent, with the determination of the re- publick on that point also -- And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin ? -- Shadrach, Mesech, and Abed-nego, replied the minister -- By saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Swiss, cried Francis the First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor. Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off. We'll pay them in money -- said the king. Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the minister ---- I'll pawn the best jewel in |
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in my crown, quoth Francis the First. Your honour stands pawn'd already in this matter, answered Monsieur le Premier. Then, Mons. le Premier, said the king, by ------ we'll go to war with 'em. ALBEIT, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books, which I here put into thy hands, might |
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might stand instead of many bigger books -- yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to en- treat thy lenity seriously -- in beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my father and his christen- names, -- I had no thoughts of treading upon Francis the First -- nor in the affair of the nose -- upon Francis the Ninth -- nor in the character of my uncle Toby -- of cha- racterizing the militiating spirits of my country -- the wound upon his groin, is a wound to every comparison of that kind, -- nor by Trim, -- that I meant the duke of Ormond -- or that my book is wrote against predestination, or free will, or taxes -- If 'tis wrote against any thing, ---- 'tis wrote, an' please your worships, against the spleen ; in order, by a more 3 frequent |
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frequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression of the diaphragm, and the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal muscles in laughter, to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the gall bladder, liver and sweet-bread of his majesty's subjects, with all the inimi- citious passions which belong to them, down into their duodenums. -- BUT can the thing be undone, Yorick ? said my father -- for in my opinion, continued he, it cannot. I am a vile canonist, replied Yorick -- but of all evils, holding suspense to be the most tormenting, we shall at least know the worst of this matter. I hate these great dinners -- said my father -- The size of |
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of the dinner is not the point, answered Yorick -- we want, Mr. Shandy, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name can be changed or not -- and as the beards of so many commissaries, officials, advocates, proctors, registers, and of the most able of our school- divines, and others, are all to meet in the middle of one table, and Didius has so pressingly invited you, --- who in your distress would miss such an occasion ? All that is requisite, continued Yorick, is to apprize Didius, and let him manage a con- versation after dinner so as to introduce the subject -- Then my brother Toby, cried my father, clapping his two hands toge- ther, shall go with us. VOL. IV. L -- Let |
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-- Let my old tye wig, quoth my uncle Toby, and my laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, Trim. C H A P. |
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-- NO doubt, Sir -- there is a whole chapter wanting here -- and a chasm of ten pages made in the book by it -- but the book-binder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppy -- nor is the book a jot more imperfect, (at least upon that score) -- but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate to your reverences in this manner -- I question first by the bye, whether the same experiment might not be made as successfully upon sundry other chapters ---- but there is no end, an'please your reverences, in trying ex- periments upon chapters -- we have had L 2 enough |
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enough of it -- So there's an end of that matter. But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which other- wise you would all have been reading just now, instead of this, -- was the de- scription of my father's, my uncle Toby's, Trim's, and Obadiah's setting out and journeying to the visitations at ****. We'll go in the coach, said my father -- Prithee, have the arms been altered, Obadiah ? -- It would have made my story much better, to have begun with telling you, that at the time my mother's arms were added to the Shandy's, when the coach was repainted upon my father's marriage, it had so fallen out, that the coach painter, whether by performing all |
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all his works with the left-hand, like Turpilius the Roman, or Hans Holbein of Basil -- or whether 'twas more from the blunder of his head than hand -- or whe- ther, lastly, it was from the sinister turn, which every thing relating to our family was apt to take -- It so fell out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the bend dexter, which since Harry the Eighth's reign was honestly our due ---- a bend sinister, by some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field of the Shandy-arms. 'Tis scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter. The word coach -- let it be whose it would -- or coach-man, or coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of Illegitimacy upon the door of his own ; L 3 he |
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he never once was able to step into the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a view of the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again, till the bend-sinister was taken out -- but like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the many things which the Destinies had set down in their books -- ever to be grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours) -- but never to be mended. -- Has the bend-sinister been brush'd out, I say ? said my father -- There has been nothing brush'd out, Sir, answered Obadiah, but the lining. We'll go o'horse-back, said my father, turning to Yorick -- Of all things in the world, ex- cept politicks, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said Yorick -- No matter for that, |