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Fever was hourly expected ; and was uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind all the time my father was giving him and Yorick a description of what kind of a person he would chuse for a preceptor to me : but as my uncle Toby thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forbore mentioning Le Fever's name, ---- till the character, by Yorick's inter- position, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle tempered, and ge- nerous, and good, it impressed the image of Le Fever, and his interest upon my uncle Toby so forceably, he rose instant- ly off his chair ; and laying down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father's hands ---- I beg, brother Shandy, said my uncle Toby, I may recommend poor Le Fever's son to you ---- I beseech you, do, added Yorick ---- He has a good heart, |
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heart, said my uncle Toby ---- And a brave one too, an' please your honour, said the corporal. ---- The best hearts, Trim, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle Toby. ---- And the greatest cowards, an' please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it. ---- There was ser- jeant Kumbur, and ensign ------ ---- We'll talk of them, said my fa- ther, another time. WHAT a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable laby- rinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, dis- |
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discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies ! Doctor Slop, like a son of a w---- , as my father called him for it, -- to exalt himself, -- debased me to death, -- and made ten thousand times more of Susan- nah's accident, than there was any grounds for ; so that in a week's time, or less, it was in every body's mouth, That poor Master Shandy * * * * * * * * * * * * entirely. -- And FAME, who loves to double every thing, -- in three days more, had sworn positively she saw it, -- and all the world, as usual, gave credit to her evidence ---- `` That the nursery window had not only * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ; ----but that * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *'s also.'' 8 Could |
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Could the world have been sued like a BODY-CORPORATE, -- my father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently ; but to fall foul of individuals about it ---- as every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable ; ---- 'twas like flying in the very face of his best friends : ---- And yet to acquiesce under the report, in silence -- was to ac- knowledge it openly, -- at least in the opinion of one half of the world ; and to make a bustle again, in contradicting it, -- was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half. ------ ---- Was ever poor devil of a coun- try gentleman so hampered ? said my father. I would |
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I would shew him publicly, said my uncle Toby, at the market cross. ---- 'Twill have no effect, said my father. ---- I'll put him, however, into breeches said my father, -- let the world say what it will. THERE are a thousand resolutions, Sir, both in church and state, as well as in matters, Madam, of a more private concern ; -- which, though they have carried all the appearance in the world of being taken, and entered upon in a hasty, hare-brained, and unadvised manner, were, notwithstanding this, (and |
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(and could you or I have got into the cabinet, or stood behind the curtain, we should have found it was so) weigh- ed, poized, and perpended ---- argued upon ---- canvassed through ---- entered into, and examined on all sides with so much coolness, that the GODDESS of COOL- NESS herself (I do not take upon me to prove her existence) could neither have wished it, or done it better. Of the number of these was my fa- ther's resolution of putting me into breeches ; which, though determined at once, -- in a kind of huff, and a defi- ance of all mankind, had, nevertheless, been pro'd and conn'd, and judicially talk- ed over betwixt him and my mother about a month before, in two several beds of justice, which my father had held for that purpose. I shall explain the VOL. VI. F nature |
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nature of these beds of justice in my next chapter ; and in the chapter follow- ing that, you shall step with me, Madam, behind the curtain, only to hear in what kind of manner my father and my mo- ther debated between themselves, this affair of the breeches, -- from which you may form an idea, how they debated all lesser matters. THE ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius is positive) were first seated in the country between the Vistula and the Oder, and who after- wards incorporated the Herculi, the Bu- gians, and some other Vandallick clans to 'em, -- had all of them a wise custom of debating every thing of importance 1 to |
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to their state, twice ; that is, -- once drunk, and once sober : ---- Drunk -- that their counsels might not want vi- gour ; ---- and sober -- that they might not want discretion. Now my father, being entirely a water- drinker, -- was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing, which the ancients did or said ; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless ex- periments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the pur- pose ; ---- and that was when any diffi- cult and momentous point was to be set- tled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its de- termination, ---- he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and F 2 the |
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the Saturday night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed with my mother : By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *. These my father, humourously enough, called his beds of justice ; ---- for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out, which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times. It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or |
