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my pulse, and of that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my life prompts me to say and write a thousand things I should not. ---- And this mo- ment that I last dipp'd my pen into my ink, I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and so- lemnity there appear'd in my manner of doing it. ---- Lord ! how different from the rash jerks, and hare-brain'd squirts thou art wont, Tristram ! to transact it with in other humours, ---- dropping thy pen, -- spurting thy ink about thy table and thy books, ---- as if thy pen and thy ink, thy books and thy furniture cost thee nothing. ---- I WON'T go about to argue the point with you, -- 'tis so, -- and I am |
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I am persuaded of it, madam, as much as can be, `` That both man and woman `` bear pain or sorrow, (and, for aught I `` know, pleasure too) best in a horizon- `` tal position.'' The moment my father got up into his chamber, he threw himself prostrate across his bed in the wildest disorder ima- ginable, but at the same time, in the most lamentable attitude of a man borne down with sorrows, that ever the eye of pity dropp'd a tear for. ---- The palm of his right hand, as he fell upon the bed, re- ceiving his forehead, and covering the greatest part of both his eyes, gently sunk down with his head (his elbow giving way backwards) till his nose touch'd the quilt; ---- his left arm hung insensible over the side of the bed, his knuckles re- clining upon the handle of the chamber pot, |
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pot, which peep'd out beyond the va- lance, -- his right leg (his left being drawn up towards his body) hung half over the side of the bed, the edge of it pressing upon his shin bone. ---- He felt it not. A fix'd, inflexible sorrow took possession of every line of his face. -- He sigh'd once, --- heaved his breast often, -- but utter'd not a word. An old set-stitch'd chair, valanced and fringed around with party-colour'd wor- sted bobs, stood at the bed's head, oppo- site to the side where my father's head re- clined. ---- My uncle Toby sat him down in it. Before an affliction is digested, ---- consolation ever comes too soon ; ---- and after it is digested, --- it comes too late : so that you see, madam, there is but a mark |
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mark between these two, as fine almost as a hair, for a comforter to take aim at : my uncle Toby was always either on this side, or on that of it, and would often say, He believed in his heart, he could as soon hit the longitude ; for this reason, when he sat down in the chair, he drew the cur- tain a little forwards, and having a tear at every one's service, --- he pull'd out a cambrick handkerchief, ---- gave a low sigh, ---- but held his peace. ---- `` ALL is not gain that is got in- `` to the purse.'' ---- So that notwithstanding my father had the hap- piness of reading the oddest books in the universe, and had moreover, in himself, the oddest way of thinking, that ever man |
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man in it was bless'd with, yet it had this drawback upon him after all, ---- that it laid him open to some of the oddest and most whimsical distresses ; of which this particular one which he sunk under at present is as strong an example as can be given. No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a child's nose, by the edge of a pair of forceps, --- however scientifically applied, ---- would vex any man in the world, who was at so much pains in be- getting a child, as my father was, ---- yet it will not account for the extrava- gance of his affliction, or will it justify the unchristian manner he abandoned and surrender'd himself up to it. To explain this, I must leave him upon the |
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the bed for half an hour, ---- and my good uncle Toby in his old fringed chair sitting beside him. ---- I THINK it a very unreason- able demand, ---- cried my great grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table. ---- By this account, madam, you have but two thou- sand pounds fortune, and not a shilling more, ---- and you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it. ---- -- `` Because,'' replied my great grand- mother, `` you have little or no nose, `` Sir.'' ------ Now, before I venture to make use VOL. III. K of |
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of the word Nose a second time, --- to avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this interesting part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning, and define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I would willingly be understood to mean by the term : being of opinion, that 'tis owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers, in despising this precaution, and to nothing else, ---- That all the polemi- cal writings in divinity, are not as clear and demonstrative as those upon a Will o' the-Wisp, or any other sound part of phi- losophy, and natural pursuit ; in order to which, what have you to do, before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment, ------ but to give the world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most occasion for, -- changing it, Sir, as you |
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you would a guinea, into small coin ? -- which done, -- let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can ; or put a different idea either into your head, or your reader's head, if he knows how. In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am engaged in, -- the neglect is inexcusable ; and hea- ven is witness, how the world has re- venged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal strictures, -- and for depending so much as I have done, all along, upon the cleanliness of my reader's imaginations. ------ Here are two senses, cried Eu- genius, as we walk'd along, pointing with the fore finger of his right hand to the word Crevice, in the fifty second page of the second volume of this book of books, K 2 -- here |
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-- here are two senses, ---- quoth he. ---- And here are two roads, replied I, turn- ing short upon him, ---- a dirty and a clean one, ---- which shall we take ? ---- The clean, -- by all means, replied Eu- genius. Eugenius, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breast, ---- to define ---- is to distrust. ---- Thus I triumph'd over Eugenius ; but I triumph'd over him as I always do, like a fool. ---- 'Tis my comfort however, I am not an obstinate one ; therefore I define a nose as follows, ---- intreat- ing only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas 1 into |
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into their minds, than what I put into my definition. ---- For by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occurs, -- I declare, by that word I mean a Nose, and nothing more, or less. ---- `` BECAUSE,'' quoth my great grandmother, repeating the words again, --- `` you have little or no `` nose, Sir'' ---- S'death ! cried my great grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose, -- 'tis not so small as that comes to ; -- 'tis a full inch longer than my father's. ---- Now, my great grandfather's nose was for all K 3 the |