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or conjugal ; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths and Vandals did it ---- or if he can, may it be always for his body's health ; and to do it, as my father did it, -- am I sure it would be always for his soul's. ---- My way is this : ------ In all nice and ticklish discussions, -- (of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book) -- where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back ---- I write one half full, -- and t'other fast- ing ; ---- or write it all full, -- and cor- rect it fasting; ---- or write it fasting, -- and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing : ---- So that with a less F 3 variation |
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variation from my father's plan, than my father's from the Gothick ---- I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice, --- and no way inferior to him in his second. ---- These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature, -- of which, -- be her's the honour. ---- All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactury of the arts and sciences. ------ Now, when I write full, -- I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live ; ---- that is, I write free from the cares, as well as the terrors of the world. ---- I count not the number of my scars, -- nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye corners to ante- date my stabs. ---- In a word, my pen takes |
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takes its course ; and I write on as much from the fullness of my heart, as my stomach. ---- But when, an' please your honours, I indite fasting, 'tis a different history. ---- I pay the world all possible atten- tion and respect, -- and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that understrap- ping virtue of discretion, as the best of you. ---- So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good humoured Shandean book, which will do all your hearts good ------ ---- And all your heads too, -- pro- vided you understand it. F 4 C H A P. |
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WE should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little to- wards my mother's, as he opened the debate ---- We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches. ---- We should so, -- said my mother. ---- We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully. ------ I think we do, Mr. Shandy, -- said my mother. ---- Not but the child looks extreme- ly well, said my father, in his vests and tunics. ------ ---- He |
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---- He does look very well in them, -- replied my mother. ------ ---- And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of 'em. ---- ---- It would so, -- said my mother : ---- But indeed he is growing a very tall lad, -- rejoin'd my father. ---- He is very tall for his age, in- deed, -- said my mother. ---- ---- I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the duce he takes after. ---- I cannot conceive, for my life, -- said my mother. ------ Humph ! |
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Humph ! ---- said my father. (The dialogue ceased for a moment.) ---- I am very short myself, -- conti- nued my father, gravely. You are very short, Mr. Shandy, -- said my mother. Humph ! quoth my father to himself, a second time : in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's, -- and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half. ---- When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he'll look like a beast in 'em. He |
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He will be very aukward in them at first, replied my mother. ------ ---- And 'twill be lucky, if that's the worst on't, added my father. It will be very lucky, answered my mother. I suppose, replied my father, -- mak- ing some pause first, -- he'll be exactly like other people's children. ------ Exactly, said my mother. ------ ---- Though I should be sorry for that, added my father : and so the de- bate stopped again. ---- They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again. -- They |
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They will last him, said my mother, the longest. But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father. ------ He cannot, said my mother. 'Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father. Nothing can be better, quoth my mother. ------ ---- Except dimity, -- replied my fa- ther : ---- 'Tis best of all, -- replied my mother. ---- One must not give him his death, however, -- interrupted my father. By no means, said my mother : ---- and so the dialogue stood still again. 7 I am |
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I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them. ---- ---- There is no occasion for any, said my mother. ------ I mean in his coat and waistcoat, -- cried my father. ---- I mean so too, -- replied my mother. ---- Though if he gets a gig or a top ---- Poor souls ! it is a crown and a scepter to them, -- they should have where to secure it. ------ Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy, replied my mother. ------ ---- But |
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---- But don't you think it right ? added my father, pressing the point home to her. Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy. ------ ---- There's for you ! cried my father, losing temper ---- Pleases me ! ---- You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of con- venience. ---- This was on the Sunday night ; ---- and further this chapter say- eth not. AFTER my father had debated the af- fair of the breeches with my mother, -- he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it ; |
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it ; and Albertus Rubenius used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother : For as Rubenius had wrote a quarto express, De re Vestiaria Veterum, -- it was Rubenius's business to have given my father some lights. -- On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard, -- as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject. Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative to my father ; -- gave him a full and sa- tisfactory account of The Toga, or loose gown. The Chlamys. The Ephod. The Tunica, or Jacket. The |