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the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom Pan- tagruel found dwelling upon the island of ENNASIN. ---- By the way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a people, ---- you must read the book ; -- find it out your- self, you never can. ---- ---- 'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs. ---- 'Tis a full inch, continued my great grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb ; and repeating his assertion, ---- 'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's -- . You must mean your uncle's, replied my great grandmother. My |
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---- My great grandfather was con- vinced. -- He untwisted the paper, and signed the article. ---- WHAT an unconscionable jointure, my dear, do we pay out of this small estate of ours, quoth my grandmother to my grand- father. My father, replied my grandfather, had no more nose, my dear, saving the mark, than there is upon the back of my hand. ---- ---- Now, you must know, that my great grandmother outlived my grand- father twelve years ; so that my father K 4 had |
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had the jointure to pay, a hundred and fifty pounds half yearly --- (on Michael- mas and Lady day) -- during all that time. No man discharged pecuniary obliga- tions with a better grace than my fa- ther. ------ And as far as the hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the table, guinea by guinea, with that spirit- ed jerk of an honest welcome, which ge- nerous souls, and generous souls only, are able to fling down money : but as soon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty, -- he generally gave a loud Hem ! -- rubb'd the side of his nose leisurely with the flat part of his fore finger, --- inserted his hand cautiously betwixt his head and the cawl of his wig, -- look'd at both sides of every guinea, as he parted with it, -- and seldom could |
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could get to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out his handkerchief, and wiping his temples. Defend me, gracious heaven ! from those persecuting spirits who make no al- lowances for these workings within us. -- Never, -- O never may I lay down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine, and feel pity for the force of education, and the prevalance of opinions long derived from ancestors ! For three generations at least, this te- net in favour of long noses had gradually been taking root in our family. ---- TRADITION was all along on its side, and INTEREST was every half year stepping in to strengthen it ; so that the whimsi- cality of my father's brain was far from having |
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having the whole honour of this, as it had of almost all his other strange notions. -- For in a great measure he might be said to have suck'd this in, with his mother's milk. He did his part however. ---- If education planted the mistake, (in case it was one) my father watered it, and ri- pened it to perfection. He would often declare, in speaking his thoughts upon the subject, that he did not conceive how the greatest family in England could stand it out against an uninterrupted succession of six or seven short noses. -- And for the contrary rea- son, he would generally add, That it must be one of the greatest problems in civil life, where the same number of long and jolly noses following one another in a direct line, did not raise and hoist it 2 up |
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up into the best vacancies in the king- dom. ---- He would often boast that the Shandy family rank'd very high in king Harry the VIIIth's time, but owed its rise to no state engine, -- he would say, -- but to that only ; --- but that, like other families, he would add, -- it had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never reco- vered the blow of my great grandfather's nose. ---- It was an ace of clubs indeed, he would cry, shaking his head, ---- and as vile a one for an unfortunate family, as ever turn'd up trumps. ---- Fair and softly, gentle reader ! ---- where is thy fancy carrying thee? ---- If there is truth in man, by my great grandfather's nose, I mean the ex- ternal organ of smelling, or that part of man which stands prominent in his face, and |
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-- and which painters say, in good jolly noses and well-proportioned faces, should comprehend a full third, -- that is, mea- suring downwards from the setting on of the hair. ---- ---- What a life of it has an author, at this pass ! IT is a singular blessing, that nature has form'd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, whichisobserved in old dogs, ---- `` of not learning new tricks.'' What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever exist- ed, be whisk'd into at once, did he read such |
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such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides ! Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this. -- He pick'd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple. -- It becomes his own, -- and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up. ---- I am aware, that Didius, the great civi- lian, will contest this point ; and cry out against me, Whence comes this man's right to this apple ? ex confesso, he will say, ---- things were in a state of na- ture. -- The apple, as much Frank's apple, as John's. Pray, Mr. Shandy, what pa- tent has he to shew for it ? and how did it begin to be his ? was it, when he set his |
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his heart upon it ? or when he gather'd it ? or when he chew'd it ? or when he roasted it ? or when he peel'd ? or when he brought it home ? or when he digest- ed ? ---- or when he ------ ? ---- . For 'tis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not his, ---- that no subsequent act could. Brother Didius,Tribonius will answer, -- (now Tribonius the civilian and church lawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than Di- dius his beard, -- I'm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no fur- ther trouble about the answer.) -- Brother Didius, Tribonius will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermogenes's codes, and in all the codes from Justinian's down to the |
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the codes of Louis and Des Eaux, -- That the sweat of a man's brows, and the ex- sudations of a man's brains, are as much a man's own property, as the breeches upon his backside ; ---- which said exsu- dations, &c. being dropp'd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up ; and being moreover in- dissolubly wafted, and as indissolubly an- nex'd by the picker up, to the thing pick'd up, carried home, roasted, peel'd, eaten, digested, and so on ; ---- 'tis evi- dent that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mix'd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has ac- quired a property ; -- or, in other words, the apple is John's apple. By the same learned chain of reason- ing |